I'm feeling a little better today. I'm the secretary of a sunday big book study so of course I had to be at the meeting yesterday. Thats what I love about group service work, invarably I wont want to go because of my mood or whatever, and the responsibility keeps my connected.
I shared at the meeting yesterday about the depression I am going through. It was hard to do so because a lot of it is situational and my husband attends meetings here too. So I kept it real general, but of course the group read the underlying message. I feel bad about that. Its the 1st time I have ever shared about relationship stuff at a meeting. I keep that stuff for my sponsor. My sponsor was unavailable though, and I was crazy inside, so I did what I had to do for me.
Here in my town, we only have 4 meetings a week. And probably 10 or 15 regulars. I'm thinking I need to drive to some outside meetings. I need to find a local sponsor. I've been using my sponsor in CA since I moved to Nevada last october. I need more meeting right now!
I want to thank everyone for their love and support. It reminds me of going into a new group. If the ppl are working a program, they will welcome a new person with open arms. Alot of you did that for me yesterday. Thanks! I'll keep coming back.
It surely must've be emotionally hard to share at the meeting. Yet each time we do so, it is like a cleansing for us. We rid ourselves of the load very often "feeling" the weight lifted. And what a remarkable feeling it is! Continued success....one step....one day!
Sometimes I feel strange during & after a share. I can't quite get my head around it. I try to speak my truth but I still get fears running through me like I'm trying to people~please in some way & amend what I'm trying to say so that it 'can be understood'. I don't know what I'm trying to prove. When I'm on my own I make gradual progress & put all these new notions & experiences into context & understanding where I'm making my own little sense of it but then when I open my mouth it can fall apart. It's really wierd & I've yet to figure out what's disturbing me. It's definitely linked to my inner~fear & my idea of how I might be being percieved. Sometimes I think I really am mad & that in all my self~centredness I'm missing the point entirely. Crazy stuff but I keep trying because others seem to be able to master themselves in this simple program & I want that for me too. I'll keep trying. I know I am loved & that the only person judging me is myself. I'm sure after all the damage we've done to ourselves in drink emotionally & mentally, it's understandable that we'd be a little crackers by the time we get into A.A. Thanks so much for everbody's patience. Everyone seems to simply wait & will for us to get well. Thank God for you all. It's an honour to share Fellowship with you, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I'm so glad that today is better for you and that you went to a meeting last night. I love knowing that I can share what's on my mind at a meeting and get it out in the open. Without having that available I couldn't stay sober for another day. I am so fortunate to have AA and my AA friends in my life.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
