It's healthy, wise, and loving to be considerate and responsive to the feelings and needs of others. That's different from caretaking. Caretaking is a self-defeating and, certainly, a relationship defeating behavior - a behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized - because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need will come to the surface.
Some people seem to invite emotional caretaking. We can learn to refuse the invitation. We can be concerned; we can be loving, when possible; but we can place value on our own needs and feelings too. Part of recovery means learning to pay attention to, and place importance on, what we feel, want, and need, because we begin to see that there are clear, predictable, and usually undesirable consequences when we don't.
Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to do this. Be understanding with yourself when you slip back into the old behavior of emotional caretaking and self-neglect.
But stop the cycle today. We do not have to feel responsible for others. We do not have to feel guilty about not feeling responsible for others. We can even learn to let ourselves feel good about taking responsibility for our needs and feelings.
Today, I will evaluate whether I've slipped into my old behavior of taking responsibility for another's feelings and needs, while neglecting my own. I will own my power, right, and responsibility to place value on myself.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Hey Carol. This post is right on for me at this moment. If I'm so busy "taking care of" others (which for me is synonomous with controling) that I neglect my own needs, then if someone truly does need me, I'm to burnt out to help whole-heartedly. I get my most intense in "helping" others when I'm avoiding dealing with my own issues. It's a good cop out for me.
I set some serious boundries last week, and I'm still vibrating from the resulting quake (well, it was Calif. after all, LOL), but it shocked not only those involved, but shocked me that I finally said "this is enough". Strange how easy it is to keep a boundry on myself, but not others.
If I'm keeping spiritually fit, staying firm seems to be easier for me. Just a day at a time, eh? Love, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
