Many of us have deeply ingrained patterns for sabotaging relationships. Some of us may instinctively terminate a relationship once it moves to a certain level of closeness and intimacy.
When we start to feel close to someone, we may zero in on one of the person's character defects, and then make it so big it's all we can see. We may withdraw, or push the person away to create distance. We may start criticizing the other person, a behavior sure to create distance.
We may start trying to control the person, a behavior that prevents intimacy.
We may tell ourselves we don't want or need another person, or smother the person with our needs.
Sometimes, we defeat ourselves by trying to be close to people who aren't available for intimacy - people with active addictions, or people who don't choose to be close to us. Sometimes, we choose people with particular faults so that when it comes time to be close, we have an escape hatch.
We're afraid, and we fear losing ourselves. We're afraid that closeness means we won't be able to own our power to take care of ourselves.
In recovery, we're learning that it's okay to let ourselves be close to people. We're choosing to relate to safe, healthy people, so closeness is a possibility. Closeness doesn't mean we have to lose ourselves, or our life. As one man said, "We're learning that we can own our power with people, even when we're close, even when the other person has something we need."
Today, I will be available for closeness and intimacy with people, when that's appropriate. Whenever possible, I will let myself be who I am, let others be who they are, and enjoy the bond and good feelings between us.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
How providential to see this right now! I sure see me in here, and also a person that I'm becoming good friends with,, but we keep sabotaging things whenever we reach the next level of closeness! I copied it to share.
Thank you very much,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
You reminded me of this post Carol...Thought I would add it..:) ---------------
The more we heal our childhood emotional wounds and change the dysfunctional intellectual programming the clearer we can see reality. The more we learn to have boundaries, to ask for what we need, to be direct and honest in our communication, the healthier we become in our relationships. Healthy enough to get out of them quickly if we see too many warning signs.
Romantic relationships can be a great adventure if our perspective and expectations of them are realistic and healthy.
Fear of intimacy keeps people in a come here - go away dance.
"It is very boring and incredibly painful to keep repeating dysfunctional relationship patterns. The way to stop repeating those patterns is to start healing the wounds that we suffered in childhood."
If we are reacting to old wounds and old tapes then we are not being emotionally honest and are incapable of healthy emotional intimacy.
When two people are connecting in a healthy way on all levels - physical, emotional, mental, and Spiritual - the union can become a sacred experience.
-- Edited by Phil at 10:18, 2007-05-12
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Thanks for this beautiful post Q. As always, I gain so much from what you have to give. You & other old~timers here are a real Godsend for me & I'm grateful that your stalwart loyalty is capable of helping me to stay sober. Thanks for sticking around. I post the 24 hours posts because they teach me & the ritual helps to ground me one day at a time. They don't seem to be popular but I tell myself I'm sure they're helpful to those who read them. I'm not looking for an ego boost (I hope!) Though saying that it's lovely when someone takes a peek & decides they have something to offer in response. Helps me to feel a part of what's going on here & I haven't always the time or the wisdom to offer a lot to everyone but this site means so much to me as it's here when I wake or come home & people have been sharing as they go & giving me the opportunity to tune in when I'm safe at home too. Thanks to everyone who contributes to this community. Thanks so much for sharing fellowship with me, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
