If you find yourself in the midst of any of the following, a dispute, argument, relationship breakdown, miscommunication, separation, divorce and so on then the very first questions you should ask is not "Why are you doing this to me" or "why are you treating me this way" but "How did I contribute to this problem?"..."What did i do do to help cause this?"...the next question is "How can i make myself part of the solution and not part of the problem?".

Most people can drone on and on about the faults and failing of their partner when marriages and relationships go wrong. They can describe down to the smallest detail each and every mistake that the other person has made and how all the problems within the relationship are his or her fault. More often than not neither spouse considers the other's wrongs might just be mistakes or errors in judgemenet...no, both are oh so sure, certain and adamant that the other was acting with deliberate intent and nastiness. However if either one of them is asked to recall mistakes that they have made and has contributed to the problems, it generally takes each quite a while to even recall one.

Finding an answer to the question "How have I contributed to this problem?" is extremely important because it provides a pathway to solutions. Solutions of course usually require that people to makes changes.

Everyone of us has it within them the power effect change in their own behaviors and to modify attitudes, but none of us has any direct power to change someone else's. We can influence someone else to change, we can motivate or inspire, but if they are to make changes, it will be only because they alone wanted to change. Complaining and criticising a partner is the least effective (if at all) way to effect change in another and can lead to a power struggle which can ultimately kill all caring and love. The most effective way to get change underway in a relationship is to change your self or your approach.

When each partner focuses their time and energy on what the other spouse is doing or has done wrong, they are not realistically addressing solutions but playing the blame game which is self serving, safe and familiar. The blame game does not lead to change or solutions.

If you're looking for whose fault it was that a marriage failed, you'll find there's always plenty of fault to go around. Fault finding is a waste of time.

If you are seeking to understand why a marriage failed for the purpose of learning from the experience and to prevent repeating mistakes, then you are investing time and energy wisely, just make sure you start at the right place. If a number of your relationships have failed then it is hard to ignore the very real fact that in theses relationships you were the common denominator...... So ask yourself "How did I contribute to these problem?"

The answers will show you how to avoid making the same mistakes again. The answers will tell you how to change yourself.

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