I screwed up... 8 months down the drain... I knew what I needed to be doing, I talked about how I'm going to stay sober, and get to meetings, etc... and I did try to get to a meeting last night, didn't make it because I had to pick up some stuff way across town and didn't realize how long that would take... and I started heading home... and again my roommate was out of town. I should've gone to one of our friend's houses because I had those thoughts when he was out of town the other night. But... I went into the next town over... and found a bar, and thought well, he can drink NA beer on occasion just for the taste... I can have one vodka and sprite, just for the taste... HA right... I had one and I left. but then I went to another bar in town and had one more. Then I bought a 6-pack and brought it home. After 3 drinks I was already drunk... but I had half of one more, of course, I have to push it just over the edge. I had been thinking, one drink, no one would have to know. Problem is, I knew. And once I had that one, actually once I had a couple of sips of that one, I knew I'd screwed up... and got that thinking of well, I'll just keep on, I've already screwed up. And I still had the idea of hiding it from my roommate... because I know the consequences. There's a chance that he'll give me a second chance... but... the rule was this is a clean and sober house... and... also that I call someone before I drink. And I didn't. I knew the consequences though, if I get kicked out it's my own fault.
some folks I know,, cannot be assertive and do what they need to do, so they put themselves in a position where someone will do it for them. Are you trying to get kicked out because you can't make yourself leave? It looks like your coping skills are falling short. It's not enough to just not drink. That is called being 'dry', but recovery and real sobriety goes beyond just being dry to being able to make wise choices for our lives. You really need to do a strong Step 11, and take a real Step toward your positive future. What do you want? and what do you have to do to accomplish it?
love in recovery,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Well, I dont believe in kicking someone when they're down. What you need right now is positive reinforcement. You slipped up. All of us have at some degree or another. You just keep coming back here, acknowledge what you need to do and keep on truckin' Lisa. Love chris 360-796-9908
__________________
"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Lisa, just checkin' on ya.....havent' seen any more replies. You OK?
Don't worry about sub-conscience or assertiveness. You drank, in my opinion, for several reasons. 1 being you're having a rough time and you leaned on the "crutch" you're used to. And 2, gurlllll, you're an alcoholic, that's what we do...It's been tough to change a lifestyle. I drank when I was happy to celebrate, I drank when I was sad to forget..It's what I did...and could possibly do again. Theres no guarantee a tomorrow for any of us...I think you've done plenty for yourself...it takes courage to up and move away from your family and friends...I hope you're like me and eventually find your relapse to be a blessing. It's there, hun, just stay strong. NOTHING is 'down the drain' - you haven't LOST anything. What you have already learned can not be taken away. You just have to pick up where you left off.....
(((Hugss))))
Please let us hear from you.
-- Edited by Doll at 15:29, 2007-04-24
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
No, I wasn't trying to get myself kicked out... honestly... I just didn't really think about the consequences. I did tell my roommate today, called him, and he beat me up a bit over it, but said he's not kicking me out... he said he thinks I'm gonna wind up going back to my ex, and keep on drinking... and die. I'm not. That's not what I want. I went into town today and got my divorce papers notarized, I'd been procrastinating, and I'm not sure why, it wasn't that I wanted to go back, I'd be worse off if I went back to him.
I met up with a woman I'd met here, my roommate in a way "picked" her for me... but not really. got her number for me when I wasn't getting to meetings, told me to call her. Someone that we know knows her and suggested her. So... I met her at a meeting Saturday, and I called her today, and met up with her for lunch, and asked her to be my sponsor. She said I need 2 sponsors though, so that if I can't reach her, I can reach the other one. And she goes down south during the winter, and I need someone here then. So... still need to find that second sponsor. But, at least I have a sponsor now and am starting the steps again, back to step 1.
She was telling me obviously I still had doubts, obviously something triggered it and made me think I could manage things on my own... and to write out my step 1. I told her, I do want to stay sober, I can't say - none of us can say - that I'll never drink again, but I'm not drinking today, and I'll take it one day at a time. Things were going good... and over the past month... I haven't really been working the program, not getting to meetings, and not getting a sponsor, not really talking to other alcoholics that much except online. And I knew, everyone said, when you stop going to meetings, it's only a matter of time before you drink. I knew that. I didn't listen.
My roommate, and one of our friends, told me today that my ex and I are getting divorced for a reason, I don't need to be talking to him. And they're right. He called last night, when I was about to pour out the rest of the beer, and told me that I'd already screwed up, and he was drinking too, let's just stay on the phone and drink together, and I had another half a beer and got sick. When I told my new sponsor about that, she said she'd already told me last saturday that he's bad news, and she didn't even know much of anything about him. Everyone's right. My roommate *was* saying before that it's good that my ex and I are getting along and he was glad we could stay friends and all that... but... lately... when I talk to my ex, I'm depressed afterward... and my roommate pointed that out today, told me I need to stop talking to him. My ex called while I was in Lincoln today, my phone only has service in few areas in lincoln, so it told me I had a voicemail from him when I got back in a service area. I didn't call him back.
