I recently came into contact with an acquaintance who has been in and out of the program... mostly out. There isn't anything unique about his story... he told me a bit about his life since last time I saw him and over the course of the meeting before and after, I overheard him telling different people different things, including a few implying he had long term sobriety when in fact he had no more than a few days, etc. Like I say, standard stuff.
But this guy reminds me (but for the Grace of God) of me, in a lot of ways - and how I could have been if I had tried to think my way sober. This guy is a smart guy. Very smart... very educated, a professional - whose career of course has been sunk by his disease at this point. But what a great talker.
He knows how to "work the system", and that's a great skill in life especially if you are part of the system. But it can be a real hindrance to the self-honesty needed to get sober and stay sober. He seemed to be working the room, more or less trying to look good and as if he was doing just fine when in reality, he was down and out - very much so - and really needing what we have to offer.
Anybody who has been around a while has seen somebody like this... sometimes they get it, sometimes they don't. But my friend (to the extent I can call him a friend) is so good at sounding sincere when he's not, that I'm afraid if ever IS sincere, nobody will even notice... LOL.
I doubt if he fooled anybody he talked to... I wonder if he's fooling himself?
But I have to use these observations and apply them to myself, to my own recovery. Do I try to look good when my ass is falling off? Yep, I've done that. Do I hide my insecurities behind my credentials (however minor my credentials might be)? Yep, I've done that.
I feel fortunate that I was not too rich, or too educated, or too poor, or too dumb or too complicated for AA. But I _was_ almost too smart. It was my own self-analysis, my brilliant thinking, that kept me drinking. And like all humans, I still think and I still analyze - I just don't have to get drunk over it anymore.... LOL.
A guy from my original home group used to share you can be too smart for recovery but you can't be too dumb. I consider myself smarter then the average bear and when I first got sober I worked my program like it was a course that I could pass. I have a whole shelf full of recovery books, Bradshaw, Peck, Hamilton, Miller etc. Then I learned or I'm trying to learn that recovery isn't about what I think, it's about what and how I feel. It's not the head it's the heart that shows us the way. That's not to say that recovery books aren't full of useful information, but you can't get an A in recovery it a pass or fail course. You pass when you die sober when it's your time. Bob.
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
The thought that comes to mind is...."I've never met a stupid alcoholic.."
Now.....if your'e talking about the slow category? I identify with that one. :)
For a long time in this program..I could talk a great talk...
As for walking it? Thats another story...
I can remember going into AA meetings half in the bag...and saying to myself..
"What a bunch of religious dead beats...
Took this kid.a long time...to get humble....had a big ego problem...and one of those "Know it all intellectuals" also.....
I remember the night I got a 15 year medallion...and saying to myself...
"Man..I've got it made....A good wife and kids....a home..a great business..bills are paid...lots of AA freinds...money in the bank...Dam!! " My little stage.....is perfect...and everythings going my way"
You know what happened?
Seven days later, my wife walked out into the fast lane, because she was bored...
I was left with 3 kids to take care of..plus other responsibilities...and my little world went for a big "Shit"
There have been a lot more "Hard" growing experiences since then...which i will not go in to at present...
But I will conclude by saying....that
"Being humble and teachable on a daily basis" is an important phrase..:)
And the day that I think I have all the answers...and have it made...in sobriety..
is the day, that this kid is in BIG trouble...
Have another great day, my freind.....one day at a time...with love..
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Yes, Barisax, it is truth; it is in the heart that we find the heart of all that really matters in this life. Being "in tune" with that HP and humble enough to admit when we are not. Thanks for the post.
I was at a meeting a few weeks ago and a guy shared. He spoke about the program and what it had done for him. He went on about God, spiritualism, doing whats right. He said you gotta do this, and act like this... and he was quite a speaker. He shared almost fifteen minutes, almost sounded like one of those motivational speakers. Everyone was listning very intent, glued to him...
At the end of the meeting he picked up a white chip. I was like, what the... ???? I decided being such a great talker was OK... but I still got my white chip from two years ago. Talk may be cheap... honesty is priceless.
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My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
The way you described that reminded me of a few 'smart' people who like to present themselves as having 'made it' in AA, and as able to give advice to others, when their lives are falling apart, and they are really in denial. But there is one particular man that is on my mind right now,,, and he is not in recovery yet. He believes in himself. He believes he is smart and capable, and that he can do it and make it on his own. He believes in Logic,,, and can run you around logically till he can win any argument. He believes in freedom, and tolerance,, and that any 'belief' is as good as any other. Well,, so,, he can' t make a commitment to anyone, because,, well, they are just not as good as he is,, and they 'don't understand him'. Confusing? yeah, but that's okay, he thinks. Do you actually have a real value system that you are committed to? like a church or synagogue? he thinks that is silly and just a crutch. He is single,, and looking... he likes party girls,, who can put on a facade of professionalism when necessary,,,,, or,,, next best is a 'good' girl that challenges him to test her limits,, that's fun.
what is the one demand for success in this program? vigorous honesty!!!
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
The follow-up to this is that I have to remember I can learn from anyone, even someone I believe is 100% full of shit. Just so I can recognize FOS when it starts creeping into my own vocabulary.
It's very tempting to pull the newbie(s) aside and say "don't listen to that guy", and I certainly had that done to me a few times in my early days. But moreso it was hear-say and gossip. In my first 6 months(?) I tried very hard to avoid making a judgement of _anybody_ in the room.
I remember hearing a guy speak who had many years sober. My instant opinion of him was he was "stupid, boring, and glum". He sponsored several people who admired him... and his basic line was "the program is in the book, I don't need meetings". I remembered thinking at the time (I was about a year sober) that if I had heard that guy talk at my first meeting, I would have left and never come back. But of course that's not true - because I heard many, many people speak at my first meeting - not just one.
Oddly enough, I later ended up being friends with that guy - at least when he came around. He worked his isolated program but just seemed friendless and unhappy. While he didn't have anything I wanted - he just seemed to need a friend. I found him to be a very decent guy, very sincere - but I often wished I could see a spark of genuine happiness in him. Maybe it's there - he's still sober last I heard. I don't know if he truly doesn't like being around people, or if he has just sold himself on the "it's all in the book" idea.
There are certainly people who have stayed sober on the AA program without going to meetings, and people who have stayed sober by other non-AA means... religion, other programs, self-will, intellect, etc. It's just not for me - I knew the day I came to my first meeting, that I was home. For someone like me, AA is a pretty good fit. Or as I told someone who said I couldn't be an alcoholic -- hey, maybe I'm not but this alcoholism treatment program of AA sure works well on my life. I think I'll stick with it!
