There's too much crap going on right now... but I'm getting to meetings again even though the drive into town kills my back, it was getting better, now it's all screwed up again... but I need meetings right now.
I guess everyone was right... not about moving up here to Nebraska... I still think that was a good move, I've made some friends here, I'm going to school in the fall... and I love it out here in the country... but... the thing with my "boyfriend"... yeah, y'all were right. Actually, I have no idea what's going on with us... apparently there's nothing there. I honestly believe there was something... but I pissed him off a couple of days ago, pretty bad... and last night he more or less chewed me out over a lot of things, and in that he told me that he's not in love with me, that he's more or less been using me... among other things. And I can't help wondering if he's "getting back" at me... He's told me plenty about things he's done to people who pissed him off or hurt him, I could see him just trying to get back at me. And I can't decide which is worse, that or him stringing me along for 3 months.
He said so many things though... I mean, just a couple of weeks ago he asked me to never leave him... the other day he talked like he was worried I'm going to leave, he was talking about if we sell the farm moving closer to Omaha since that's where I'm going to school... why would he make that kind of decision based on my needs if there's nothing between us?
I dunno, he's been screwing with my head for awhile... I'd ask him what this is between us, where I stand, and he'd blow it off and not give me a straight answer.
When I told him how I felt yesterday... that I was upset and hurt, I told him I need a bit of time to sort out my thoughts, and he tried to throw it all on me, that it's my fault I'm hurt, justifying what he did.
I don't know where this is going... I mean, there's no talk of me moving out...
And you know the insane part of it? Even after that... I still love him. Am I insane??
I don't think anyone of us wanted to be 'right' - we care and therefore wanted you to be aware if it did happen. As with most things here, it came from ES&H.
Here's the good news; you like it there, you've made friends and you're starting school soon, so take what you know to be good and make it part of your life. As for him - "when someone shows you who they are, believe them!" - Maya Angelou - and it sounds to me as if he qualifies as some being sicker than others. Not your burden to carry, hun.
God has a way of putting us where He wants us, take what you know to be true, listen to your gut and your heart and take action.
As for the insanity, well you know the definition of that one, right?
Take what you need and leave the rest, literally.
((((Hugs))))), Love and prayers.
"feelings change when we get our mind and our mouth going in the right direction" ~ Joel Osteen
-- Edited by Doll at 20:53, 2007-04-22
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I completely agree with Doll that none of us wanted to be 'right'. But, you are a much cared about person and nobody wanted to see you getting hurt or upset
You are making a new life for yourself and you have new friends and school to look forward to. You have a lot of good things going on in your life right now. Sometimes the things that aren't going right dominate and we forget to look for the good things. But, they are still there.
Whatever you do, just make sure that you take good care of yourself. Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you? We are all here for you.
Take care,
(((Hugs)))
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I know y'all weren't wanting to be "right". I didn't mean it like that. But so many people in my life told me how this wasn't going to work, what would a 60 year old be interested in a 23 year old for, that he was going to use me, etc... and yeah, they were right.
Doll, you're right, about some of us are sicker than others, he told me before I came here that he's one of the sicker ones. I've seen it, his rants and such, lots of resentments. I had figured, well, he's got 13 years... ya know... and after I got here, I found out that up until he came down to Memphis in January when I was moving up here, he hadn't been to a meeting in 3 months. And that he doesn't normally go to meetings. He goes more now, because of me. He told me he's never really sponsored anyone. He's had a couple of sponsees but they didn't last long and went and got drunk. He's not working the steps, has never worked the steps with his current sponsor, he only worked them that first time with his first sponsor... don't you go back and start over when you get through them? I know my sponsor back home still did stepwork with her sponsor... He goes on what seems to me to be "dry drunks" a whole lot... but I figured... he doesn't take out all that anger and hate on me... so it's no big deal...
One of my online friends (a female this time) said I could come stay with her... but I'm not uprooting my life now that I've just gotten settled here. She's in Florida, and I *don't* want to move down there. I love it where I'm at... but... now it's just figuring out what to do... he expects me to stay here... and part of me says ok, no big deal, I'll stay and we'll be friends... another part of me says I just can't do this... if he pulled that crap on me like that... how else is he gonna hurt me and screw me over? I have a friend here that would probably take me in... but... I don't know. She's taken in someone before and got screwed by it... and would be hesitant to take me in because of that I'm sure... and... she was my roommate's friend first... but she knows what's been going on and is pretty upset with him too... so... I dunno.
I don't want to move back to Memphis either. I don't want to leave Nebraska really. And that's not my pride keeping me from going home or anything... I just love it here... just gotta figure out what to do to deal with all this...
Oh, Lisa, My heart dropped when I saw your post's headline because I knew what it meant.