I realized... that... although no one can really tell me what to do... it seems it gets worse when I don't listen to others' suggestions, people who are seeing what I'm doing, seeing how things are affecting me, and I haven't seemed to see it myself. Time to start listening to the people that are close to me... not letting others make decisions for me, but at least listening to them, and weighing out what all is going on. My roommate's been pushing me for the past month to get to meetings, and I haven't done it. Used my back as an excuse. Saturday I had decided I'd go anyway, that I can handle the pain if I have to, and that I need meetings... but... I think I had stayed away for too long, I'd already screwed myself over by not working the program for the past month. And I didn't reach out when my thinking really got crappy over the weekend, I was on a dry drunk... and although I went to meetings Saturday and Sunday, I didn't really reach out, I didn't use my tools.
Haven't gotten to a meeting yet, I missed the noon meetings in Lincoln and there weren't any after that until 5:00 tonight. The one my sponsor is going to tonight is just inside Lincoln coming from here, and I told her I may drive back into town for it, or, the next town over from here has one tonight too. she said either way, get to a meeting. And I'm going to.
Hi Lisa, I only have a couple of minutes (stopping in between jobs), so I can't give an indepth reply to your posts. I really want to make sure you saw another voice of support on here, 'though. I don't have much experience and I'm a youngen at sobriety (almost three months). The others here have given you some great responses. I'm just here to send you a virtual hug and express a hope of still seeing you here and that you check in. Good job on being honest with yourself and being able to share your mistake with your support group. Today's a new day; this hour's a new hour; this minutes a new minute . . . Best wishes, Laura
Got to a meeting tonight, my first time at that meeting, it was good... got more women's numbers... gonna look up a meeting to go to tomorrow...
My roommate's still out of town tonight... he was supposed to be back today, but... it was raining and they couldn't load the stuff they were picking up, so he'll be home tomorrow... I had thought about staying at a friend's tonight, but she was getting in bed by the time I got out of the meeting and it's at least a 45 minute drive to get to her house. But... I'll be ok. Came home after the meeting, took care of the animals, fixin to start writing my first step.
My roommate's been beating up on me all day more or less... he'd told everyone they didn't have to worry about me drinking, that I worked a good program and all that... hell, you can't say that about anyone in the program, you never know... he said something today about how he guesses he can't keep anyone sober, that he thought he could keep me sober, and he thought that about someone else... but... you can't keep anyone else sober, your sobriety is your own responsibility, the only person you can keep sober is yourself.
I told him tonight, that I'm going to do whatever it takes... I know how bad it got last august... and I thought that was my bottom, I guess it wasn't if I drank again... but... I'm not letting it get that bad or worse, I'll do whatever it takes to stay sober.
Glad you made it back. I have to remember one thing. I cannot ever have one drink. One drink and we automaticly need more. It's called the phenomenon of craving. If we keep alcohol out of our system for a while, the craving leaves us. We may mentally obsess about it, but we wont physically crave it. We put a little in our system... now the physical craving starts. Its a fact, proven. After ten whole years, I thought I could "just have one".. It led to an eight year spree. Dont feel like youve lost anything... in fact, youve just reinforced that your truly an alcoholic. Again, glad your back.
__________________
My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
Lisa, I cannot say anymore than the previous posts. So I'll just say......hang in there. Sometimes it is baby steps.....at others it takes bigger ones......Even though you slipped you got right back on the path and began the journey from the point of the "slip" Mountains aren't scaled in a day's time. Neither are conquering our imperfections. WE ALL SLIP. Don't know if you've heard the song "Stand" by Rascal Flatts. The chourus is worth listening too. When one has enough, one will end up on his/her knees........he/she will more or less look up to the heavens......and get up wipe off the dust and stand. You're doing it just by coming here and admitting it. It takes alot of courage just to admit our faults, yet by doing so we are better able to correct them. Keep going to meetings, retain that courage.......and keep going the direction you are. There may be some "stones" to cross over on the path here and there but it will get smoother. And when that summit is met it is then one can "stand" and see all the beauty of this life. In my thoughts and prayers. Wanda
ditto to what 'learning' said. I don't want to take your situation lightly. I think it is a serious situation, and so i talked seriously. I'm glad you got to a meeting,, and glad u got a sponsor,, and glad you are starting on the Steps. Those are some positive Steps in the right direction, so, now,, put one foot in front of the other 'doing your best and God will do the rest'. Yep,, you really have to do your part.
love in recovery,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
..It's been tough to change a lifestyle. I drank when I was happy to celebrate, I drank when I was sad to forget..It's what I did...and could possibly do again. Theres no guarantee a tomorrow for any of us...I think you've done plenty for yourself...it takes courage to up and move away from your family and friends...I hope you're like me and eventually find your relapse to be a blessing. It's there, hun, just stay strong. NOTHING is 'down the drain' - you haven't LOST anything. What you have already learned can not be taken away. You just have to pick up where you left off.....