HELP....BEFORE I JUMP IN THERE AGAIN(((((((YO Guys))))))) I posted this on the al-anon board and got some wonderful replies.....i am asking If any of you can reply to this also... I love the wisdom I recieve from you as the recovering Alcoholic....
(((Guys))))))
You all know I opened a face to face group last week..I had six members...tonight I had five.. As the group is only new, I am the ONLY member...lol I asked someone would they like to chair tonight, she agreed, and I sat back thinking,"Ally Girl" see what you have achieved in your recovery"....I felt very proud of myself...I know there is no bosses in Al-anon, but I'm allowed to be happy I started this group, right???
Anyway, there was a female there tonight, very emotionally distressed...And the things I was saying to her, the wisdom, and I noticed the other members were agreeing with me....I thougth again to myself...You got this right girl..This is where you are supossed to be, and what you are supossed to be doing...Hmm is this my HP'd doing?????
Now I got a dilema,,,,,you all know my situation with my male friend ...Well!!! NOW I have a feeling within me, I think its called compassion. For him, his illness, and although he is sober, I know he is still suffering, day to day, to remain sober...
He once said to me, I had put him under pressure, by sending texts to him, and I was like Oh my god, this guy is nuts..people communicate, thats all, no pressure. But maybe it was to him...Maybe he felt I had expectations of him, that he could not meet. I am seeing all this and thinking, OMG Ally. you are an emotional nightmare..What have you done to this poor guy...
So the same situation with someone who is NOT an alcoholic might have been normal. But for him, it was too much....The fact he told me he cannot commit to a relationship, He cant express feelings the way I can, that has tought me a lesson..
This whole thing has been MY WILL, not gods, he tried to tell me all about that side and I didnt want to hear. I know, I thought I was being, caring, loving, gentle towards him, but he wasnt ready for that. And It was all about Me.Me.Me.
I have heard from so many in al-anon and AA, about how this guy wanted to have his cake and eat it. He does not deserve me. He is all self minded. He wont commit to me, because I'm LETTING him get HIS way, because I want him so much.....WOW, this is heavy for me...
I am kind of confused about what I thought LOVE was, since I joined the fellowship...
My interpretation of love is:: towards him ::: a feeling so strong within myself, like a thousand butterflies all moving at the same time, to share things with him, good and bad. To hold him and comfort him if he's in pain. To do things together that are FUN, accept him for who he is and NOT what he is. just be normal with eachother also, to live my life and let him live his.To work on eachothers individual programme. And grow together.
I also know I do NOT want to live in his pocket, be obsessed with his every move, throw in his face me, me , me..Blame him for my defects. admit to him I have been wrong, when I am..I am enjoying the freedom of meeting my own friends who identify with me ..As in the way his AA friends can identify with him. I am becoming an individual again, and It feels right...Is it wrong to want to have both in my life.
In the past I have had the obsession, he was placed on pedesal, never to be removed. But I have also saw a new side to him, a loving, caring, affectionate, all the things I never thought he was capable of. As well as his defects, and he has many just like me.
WHY all of a sudden am I feeling like this. I have left him in peace for the last week.. (ok, thats great for me)..lol I think I have focussed all on Why he hurt me, How he hurt me. I am not facing responsibility for the Why, and How I have hurt him...
Can anyone tell me whats going on with me, because I sure as hell dont know.
Also I want to tell him all this...What would you do???..
Your statement, "I am becoming an individual again, and It feels right..." tells me that is exactly where you need to be for now.
Communication/dialogue is ok between people, but, especially in early recovery, until you have truly sorted out yourself, it should be at a healthy distance, or, you could go back to "Why he hurt me, How he hurt me" and "Why, and How I have hurt him". You both did. The cycle can continue only until someone breaks it by taking time out to heal, grow and change.
One of my wife's and my favorite theme songs has the lines, "I bruise you, you bruise me, we both bruise too easily..." (Simon and Garfunkel). It has taken us 35 years of bruises, and we are still slowly learning how to back up the bus and talk openly about our feelings to each other (instead of just backing up the bus to run over each other again). We had to have a few, sometimes lengthy, 'time-outs' to learn more about ourselves, before we were able to talk to each other without strapping on our armor.
We have had a lot of (sometimes very painful)experience how the me, me, me thing is strong in both the alkie and the co-dependant.
Better quit rambling now before my two cents turns into two dollars! Good Luck with whatever you decide!!!
-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 08:16, 2007-05-06
al anons who really take the time to learn to practice their program and love themselves are truly awe inspiring. u sound like u are well on your way and if you want to really help this person you're in love with ,helping yourself first is gonna make all the difference. god bless and be with u
). We had to have a few, sometimes lengthy, 'time-outs' to learn more about ourselves, before we were able to talk to each other without strapping on our armor.
turns into two dollars!