I usually post on the Alanon board, but have a question that I think can be better answered by AA folks.
I understand from step 9 that not all amends should be completely direct and honest, and it specifically says especially where a third party is involved.
So my struggle is regarding an affair that I believe my spouse had with a co-worker. I have been really fighting this for a while and I can't seem to find the way on this one. I don't see how I can move on from and heal my marriage when my heart and soul tell me that something happened here and I need direct honesty to work it out. As far as I am concerned, my husband is choosing to protect this woman at my expense. The not being able to deal with the situation openly and honestly hurts far more than believing that something happened between them, and to be honest, I wonder if it is still going on. It is made worse by the fact that he still works with and sees her every day.
I just don't know what to do with this one, and I fear that I will not be able to let it go until I deal with it. If I can't let it go, it will probably destroy my marriage, and I feel like I can't do anything about it.
Made direct amends... except when to do so, would injure them or others...
And the line in your post that says...that "You believe there has been an affair" but arent positive?
I was in a marriage....sober...where I was accused of all sorts of things that never happened....Trust issues from the past..that really had nothing to do with me...It was rough...
It could be...one of those "Let It Go things" ....or unless theres absolute proof...nothings going to happen...
Honest comunication with hubby, about it....is the only other route that I know of...
Good luck with it...
__________________
"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
I'm confused - possible blonde moment - but WHO is on step 9 ? You ? or your husband ? If it's hubby, hon, I'm sure you realize you can't do the steps for him or the way you want him to do them......
Not to make light of your situation, but reading this reminded of a Seinfeld episode: for those who didn't see it - the short version
An old friend of the gang named Jason (played by James Spader) is going through AA and is currently working on step 9. George is anxious to receive Jason's apology for a humiliating neck-hole incident years before. Jason stops by the restaurant to apologize to Jerry, but fails to apologize to George. George confronts him later, only to be humiliated some more. George talks to Jason's sponsor, who recommends that he attend a meeting, only it's not AA, it's Rage-oholics Anonymous. Jason tries to apologize to George, but it isn't quite what George had in mind so they both go into a rage............
The bottom line. We alcoholics do our steps the best we can at the time. We can't be made to do them to suit others...The good news, they can be repeated over and over and over and over and.....
-- Edited by Doll at 18:44, 2007-04-05
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
"I understand from step 9 that not all amends should be completely direct and honest, and it specifically says especially where a third party is involved"
First. All amends MUST be direct and honest if one wishes to clean up the past... If how ever, one finds that an amend might hurt some one, it is some times, on the rare occasion, best to go another route. We have no right to save our own skin at some one elses expense. The first thing I tell most folks is Im not a marriage counselor or a banker... But I can say this. Try not to predict the future. If your husband is still working step nine, he may have not yet come to this amend. I know I put my wife off till last... . It took some time to build nerve. lol. Also, If (and I say IF) this thing did happen, it could very well be that he feels it might destroy A, your marriage. B, her life/marriage ect.. or C, any children that may be involved. Keep in mind that if he's alcoholic, he may well see things quite different from others, including you. If he in all ernestnest, in his heart of hearts, feels it best not to make the ammend, then "he" is working towards "his" cure.. thus making life better for both of you. Like Doll says, it is "his" step nine. Let him work it, and have faith. Healing is about the future, not the past. Id also suggest reading in the Big Book, "the family afterward". Perhaps after he has worked through the steps, and been in the program for some time, after things settle down, the two of you might find a way to begin discussing this. This is all just the way I see it, but best of luck to the both of you.
-- Edited by miller2 at 23:36, 2007-04-04
__________________
My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
or the way you want him to do them......