If you clicked on this thinking you might find something useful to the newcomer... well, my topic is actually the opposite.
I have some sobriety... I don't know if I qualify as an oldtimer, but it seems as time goes by, I seem to have less of value to share with the newcomer. Often in the past, it seemed that more people could relate to me when my ass was falling off. It has been a while since I was in that condition, and as a result I often feel a bit inadequate to relate to newcomers, or anyone else whose ass is falling off.
I know that if my life is good today, I should share my experience and that gives people hope that the program works. I know when I was new, I certainly found a lot of hope in the oldtimers - even if I could relate to the people that were in the same boat with me at the time.
I feel like when someone says they are going through the ringer - you know, all the standard country song woes -- lost wife, lost job, lost kids, broke, no car/truck, it feels trite to say "this too shall pass", "it gets better if you keep coming back". Maybe I'm just remembering how trite it sounded to me when I was on the other side, but yet it did give me hope. But maybe it's more of a boundary thing for me; I feel if I get too close to a person I can get pulled into their problems and start wanting to give advice, help out, try and fix things - and the alternative is to just be aloof and say keep coming back....
I've recently started going to some different meetings that have more newbies, and it is good for me to be reminded, but I listen to the things the oldtimers say - and sometimes think, why couldn't I have said that. I just talked for 5 minutes and didn't mention higher power, didn't mention step 1... I am not much of a hardass. I am not comfortable kicking people in the ass when they are down. Even if it's what they need. It's just not my nature.
I have always stuck to working on myself - and the sum total result of all the 12th step work I have ever done is that I stayed sober myself. As is often said... that's the whole point! And each time I hear the "country song" story, I think "but for the grace of God..." and I know that person has helped ME stay sober today. I'm just not sure if I can do anything for them.
Keeps one pretty humble...with all the remember whens...and being able to share experience strength and hope with others...from the heart...gives back to us ten fold...
There were lots of different times in sobriety when I thought that I had all the answers..
Hell....bud...
I still dont know a lot of the questions..and never will...
And life on lifes terms can still be a bitch....
Doesnt matter how long weve been around here...
Wishing you another good day...:)
Keep smilin!!
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
It's challenging but in martial arts we referred to it as "keeping a white belt mentality". I knew almost nothing when I started, I know an imperceptible amount more today, when I die I'll still be learning and searching for answers.
I go to every beginners meeting, religiously. Keeps me humble. I hear a LOt of people talk like that about beginners meetings. I also hear a lot of people talk about newbies helping the newest people and talking with them because they do have so much more in common. I dont think your situation is that uncommon.
But what do I know- I'm just a newby myself. And will be for another ten years at least.
barisax wrote: I've recently started going to some different meetings that have more newbies, and it is good for me to be reminded, but I listen to the things the oldtimers say - and sometimes think, why couldn't I have said that. I just talked for 5 minutes and didn't mention higher power, didn't mention step 1... I am not much of a hardass. I am not comfortable kicking people in the ass when they are down. Even if it's what they need. It's just not my nature.
Hey! Thanks for your post. This one thing that you wrote kind of stuck out in my mind. You said that you DID talk for 5 minutes and I am sure at least one person got something out of it. I have only gone to a few meetings and the first one that I went to I got completely turned off because everyone was mentioning this "higher power". At that time I did not feel like I related to anyone there (even though we all had one MAJOR thing in common), just because all I kept hearing about was this higher power. I was/am not a religious person whatsoever. Now I realize that a higher power can be more than just "God" but at that time I did not know that. My second meeting was much better because the whole meeting wasn't focused on everyone's higher power like the first meeting I went to. So just because you are not mentioning your higher power does not mean that you are not helping, because like I said those are the ones that are stuck in my mind and that I think about on a daily basis. It takes different personalities to help different people and I am sure your personality helps people too on here and at meetings! I think that you are helping more than you know Not sure if this made sense...
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"Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't"
Thanks everyone for the replies. I don't consider myself agnostic, but at the same time, I don't talk a lot about HP because, well -- I don't know much about my HP. I can talk about the miracles I have witnessed but when it comes to understanding, He is the dog and I am the tail. I don't know what God's will for me is until it has happened. And I certainly don't know what God's will is for somebody else. That's pretty much the sum total of the understanding part, when I speak of God as I understand Him.
I go through each day making choices and inflicting my will in the pursuit of my own goals, but I know that any power I seem to have is just an illusion. Being human is interesting - we are the only animal that fantasizes about being God. And that trait must serve - or at least amuse God in some way. It sure can amuse me sometimes
And when I think back to my early days in AA, and what I needed then... I got it. What I needed wasn't so much analysis, theory, solutions, fixing... more the equivalent of a wastebasket to throw up in... someone to listen to my ranting and bitching and moaning without condemning me. There's a point even when you're puking your guts out (or doing the emotional equivalent) that you realize you *are* still alive and breathing and maybe you feel just 0.001% better than you did 5 minutes ago... and 0.002% better than 10 minutes ago.
I remember more than one time, going on and on about it being the end of the world, only to stop and see people smiling knowingly at me. And thinking... WTF... you mean it's NOT the end of the world?
Maybe what we really have to offer the newcomer is simply our existence, our presence. Yes, we are here, we are alcoholics, we are sober. I remember that feeling at my first meeting -- that you all knew me, and were waiting for me to arrive.
From my perspective, something that those who were and are sober for any length of time that meant/means more than anything to me is mental attitude, be it towards drinking or living life sober. That is ALWAYS what you will have to offer and will always have an impact, even subconciously, on someone. Thanks for the post Barisax...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Often times I feel the same way. I'm not much for talking or giving advice. At meetings I like to listen, occasionally share, and be available. What I've realized is that when I first came around, the guys who had what I wanted weren't the ones constantly giving advice, or sermonizing on the steps. It was the guys I saw putting chairs away, offering rides, and in general being nice. That's the sobriety I wanted. We can't all be the Daniel Websters of AA, but we can still be good and productive members. Your post is proof of that. Mike
Not sure if this made sense... 