or so I thought, but I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days and I realize that it didn't hide anything from anyone except me. People around me would have to have had the eyesight of pro-wrestling referees not to see that my self confidence was diminishing, I was awkward and uncomfortable in social situations when I was sober, I seemed fragile and like I didn't have a grip on things...I appeared beat up and scared. I know they saw it because in retrospect I see that they treated me differently. My superiors at work didn't have faith in my abilities, my friends and loved ones talked to me like I was a crazy person who they didn't want to upset, people wouldn't look me in the eye because I couldn't look them in the eye...the only one who was fooled by my big bar stool plans and my booze filled bravado was me. I thought I was fine because I could go to any social gathering and after chugging a few doubles I could have everyone in hysterics. And when I was drunk I could walk up to the most beautiful girl in the room and charm the knickers off of her if I chose to. I swear to god that this is true, when I would look in the mirror at the beginning of the night and didn't like what I saw I used to think "I have to down a few more so I get better looking" isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever heard?
Anyway the point is that I was a wreck and everyone saw it but me.
Day 4 and my brain hurts from thinking too much...and from a lack of vodka
PS. The "hysterics" usually ended with me becoming extremely offensive and obnoxious and getting tossed out on my ass. As for being smooth with the ladies, I dont know why I believed that hiccuping vomit breath in someones face was some sort of aphrodisiac but I'm pretty sure it wasn't and I was having delusions of grandeur and un-repugnantness.
I am VERY familiar with "liquid courage", Tip old pal.
Funny thing was, I still think that it may have worked fine except that my only problem with the commonly termed "social lubricant", was that after the second drink, the slight buzz and relaxed feeling lasted for only about 27 1/2 seconds, and then I had to have more (and more.....and more....), to keep ahead of the old fears and insecurities.
It didn't take long at all to go from "uncomfortable and unsure" to "relaxed, confident, and charming", and even less time to get to "motor-mouthed, obnoxious and overbearing".
Worst thing about all of this???.........seems that a person's reputation tends to be associated with that third stage...........
Good reason to skip the stuff altogether, eh????.....................
-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 07:04, 2007-05-05
It could be part of the reason Ive been married and divorced seven times...not including the engagements...and living with the feminine gender...plus breaking out in spots......such as Vancouver.....Tampa....and more........and asking oneself....how the hell they got there....
And thats the good part...
Good Morning gentlemen....
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
McStagger, You may be right about people treating/viewing you differently. It has alot to do with trust. It may be that those around you are a bit skeptical that you are trying very hard to take a better path. To them they maybe anticipating another revertion. It is hard to believe that someone is serious about sobering up when one, as you have admitted, been obnoxious, mouthy ect for any length of time or when there have been attempts before and "slips" followed. Diverting concentration from reactions to what is the matter at hand. At work centering on the job that one is responsible for doing will help. Ex. an accountant would be perusing figures and balancing books. Sobering up isn't about others. It is about YOU. One must center in the beginning on oneself..... It may be also that you are facing some that when you were sopped in the alcohol courage there were comments and/or actions said and done that may have been offensive to some of these people. You may not even recall these things. Maybe you do..... You and only you can answer that one. Facing these things and making amends, if possible, does help. When one makes mistakes of grand magnitude, they are hard to admit to oneself at times. We all are equal in this! We want to run and hide and pretend that our words or actions hadn't hurt another for it is loving qualities in others that we wish to attract to ourselves. In this we must first examine ourselves. Ask ourselves what was beneficial to do those things. Did it make us a better person or the next guy/gal? There are right ways and there are wrong ways to express feelings. These things you are experiencing are a part of the process in recovery and in order to "heal" have to be coped/dealt with. Your one post about your wife ended with you "firing back" at everyone who had reach out to you. There were some pretty angry overtones coming through..... Venting anger can be beneficial if done in the right way. (Phil has posted many times on this issue.) As much as I WANTED my AH to choose sobriety, I now know that becoming angry served no purpose. There were other courses of actions that could've been taken that would've perhaps gotten the same point across. Thus, what was stated in my relply. McStagger whether or not one drinks or has a problem with alcohol each human experiences all these feelings at one time or another in their lifetime. Habits whether good or bad are not born instantly. They develope overtime and become a part of us just like our body parts. Trying to correct a negative unhealthy habit and replacing it with a positive healthier one takes work. Ususally at the onset we say "okay I need to do this...." and things will be better. We have a "miracle" attitude "thinking" that just by saying it, it will be so. That is giving ourselves a sort of "window" we can escape through so we don't have to do the work. In reality, it is an excuse, to make ourselves feel justified should we slip. However..... by constantly telling ourselves "I CAN DO THIS." we find we have indeed conquered those things and we have better health, our relationships are more meaningful, in general our lives are better. We here ALL have went through these things. Some of what we reply to you may seem harsh to you. We thought so too. We jumped out those windows of excuses only to find the situation(s) the same. We became "bruised and battered" to the point we no longer recognized the face staring at us in the mirror. We didn't want to admit our shortcomings or our behaviors were negative. And we didn't want others to tell us ANYTHING....whether it was their own experience and what they had learned or how to go about to correct or achieve better attributes for ourselves. It is with sincerest congrats that you post and have achieved the 4 or 5 days of sobriety. It is good you share those feelings. Keep doing it and heeding what is shared with you...... just do it a day at a time. It is sort of like watching the sunrise. It comes slowly and awakens the beauty of our surroundings. That is what one finds when they look back after they've taken the measures towards sobriety. They have "awakened"! Supporting you and wishing you the best in sobriety.
Yup, I could really identify with a lot of that. I felt useless and awkward in a social settings without a drink inside me. I thought that drinking helped me to gain more confidence. Without that crutch, I was full of fear and self-doubt.
The great thing, now, is that I feel fine just being me and don't need anything to boost my confidence. That is just one of the gifts that AA has given to me. It's available to you, too.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
