I would really like some insight. I did spend some time on this board a year ago, I dont know if any of you remember me.
Anyway, I would be in end stage alcoholism. Chronic and out of control. I desperately want to stop (as I have for years) but I am still struggling. I know now for sure its killing me. Its only a matter of time. And why am I still doing it? I wish I knew. In my befuddled mind I think maybe one of two reasons:
1) Maybe I just dont care anymore. Maybe I know its killing me and WILL kill me but I have become resigned to the fact that it will kill me. I cant imagine life with or without it anymore... so I have just given up. It has won.
Had any of you ever felt like that at the blackest days of your drinking?
2) Maybe I am still in denial. Thinking things arent really THAT bad. Even though I know they are.
Have any of you ever felt like that? that even if you go to meetings its probably not enough?
Have any of you ever known people like me? The ones who need and want to stop but just... cannot? Or will not?
With all my knowledge of AA (ten years in and out). All the people who have tried to help me. All the chances I got. All the help I got. None of it worked.
The demon still has me. I feel like such a failure. I have failed at everything. This disease has taken everything from me.
I have even failed at surrendering.
Fear of drinkiing. Fear of not drinking. Fear of life with drink. Fear of life without drink Fear that maybe I have left it too late anyway. The problems caused my drinking are too huge to solve now, so whats the point? Might aswell stay in oblivion.
Yes, I could associate with so much of what you described. I so wanted to stop drinking, but I was too frightened, so I carried on until I almost lost everything.
I know one wonderful man who goes to one of my regular meetings. He had been in and out of AA, hospitals and psychiatric wards for years. Then, he went back to AA again and for him the timing was right and he hasn't had a drink in over twenty-three years.
You could give AA another try and see how it works out for you. You have nothing to lose, but everything to gain. And, you did say that you need and want to stop drinking and that's all any of us could say when we first went in, or went back, to AA.
Please keep posting and let us know how things are going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Just knowing that there are other people out there who have battled as long as I have, and travelled as far down as I have and yet still recovered does offer some hope.
well, i sure remember being in that place................. no fun at all. i guess the pain of that helped me to surrender. the old timers in the program had plenty of advice on how to stay sober one day at a time.....i was not a happy camper. i was finally driven to do a step three.....and guess what? it worked. there is hope for us all, whatever you believe a higher power to be, it wants to help. apparently you gotta remember to ask!
I always heard that there's nothing more miserable than a belly full of booze and a head full of AA. I had to go experience that one myself after 4 years in AA.
I suspect most of us suffered from 'terminal uniqueness' during our actively drinking days. Why, I wasn't a drunk! I didn't drink every day, never got a DUI, and didn't live on skid row!
The end result of active alcoholism IS jails, institutions, and death. I've seen it far too many times over the past 20 years to believe differently.
The program does not fail us; we fail the program.
My question to you is, just how much effort did you put into your recovery while in AA?
It's NOT an easy program, but it is a simple one.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
Bill W was resigned to a alcoholics death before the miracle happened to him. He lived another 35 years and brought hope to addicted men and women the world over.
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
One thing that really strikes home is your statement: "I have even failed at surrendering."
I remember being at a meeting in Buffalo and there was a guy across from me sharing. He had this unbelievable peace about him as he shared about how he had surrendered to win. It pissed me off because I wanted what he had and I thought I was saying the right words about surrendering in my prayers. When it was my turn to share, I slammed my fist on the table and told him that I wanted what he had, but it just wasn't working for me. I had been praying and surrendering every day, but nothing seemed to change.
The next morning I "gave up". Yes, I said the same prayer, but I don't think it had anything to do with the words that came out. I surrendered, I gave up, and I turned my will and life over to my higher power that morning. I can't explain it, but it happened.
Failure is an event, not a person.
Go back to AA, and keep going back until it works.
Hello niall... Im one of those.... I was a hopeless drunk. Yes I know many. Most at one point had given up on life, thought it was useless.. I did too. Your no where near alone. There is hope no matter how far down youve gone. I know a man that was actually twenty minutes from death. Ruptured colin I think it was. He's sober now quite a few years. There Is happiness without alcohol. There is help. There's help from folks just like yourself. Get into treatment, a meeting, a program. If it doesnt work right off, try again... and again. It HAS worked for others like you, and it IS NOW. Ive been there. Best wishes. glad your here.
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My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
niall,, i remember you too. and,, i've heard phil share about his bout with being suicidal. I have also been suicidal. And he is right about the miracle. It's a miracle that I'm here too. The whole thing about AA is that we, who have experienced a real miracle,,, are here to share our experience of that miracle with you,,, the strength that that gives us to overcome whatver we need to overcome to turn our lives around and Live,,, and Hope,,, in your despair. It is NOT hopeless!
It looks like you have reached out to us,, to throw you that lifeline. The lifeline is AA. Call,, get into rehab, where you will get more support and professional help,, the first step,,, remember,,, is that we admit that we are powerless over alcohol,,, the second step is to come to belive that a Higher Power can and will bring you to sanity. Sanity means health.
I'm glad you reached out. The program works if you work it,, so work it cuz you are worth it.
keep coming!
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
