I find that I'm quite angry today.....if you read my posts you know I've "been there" recently for my ex husband, thru his DUI, hip surgery, and life just kicking his ass right now in general.....I have shared my ES&H to the best of my ability with him and I have given him advice (yes advice) but only when he asked for it.....He was drunk and admitted recently to hooking up with his present ( ex now) g/f before our divorce was final. We'd been separted for 18 months when I met and started a friendship with my now b/f and the Ex pointed fingers, told anyone who would listen I was cheating on him, called and threatened my b/f on several occasions and even went to far as to try to charge me with adultry during our divorce proceedings..... When I got sober one of my first thoughts was he would be at the top of my Step 9 list, because I didn't wait till the ink was dry & I do have remorse for that. Now I find out he's the pot calling the kettle black - ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I will no longer "be there" for him. I can't! I really wasn't the right person for this job anyway, but felt he had no one else.....I'm trying to let it go, and move on, but found I needed to share it first & don't feel safe doing it in a f2f for many reasons...now, I can let it go.......so, thank you my MIP family......Jen
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Jen, Sounds pretty much like the story of my life....... which led me to finding you all here. The only difference.......I wasn't drinking nor did I ever hook up with anyone during my marriage. The difference now between you and he......you got your head out of the "fog" and began taking responsibility of your life in a healthier way. You have went over and over the 12 steps so you know that how to cope with life in REAL positive ways. I got accused of MANY things..... I felt hurt, as to why he would do and say all these things knowing there wasn't an iota of truth. Yet at the time, all these emotions surfaced.... I HAD to feel the anger/pain/sorrow/resentment/fear,,,,,ect. ect. in order to "let it go" and move forward. I had to stop "playing along" with his head games. Alcoholism is HIS problem. In ways that I probably do not know all of, alcohol has cost him dearly. He's had the major veins in one leg stripped, had a heart attack, his back is in constant pain, his breathing sounds as if he's gasping for breath, he is in just as much debt as when he took up with his gf something of which I was accused of accruing for him. I pity him YET I not longer will allow him to "get to me" to the point I take pity on him. Admittedly 30yrs. was REAL hard to let go of. I still love him very much and pray for him..... I still have those moments.....probably always will..... All the negative emotions however, are more and more replaced by positive ones. It is I who should thank you and everyone here. I could not have come this far without you all!!!!! Wishing you better days. Wanda
Pain is simply weakness leaving the body. This is what we find when we learn to sit with ourselves & emotions & come out to the other sides. Love to you all, Danielle xxx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Jen and Wanda--thank you for sharing and I wish you both well and happiness. I really appreciate your shares . . . I could totally have had the marriages you two had if it hadn't taken me so long to start to even trust someone enough to date. I started late in life because I was afraid of men, sex, and love (I won't go into why) and the only boyfriend I ever had was the one I've mentioned on here a couple of times. And the men I've been attracted to (and felt close to worthy of) since have been similar to him and see, their actions sound very similar to what you have described.
I thank my Higher Power that the ex-boyfriend had to move (for his job) otherwise I might still be with him. There have been times that he has contacted me and hinted about us getting back together.
I am so thankful to be surrounded by people that are helping me open my eyes to other symptoms I exhibit--such as codependency and relationships with people who play mind games.
By sharing your experiences, I'm better able to see the relationship that I had and it's flaws and my danger of moving into another one that is just as unhealthy. You two (and others) are helping me save some time by accelerating the learning process for me (and probably others).
I will no longer "be there" for him. I can't! I really wasn't the right person for this job anyway, but felt he had no one else.....I'm trying to let it go, and move on, but found I needed to share it first & don't feel safe doing it in a f2f for many reasons...now, I can let it go.......so, thank you my MIP family......Jen