I'm looking for some insight as to why and how a recovering A, stops attending meetings. My friend is in recovery about six years. We had a bit of relationship trouble. I hit my rock bottom because of this... I have now begun to step up my recovery. I'm talking to my sponsor, and menbers, doing two al-anon meetigns a week and an AA meeting. This has been a great insight as to why the A's in my life have hurt me...
But my friend has not been to Meetings for months. Since we split up. Say's he does not need to do so many anymore... He is keeping himself busy, I think he is using this to take the focus off his troubles...
But he tells me, he is OK, and he doesnt need to do meetings non stop...
I have a former friend who has over 20 years and claims that you do not need AA after 10 years; he was possibly the most dysfunctional and toxic individual who I have ever allowed into my life, and I unfortunately allowed his "years" to color how much of what he said I accepted blindly. I beleive that he could benefit from working a program, but he does not to my knowledge.
I beleive that some stop showing up because they want to rest on their laurels, or they don't think that they need it anymore becuase they're cured; my rebuttal to that, is that when you're doing well, you have a responsibility to extend the hand of AA to the newcomer, but everyone is different, and everyone makes a different choice as to what they want to do.
Of course as life goes on, a person may not need as many meetings, maybe taking it down to one a week or therabouts, but outright leaving AA usually doesn't yield the best of results. I'm sure that there are those who leave and do just fine, and there are those who leave and get completely obliterated by life without working a program, I guess the bottom line is that the only person you can force to go to a meeting is yourself.
I have quite a few friends who are pretty successful in life and at being sober and healthy and happy that got sober through AA and worked the program but haven't been to a meeting since I've known them (like years and years, not weeks and weeks.) People are different- everyone has different needs.
My b/f's best friend of over 30 yrs is 17 yrs sober and stopped attending AA meetings about 10 yrs ago. He is not dysfunctional, nor is he toxic. He is a happy, career oriented, father, husband, son, friend, etc. and a pleasure to be around! I chalk it up to 'different strokes for different folks'.
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Now..that doesnt make me any smarter or any wiser than anyone else...
On the contrary....its still a one day at a time thing..and there are still some days...I know shit...
Now..there were times that I thought I did...
Everything was hunky dorry...and I felt that I didnt need meetings, or go to as many...
And unknown to me.....those big gaps when I didnt attend meetings? ...put going forward ....on HOLD...
And the old attitudes and thinking started to set in...
The people around me could see it..I could not....or was not aware of it...or was in complete denial...that attitudes...and reactions, to people, places and things, were slowly changing into a dry drunk..
And yes....I was wrapped up in my work also..because it was a priority over anything else...Doh!
I cannot speak for anyone else....
And its been mentioned......different strokes for each of us...
But...
I am aware of one important thing...
If this kid, quits going to meetings, and working the program on a regular basis...?
The old thinking will eventually set back in..
My attitude will become garbage...
I will proceed to try to run my own show...including self sufficiency
I will stop trying to share experience, strength, and hope with others..
And self centeredness and self will ....will become rampid..
In other words..
I will become a sober ass hole....caring only...for my own selfish needs...
And screw anyone else...
Not an nice way to be..:)
Big hugs to yu gal....
Keep lookin up!!
-- Edited by Phil at 20:51, 2007-03-26
__________________
"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
There are people at both extremes - those who have made AA their whole lives 20 years in and have no outside life, to those who go until they feel stable and then put it on the back burner while they are active at work, with family, and in the community and just forget about 'issues'. Then there are people, like me, who go when they need to,, more at times and less at times, and then take a break sometimes too. There is no requirement that true recovery is measured by how active in AA one is, or what positions they hold in AA 10 years later. AA does need people, however, who are willing to be committed 20 years later to share and give back to those who are newly entering and getting familiar with the whole AA concept, to pass those traditional concepts on, in spite of any newbie's desire to rewrite the Book.
I think what we are saying, generally, is that we don't know your boyfriend, why he does what he does, or doesnt, and we can tell you what he 'should' do.
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Hi Ally, I wish you and your friend the best of luck. The volume of posts you have already received seems to cover the subject sensibly. amanda2u2...........Wow! Nicely said
Anyway Ally, I have been in AA a long time and have not been going to meetings lately. I do have call and reason to talk the program with newcomers and old timers alike. I feel as though I am active in AA even though I have not been going to meetings lately. Actually, the reason I joined this site is to go to the online meetings and share the program here in MIP. I like it!!
I do not feel like my life is particularly soft this minute nor do I feel like if I don't go to a meeting tonight I will drink, (but I am an alcoholic and stranger things have happened), I just miss the meetings and talking the program with other recovering alcoholics. I also feel a dire need to share my sobriety with others. Anyway, maybe your friend will decide the same. Regards, Roderick
Hi Ally, I know from my own experience that the motivation will come when the pain gets bad enough. To me it would seem like he missing out on carrying the message to the newcomer, which is what keeps me sober. Just try not to enable him.
-Michael
-- Edited by mirey at 01:56, 2007-03-28
__________________
Expectations are like premeditated resentments.
A cool website with AA Speakers http://www.aaspeakers.org/