I hadn't shared my cocern about your relationship before because so many others here had done so and thought that sufficient . . . I also thought, who knows, maybe it'll be OK. I really hoped you wouldn't be wrong. And I think we knew when reading your post that your tone wasn't accusatory as far as you admitting your friends here were right.
He sounds like he's playing mind games with you and even if he said those things to you just to hurt you and he still loves you . . . do you really need that in your life? You're worth more.
You said "And you know the insane part of it? Even after that... I still love him. Am I insane??" I don't think you're insane. Our head and our hearts don't always agree, do they? I can relate to the confusion. Even after my ex-boyfriend moved and I was relieved at not having the mind games and meaness from him in my life anymore, I still loved him . . . still fantasized about us getting back together. Fortunately, I had a friend whose guiding voice was present to remind me not to call him.
If you stay living with him, do you think it will confuse your relationship even more? Will you be able to move on?
Especially where people places and things are involved...
And blame was always an easier softer way....
Thank God that I dont take that route today...
We learn by doing....We learn through choices that we make...
We learn by the mistakes we make...
And we grow...
You are no different gal...then the rest of us...
And one day at a time....the answers you are looking for...re the choices that you hafta make for YOU...will be answered...
Ive been in AA for a long time....and...
Over the past 9 years.....even, without a drink....and thinking that I was doing what was right...
I've made some big ones..that went for a complete crap..and they involved others...and I've been blamed for being the bad guy....in at least one of those experiences...when all I was trying to do...was be of help to someone else...
But yu know?
Good things come from learning experiences....
Even tho...when we are going through them....they are hard to see...
Stay sober....do the best you can....one day at a time...
And it will be ok.....
Good luck with it all kiddo...
Keep on truckin!!
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
At least I realized... I don't have to drink over this. I can admit, I haven't been in the best place with my sobriety, as far as working the program... until last night, I hadn't been to a meeting in maybe 3 or 4 weeks. I did get an online sponsor and we started working the steps, did step 1 at least, I'm supposed to be getting started on step 2, and I need to go ahead and do that. But generally haven't really been working the steps either... I haven't been turning to my higher power... I was praying a bit... for my little brother with what he's going through... but... I dunno... spiritually I'm not where I need to be. But with all this, I realized I need to get to meetings, even if it kills my back, I didn't sleep all night because I was in such pain after driving into town... but I don't care, I need meetings. I had some stinkin thinkin last night... even after the meeting... not serious thoughts of drinking, but that little idea... that well, Ben's out of town, I've got the house to myself, if I wanted to drink I could, and no one would know... I was driving home, and thought well there's the bar here in town... but it's not worth it, I'm not screwing up my sobriety over this. No, I'm not having serious thoughts of drinking... but that idea popping into my mind... just tells me I need to get to more meetings, I need to find a sponsor here in town, I need to work the program.
You're right Laura, sometimes our head and our hearts don't agree. I've been stewing over all this, having this time to myself to sort out my thoughts... and the more I stew over it... the less I love him... thinking about things he said to me, things he told me, things he's told me he's done in the past...
If I stay here with him, as friends... I don't know. I don't know how it will be. I don't know how I'll handle it. And as for moving on... yeah, that'd be tough.
Lisa, Even after MANY years of marriage I didn't want to see some things in my relationship with AH. Both of us contributed in someway to the problem. I will say though that by reviewing and reviewing AND REVIEWING those twelve steps plus tons of prayers I came to a point that I took responsibility for MY PART. I wasn't taking very good care of myself either........completely blew off what was being urged inside.......the result a loss of a breast. (I will never know.....had I gone much earlier whether it could have been saved. It didn't bother me to loose it...... It is the thought that I was risking the cancer to spread because I was so centered on AH and his mind games. VERY BLESSED......it was all arrested and I was given life.) You may always have a part of you to love this man.....no matter how badly he's made you feel. We are human.....people come and go in our lives. They leave imprints on our hearts. Some good and some not so good. The point is how do WE react to them and what do we do with these things that they impress upon us? I choose to love AH although he was verbally abusive in those last few years. Made me feel so low. Like Phil, all I wanted to do was help. He didn't want THAT kind of help. Had to do alot of soul searching.......in the end.......I had to do what was right FOR ME whether he believed it was right or not. I pray for him almost daily. Over the last 2 years have seen him twice. In my heart before I open my mouth there is always a silent prayer or serveral prayers. God has yet to let me down. I have come away from those encounters with feelings of sadness (his health has deteriorated so much), yet with a calmness in knowing that all that could be done to help him was. I miss him, yes. I DO NOT however miss this person he had/has become. I've kept you in my prayers and will continue to do so. Everyone here trully cares for you. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Continue to do the program. Somewhere down the line things will get better. Wanda
Ya know Wanda, I spent probably a month after moving up here, blaming my exhusband for everything that was wrong in our marriage... and eventually just came to the realization it was both of us, I did some things wrong too, probably a lot of things wrong. And I can admit my part in it now...
