I took a nap today and had my first dream about drinking--I think, or possibly my second. I remember something sad happened (in my dream) on top of my reflection of the Virginia Tech shooting and I decided I wanted a beer. It was odd because I didn't dream about getting it--I just had this tremendous sadness and suddenly I was drinking a beer.
When I realized what I was doing, I told myself I could put it down; that sure, I'd have to start my sobriety count again but just because I made the mistake I didn't have to take on the mentality that 'oh, well, I opened the beer, I might as well finish it.' I drank a little more and then set it down.
Funny thing? The first thing I thought of when I woke up was why in the world was I dreaming about warm beer? I mean, why'd it have to be warm? And it didn't taste good--yeah, I not only dream in color, I often taste, smell, and experience physical pain in my dreams.
Truth is, I've had few days this past week during which I felt like a drink or I smelled and saw a glass of wine and just thought how wonderful it would be to drink it. And I had am-I-really-an-alcoholic? thoughts.
Fortunately, I'm smart enough to always give the correct answer (at least so far): Yes.
If I don't ask the question above then I usually ask myself if it's worth making a mistake about my diagnosis (and missing out on alcohol) even if I am not an alcoholic. I always answer YES! I'd much rather have made a mistake (and I don't think I have) about it not being possible for me to ever drink in moderation, than to gamble with blossoming opportunities and fulfilling my true potential and being of service to others!
As someone who has worked with troubled teens and as a preservice teacher, the Virginia Tech tragedy has really affected me emotionally. As humans who love and are engaged in our society, I'm sure many of you too have a certain way you've connected yourself with the tragic events. It just breaks my heart. The victims' profiles . . . such beautiful people . . . the Holocaust survivor who saved his students and in so doing sacrificed his life . . . his calling out to them to flee and he knew what true mortality and imminent danger was/is . . .
But the boy, the murder, himself is a tragedy. As a future teacher I want not just to protect my students, but to be a loving and responsive teachers for hurting souls like his. He is a part of a growing community of young killers who isolate themselves from society and want to see the end of the world . . . some how making themselves feel more important and wise than others . . . and not seeing that their perception of their world is really themselves . . . there choice . . . their creation.
Anarchists strike me as scary super egos and yet, I hope that I can detect them in my classroom and make a difference in their lives.
This has pooled in the recesses of my mind and surfaced from my subconscious in my sleeping consciousness. As much as I felt low and murky, I did have one small joy upon waking: I hadn't actually picked up an alcoholic beverage.
And I can still make a difference (in a good way).
Hi Laura! I've had those before although they occur infrequently. In fact, I believe the longer I am sober, the less I have had them. I think most, if not all of us have.
I do hope your teaching career works out well for you. It is a grand profession and you touch and help shape so many lives.
As far as the shooting in Va.: I think it is disheartening. Then again, I look at all of the television shows that are "top rated": CSI, Law and Order, etc. All shows about crime. Young and and old minds alike are bombarded by violence and violent acts of some kind. Why wouldn't something like that happen? I do my part (I feel) by not watching them and only wish I were one of those Nielson ratings people. I hear people talk about these shows and the acts committed in them and wonder "How do you find this entertaining (and why)?" I believe I'm far from alone in thinking that there is a connection between shows of this nature and crime in society today yet, I would not vote to censor them. I just fail to see an entertainment value to them or to a movie such as Pulp Fiction that's filled with senseless violence. I guess it's what I see as a lack of value placed on our human lives. Maybe I'm the oddity. Anyway...Sorry for the diatribe (kinda) but the subject just pushed a button with me.
I wish you good fortune (and no more "bad" dreams)...Tim
-- Edited by timverton at 06:01, 2007-04-19
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Hi Laura, Over the years I have had those drinking dreams. In my case, they are very realistic and frightening. I always feel I have have blown my sobriety and it is just horrible. I always wake up and realize it was only a dream and I feel so relieved. I have not had one in a few years, but I have had them also infrequently and may have them again, but I am sober today. Yea!!! Hang in there Laura and work your program oone day at a time. Regards, Roderick
Thanks guys, I appreciate the replies and your shares within them. It was just a wild experience--so real. Kind of funny that I never had drinking dreams when I was drinking, but now . . . I know what people were talking about in their posts before I quit or had the dream.
Ive had one dream, I wasnt actually drinking, but I was drunk, or high mabye... I woke up and was kinda scared, wondering if I had really done something the day before, and it took a few minutes to sort out.. LOL then my sponsee called me... and I figured it out. What a relief!
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My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
I've had those dreams. It's usually one beer only and usually before I drink it or after I just take a sip I look at it in total surprise like I just realised what I was doing and I give it to whoever I'm with. It's happened several times and I've always woken up relieved and glad that it was a sream and happy as ever to be sober.
We talked about this at a meeting not too long ago and this one guy told a story about dreaming he was smoking crack and he woke up and called his sponsor all freaked out and his sponsor (who was also a NA guy and a crack addict) laughed and told him "Enjoy it, brah- cause it's all you gonna get." I thought that was classic, though at this point I cant see anyone enjoying a drinking dream after having sobriety. For me there's too much guilt and implyed failure attached to drinking for me to enjoy even a dream of it. I'm scotch-Irish- we're good at guilt.
I was born and raised Catholic . . . we're pretty good at guilt too.
Yeah, and I'd have to agree with you that there's too much of a guilty/horror feeling attached to the I-dream-of-drinking experience to make it enjoyable (for me, anyway) . . . although I appreciate the joke you shared, TLH.
Miller--thanks for your share too. Whenever I read stories that I relate to here I feel normalized (Ok, what is that laughter I hear . . . what, normal exists here, doesn't it?).
