My story is this in a nutshell: I was married at a fairly young age - instant family. I got sober about halfway through that marriage, and I have now been single (and sober) longer than I was married but in all that time, I never was in a serious relationship. Just some very short-term wannabes that didn't amount to anything.
So far its all good. This relationship is about 3 months old, and I couldn't really ask for better - of course if I asked, I'd sell myself short anyway. God usually has better ideas of what I need than I do... and when I need it.
I'm wondering if anybody has a similar experience of entering into a fresh relationship in middle age, after a long period of singleness. Both of us are very self-sufficient. I suggested that she go to Alanon and she has been going, and enjoys it very much. She has been to open AA meetings with me as well, and also enjoyed them, but I felt we should not go to the same meetings on a regular basis - occasionally is fine. She is not an alcoholic herself but has past family experience with alcoholics, so she knows how it is.
On day at a time seems to be working quite well. We have done a variety of things together, and also done nothing together - which is important because I want to be able to enjoy each others' company without any obligatory activity. If I have any concern at all, it's the part of my brain that is screaming "This is too EASY!!" My new SO is nothing at all like my ex-wife... and that's all good, but this feeling of it's too easy *is* reminiscent of my first relationship mumble-something years ago. These relationships are few and far between, and the long drought places the notion in my head that it's hard - but then once it happens... it's too easy.
I'm probably guilty of being overly cautious... but... in spite of that, things have progressed pretty quickly. But unlike the first time around, there is no pressure to move in together... financial, family, or otherwise. This makes the relationship very much one of choice and not need or dependence, and I really do like it that way. We're spending what seems to be a "right" amount of time together.
So far we haven't even had any disagreements, other than the fact that she likes to openly disagree with my self-deprecating, Rodney Dangerfield humor. I don't know if it's time, maturity, having a program, sobriety, or just the person, but I don't feel that grip of the boa constrictor like I did the first time around... nor do I feel the anxiety of having to "make it work" no matter what.
This is all uncharted territory. I've been very comfortable in my singular existence, and began to dread the thought of a relationship. But she has made it easy; and in terms of plans and projects, rather than being a diversion from them, she has actually enhanced and accellerated some of them. There's stuff I've been trying to get done for years, that is now getting done. Just amazing.
Barisax... My opinion... if you are truly happy then what the hell... stay happy. She seems to be doing good for you!! If she makes you want to be a better person then that's great... stick with it! I thought it was great how you said it was a choice to be in this relationship... don't worry just because you think it's too good! BE HAPPY! You deserve to be happy!
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"Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't"
Barisax, For what an opinion may be worth, I ditto with the above responses. Isn't it REALLY nice to be happy, to share your life's happiness/sadness and experiences with a companion you feel comfortable with? No pressure...Just the flow as it seems was meant to be. Do you and she both not deserve this?...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
I was taught, in a dynamics course , that there are 5 stages in a relatioship: 1. the honeymoon stage where everything seems very nice and people are at their best, 2. the getting-to-know-you stage where people are getting to know each other more , honestly, 3. conflicts inevitably come up, and it is normal; disagreements are bound to happen, and something is wrong if there are never any about what one wants to do, or thinks, or doesn't want, 4 the conflict resolution stage,, where the people try to iron out the conflict, whether it be where to go tonight, some annoying habit, how to deal with a problem that comes from outside. this is the crucial stage, and there are healthy and unhealthy ways to try to deal with problems. Not every couple, or small group makes it to, 5. which is the stage of having a healthy and functional ongoing relationship which is able to constructively deal with problems and conflicts that come from inside the group or outside.
It sounds like you are still in stage 2.
It is true that when we are used to having difficult relationships all our lives that a healthy relationship seems really weird! When we have been active alcoholics for a long time, sobriety seems really weird. Going sane can be confusing, because it feels so weird after being crazy for so long.
I'm really happy for you,
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
From what I read, sounds like a great relationship. No UHaul's in the driveway and taking things one day at the time.......enjoy it.........just don't forget to
Breathe!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I agree, if it feels good, it feels good. I could beat myself to death trying to analyze feelings, but have found that intellectualizing and feelings are seperate entities. Something my husband told me, after several years of therapy for ptsd--one of the topics they had discussed was "love". What it all boiled down to, is there were no words or explanations. Feelings are of the heart, not the mind. They just are. I'd hate for someone to ask me to define my feelings for others, because I wouldnt be able to. I figure, if I have keep questioning it, then I havent experienced it, and who has all the right words for experiences? It's like trying to describe a color to a person. All yu can do is say "oh, blue is like breathing". We're limited on how to explain emotions like love, and I'm really ok with that. I'm more to enjoying it then trying to figure it out. One of those perks of "living in the now" when I can do that. Just relish in it. hug, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Phil: I know what you mean. Over the years I have had some f2f conversations with people I could relate to. In particular, my attraction to "psychos" LOL. But with that quirk, I have never actually gotten far - fortunately. One of my friends has been in recurring psycho relationships, sometimes more than one at a time. At one point he admonished me to "lose weight, and you can be like me!" LOL... I think that might be the first time I was ever grateful I was fat!!!
Destiny: Yes, she is good for me. I am very, very conscious of and aware of anything that might make me think I am changing "for her", or that she is trying to change me... what is different about this relationship is that I am always working on myself, and we actually had that conversation last night. I have spent many years working on myself, to become a better person. Now that I have become (somewhat) a better person, and attracted a good person to be part of my life... it doesn't mean I should stop working!! LOL. I intend to keep doing what I've been doing, going to meetings - working my AA *and* Alanon programs.
Bryan: Don't know how long it has been for you, but for me it was a very long time, and I had to gradually let go of the idea of a quick fix. I wanted a replacement so bad, and I know that would have been a disaster.
TLH: Yes, I thought I was terminally jaded too. I finally stopped pretending to be somebody I wasn't, and pretty much wrote off the notion that any woman would ever want to be with me. Interestingly I've had many female friends over the years, but always in a "safe" sort of way - there was never a "danger" of getting involved for one reason or another, so I could be myself with them. Any "available" women for the most part gave me a wide berth. It was pretty easy to take that message to heart, and become jaded by it. I don't want to say never give up... because in a way, I *did* give up.
Tim: My new GF and I both have extended and "complicated" families, and a great deal of common knowledge and understanding. We see how people close to us sometimes hurt each other and make themselves unhappy. I do think we deserve to be happy. We've witnessed the alternative many times.
Amanda: Yep, 3 months is not much!! I have to be reminded to keep putting one foot in front of the other, not make assumptions or start with the expectations. We are actually going to be apart this weekend, for the first time since we met - various activities happening so we won't do our usual stuff, and it will be interesting to see how that plays. If we miss each other! We are definitely in stage 2. We have even talked about the dreaded stage 3... which is a real test of willingness. In my marriage, I think both of us shunned stage 3 by simply avoiding conflict -- our relationship became riddled with "don't go there" zones surrounded by orange barrels... LOL. Eventually they crowded out everything else.
Doll: No U-hauls!!! Breathing is good as long as I have my Nasonex... LOL...
Wren: We haven't really brought up the L-word. Again, my past experience was that *she* said it first, and eventually I started saying it too. I have experienced other kinds of love in my single years - love for my mother, my brother, my daughter, my granddaughter - the love of life, love of friendships, and though it all God's love. I use the G-word because it's my concept, and three letters is about all I can handle....
Thanks everybody. I'll be going to a lot of meetings this weekend.