And this thing with my "boyfriend"/roommate... I can see things I did wrong there too, he chewed me out the other night for some things, and I could totally agree with him on a lot of it. I've been selfish, with quite a few things. I guess what got to me so bad about the whole thing, is at least I was honest with him about how I felt, he knew how I felt, that I was falling in love with him... he knew what I wanted, what I hoped for with us... and he never told me that wasn't in the picture, he never told me he didn't have those feelings for me, he said and did so many things to make me think there was something there... and then a couple of nights ago tells me there wasn't anything there at all, that he's been using me... I wasn't really mad at him at first... I was upset, hurt... what got me really mad was when I told him how I felt he threw it all on me and acted like he did nothing wrong...
I realized tonight, I was more or less on a dry drunk all day today... I spent a lot of time on the phone with a friend, ranting about the whole thing... and since I hadn't slept last night, and finally went to sleep at 6am, woke up this afternoon, I lost track of time, had planned on going to a meeting close to here, it was at 7, realized what time it was at 7:30... almost didn't go... but figured it'd be better to be late than to not go at all and I really needed it. It helped some, not quite enough... I got home and called a woman in the program that one of our friends had given me her number, and talked to her for quite awhile... that helped a lot. I realized I need to reach out, I need to go to meetings, I need to do whatever I need to do to keep myself sober... because although those thoughts last night weren't exactly serious, like plans to actually drink, it was close enough, a close enough call, and I can't risk my sobriety over this. The woman I talked to tonight told me the same thing, get to as many meetings as I can, read the big book when I can't get to meetings, call alcoholics and talk, pray, do whatever it takes. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to allow anyone to have that kind of power over me, if I drink over all this, I'm giving him power over me.
The woman I talked to told me AA is a selfish program, I gotta take care of myself, focus on myself right now, and do whatever I need to do as long as I stay sober. And she's right. I'm not sure yet exactly what I'm going to do, but I'm gonna focus on myself and pray about it and stay sober.
Well, he got back in town tonight, and he could tell I was upset about something, and asked if I was still upset with him. And asked why. And I told him, because he had said he used me for the past 3 months, and all that. He says he didn't say that. Says maybe I heard wrong. Ok, maybe I did hear wrong. I don't know. I can't remember now what his exact words were. But from what I do remember, and the way I felt while and after he chewed me out that night, that's what he said. He denies it now though, says he wouldn't say that to anyone.
My opinion, for what it's worth dear, If a relationship takes this much thought... it may be time to take a break from it.. It's one day at a time remember? Dont think about "moving on" ... just "what can I do today"... mabye... I CAN think about taking a break from this relationship to sort things out.. I CAN stay sober today. I CAN talk to another alcoholic... I CAN pray... I CAN talk to my sponsor... Id suggest reading the BB chapter "the family afterward" ... may not fit your situation entirely, but Im sure theres a few goodies in there you might relate to. If he has wronged you, remember, he's probably sick too... we do affect everyone around us... and pray for his well being, his security, his happiness. How can you best help him? Perhaps, again, by getting some distance between you both for a while.. perhaps not.. But the fact is, if you get so wrapped up in you, you, you.... your in a dangerous place. Work your steps and keep moving forward in the program... the third step prayer works wonders. Tommorows another day hun, Gods day... and it's gonna go pretty much the way HE wants it to any how... So what ever he deals us out, learning to accept it and make the best of it makes it so much easier. Best of luck. Glad your here.
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My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
Hey Lisa. Like Phil said, God leads us to each given point in our lives for a reason. You have made awesome, incredible strides since we first met here, and you are absolutely right, do not ever let anyone take your power away from you. You are doing what needs to be done for yourself, and contrary to what he may say now, he said something that gave you the message that you've been used, even if those weren't his exact words. Listen, listen to your gut. You deserve so much more in life than this.
At least, when all is said and done, you can be blessed that he brought you out to an area you've grown to love. Your life has gone into a healthy direction. That direction will continue with or without him, and you are number one here. Didn't someone offer yu a place way back when you first got there? Maybe that's still available if you decide it's too hard to stay there. I know you've worked your heart out on that farm, and really dealt with alot in the home itself when you arrived, so it is hard to let that go. But that area is wonderful for you, and kudos to you, Dear One, for hanging in there, recognising your needs, and taking care of yourself. We are always here for you, and you have my email addy if you want to use it, ok? Keep trusting in God, Love, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
