This dance of Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships - of relationships that do not work to meet our needs. That does not mean just romantic relationships, or family relationships, or even human relationships in general. The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life - with being human. It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings. And the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with ourselves is a symptom of Spiritual dis-ease, of not being in balance and harmony with the universe, of feeling disconnected from our Spiritual source. That is why it is so important to enlarge our perspective. To look beyond the romantic relationship in which we are having problems. To look beyond the dysfunction that exists in our relationships with other people. The more we enlarge our perspective, the closer we get to the cause instead of just dealing with the symptoms. For example, the more we look at the dysfunction in our relationship with ourselves as human beings the more we can understand the dysfunction in our romantic relationships. ( The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney)"As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving."
The more we heal our childhood emotional wounds and change the dysfunctional intellectual programming the clearer we can see reality. The more we learn to have boundaries, to ask for what we need, to be direct and honest in our communication, the healthier we become in our relationships. Healthy enough to get out of them quickly if we see too many warning signs.
Romantic relationships can be a great adventure if our perspective and expectations of them are realistic and healthy.
Fear of intimacy keeps people in a come here - go away dance.
"It is very boring and incredibly painful to keep repeating dysfunctional relationship patterns. The way to stop repeating those patterns is to start healing the wounds that we suffered in childhood."
If we are reacting to old wounds and old tapes then we are not being emotionally honest and are incapable of healthy emotional intimacy.
When two people are connecting in a healthy way on all levels - physical, emotional, mental, and Spiritual - the union can become a sacred experience.
-------------------And an addition to this post....Letting Go..To let go does not mean to stop caring,it means I can't do it for someone else.To let go is not to cut myself off,it's the realization I can't control another.To let go is not to enable,but allow learning from natural consequences.To let go is to admit powerlessness, which meansthe outcome is not in my hands.To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.To let go is not to care for,but to care about.To let go is not to fix,but to be supportive.To let go is not to judge,but to allow another to be a human being.To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,but to allow others to affect their destinies.To let go is not to be protective,it's to permit another to face reality.To let go is not to deny,but to accept.To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,but to try to become what I dream I can be.To let go is not to regret the past,but to grow and live for the future.
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
I remember the last time we spoke about codependency--or at least the last time that I participated in the discussion--I mentioned a man whom I was interested in and despite not being 100% sure if I was ready for a relationship, I was going to be open to pursuing him.
Funny thing is, as we got to know each other more in our social setting (among mutual friends) the more I began to realize my gut had been talking to me . . . it had been trying to tell me this new guy was a lot like the ex-boyfriend with whom I'd had a tremendously dysfunctional relationship and with whom I began to drink a great deal (and eventually every day after we'd broken up). I opened my eyes and ears and really started to try to see him and myself as we are--not as what I wanted us to be.
When we were first getting to know each other he had made a big deal during one conversation (with a large group of friends) that he did not ever drink. Now, he did not and does not know that at the time I was trying to quit drinking. Then about three weeks ago he offers to bring the liquor to a party we (as in a group of friends . . . not him and me) were going to have. I thought this odd. When I got to the party he was acting as bartender and I asked him about his comment he'd made a while back about never drinking, I mean not in accusatory fashion (I'm the one with a problem) but I was confused. His reply was that he doesn't ever drink. He doesn't like alcohol. Now, the weird thing was that he was already working on a heavy buzz and by the end of the night the guy was full on drunk. Apparently he doesn't consider rum alcohol and from some comments he'd made I gathered that he drank quite a bit of rum at home. Now, I'm not judging him for drinking, but I think it's really wierd that he would continue to make such a big deal about never drinking alcohol ("I never touch the stuff") and yet he appears to be heavy drinker.
But before that night there were other characteristics that had begun to remind me of my ex-boyfriend. That night just sort of confirmed my feeling that he and I weren't right for one another. That was the night he'd decided to finally talk about how he felt about me.
What this taught me was I really need to start asking myself why I keep choosing guys of a certain type--guys who tell horribly offensive childish jokes, who drink a great deal, who make it clear I would not ever be an exclusive interest for them . . .
Of course, I know the answer, or part of it anyway . . . . self-esteem. My self-esteem about other things in my life is much stronger and better. I just can't be in a relationship until I feel good about myself; until I love myself. Otherwise I'll continue to attract people who mirror my own perspective of my romantic worth: I'm not worth it. Then it will be like if I can convince them I'm worth it, I must be.
Despite the depressing nature of my share here I'm actually proud of myself. I mean, I'm lonely and despite the fact that I realized the guy would not be healthy for me to spend anymore time wtih, I still found him attractive. I am no longer hanging out with the same people. I made a choice to walk away. I recognized that I was still attracting another disfunctional relationship (and yeah, I'd be contributing to that disfunction) so I walked away and chose to be alone and will remain alone for awhile longer. And by alone I don't mean without friends, I just mean romantically.
"We go with the familiar" because its what we know...
Today Im going out with a very healthy lady...in all aspects...
And...its all new...
Theres nothing to analyze..nothing to fear...we are not emotionally enmeshed all over the map..in needy ways...there are no insecure and control issues....there isnt a train load of baggage from the past to carry...on either side...and there are no expectations...
There are some moments that I hafta sit back and say Holy Shit!!
Its different.....and a whole new learning process...
Im not going to share with you how long in this program, it took...before getting into something healthy...and non..co dependant...
I'll just share...It was one hell of a long time..:)
Onward!!
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Well Phil, number 8 on the horizon? Hmmmmm! LOL. Sorry, I couldn't refuse. Am happy for you and wishing you the best.
Received an email by my son no less the other day......one of those kinds where you have to send to so many.......and it will happen....... I rarely forward them but now you got me thinking.
This one had multiple choices except for the last question (rather more a command). Supposedly a Chinese Zen sort of horoscope and according to my answers:
My life is full of love. I like to help others. My future love life looks very good. My life will take a different direction. And I like adventure. The last one was to make a wish. (It was to be a realistic one.) I was to forwarded this email to one person and within a year the wish would come true. Forward it to 10 it would happen within the hour.
Gettin out the shoot gun, are you ready for it. Thought I heard the "M" word, keepin it handy just in case!!!! You get the thought, Oh wait did I hear something from your end!!! Just say the word and I'll be happy to help!!!! Laughing. Kidding, by the way. Good luck to you down the road
I am new to this, I mean NEW to all of this. A very dear friend, is in recovery, less then 200 days. And he has pulled me in and out of his life so many times I am dizzy. I am the best of the best when things are good, It is clear how close we are, yet when emotions are high and intimacy is overwhelming he flips out and shuts down... no way to reach him...
I am then accused of bulldozing (hate that term). I try to be patient and not angry, I leave supportive messages, until he is ready, I am wondering should I just detach completly, let go all together... or "softly" let him know I am here when he is ready to "return" or is that enabling... this is confusing! I want to understand and be supportive. I really appreciate and am proud of what he is doing. The dance is just draining and painful, I know he is doing the best he can...
Yawn, sorry for the long share.