I'm new to all of this diease stuff. I broke up with my guy about 3 months ago. I really hurting and feeling the loss. Someone that is a recovering addict told me today that my x alcoholic in walking around numb and is not feeling any pain. He drinks straight whisky everyday. I'm told that hes pickeled. You can smell the whisky even when he hadn't taken the first drink for the day. Even after he brushed his teeth.
I broke up with him because of the way I was starting to feel. I'm co-dependent big time. He did not want the break up, Do they just drink and never feel the loss of someone they cared about? I know he doesn't think much about himself and really doesn't have GOD in his life, so he probably truly can't love anyone. I just think it's so unfair that I'm the only hurting. Is it possible he could be huring too?
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With God all things are possible. God Bless all of you
Of course he is, Sharon. Pain comes in many forms & even if you have to ignore or deny it, it's still having its ravaging effects on a deeper level? Sometimes not even being able to feel pain is pain in itself as with pain comes eventual cleansing & learning. If this isn't being fully appreciated how can joy be felt on a truly deep & grateful level. No one ever gets away with pain or has a free-ride. Your ex will be dealing with his own issues & demons the best way he knows how & sometimes we need to survive on arrogance. It's strange how we feel a sense of comfort in knowing the other may be suffering too. I suppose because this then gives us the ability not to feel anger & to feel compassion & perhaps forgiveness instead but that may be coming from ego. If we can love & forgive ourselves first, then maybe we can offer that out if only in our minds to these other people we see as hurting us with their seeming indifference. The fact is that we can only be responsible for ourselves. I recently broke up with my ex too six weeks ago. We were co-dependent in many subtle ways & were trying to conduct ourselves long distance too. We're both in early recovery but damage had already been done & when it's time to move on we really have to give ourselves space to heal & not inflict any more damage by our current inadequacies. It's hard, but eventually we learn we don't have to live with other people in our heads. It seems to me that that's what God's for, to protect us by our first thoughts being for 'Him'. I'm glad you mentioned this aspect, it's so important for us & a good route to self~love. Thanks for sharing, Sharon, nice to meet you x Hope to share with you again soon. Let us know how you are, Danielle xxx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thanks for posting. I'm hurting so much today. I want to call him, but I'm scared that he will reject me and know that it's probably the right think to do. I'm so tired of hurting. Why can't he see how much drinking is ruining his life?
Why would drinking be more important than being with someone that cares about you? Doesn't he see what is happening to him? He drinks by himself all week. How much fun can that be?
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With God all things are possible. God Bless all of you
I am so truly sorry that you are hurting now. I do hope that the pain will start to ease for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.
When I was still drinking I just couldn't see how it was ruining my life. Other people, places and things might be ruining it - but, I wasn't. My long term boyfriend left me because of my drinking and the effect that it was having on him. I thought that I would be able to stop or cut down, but my drinking only got worse. I was hurting so much and I 'needed' a drink.
I would drink on my own all day, every day and it was hell. Towards the end of my drinking, I truly wanted to stop and sought help. It was only after I started to sober up and work the program that I could really see just how unmanageable my life actually was.
Sharon, I really do hope that things will start to get better for you. Just hang in there. Please keep posting and letting us know how it goes for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Sharon, do you have anything like Alanon in your area? Getting some support for yourself, allowing yourself to heal is so very important. You are a person worthy of love!
I have been on both sides of the fence, both as a recovering alkie, and I was married to an alcoholic.
I literally had to make a geographic move when I got of rehab as he was a violent drunk, and I knew for me to go back home would eventually mean death. I was battered on a daily basis.
I have learned through the years in my own recovery that I was also codependent, and I would pick the sickest ones every time to have a relationship with! It wasn't until I started to look at the patterns of my behavior and attitudes that I understood I still had a lot of changing to do, even though I was staying sober.
The greatest gift you can give yourself is the gift of your own recovery from codependence! Alcoholism leaves a wake of devastation with all of those it touches.
I do feel your pain; I have been there. ((((hugs))))
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
Hi Sharon, So sorry you are hurting. You have 3 months invested in the break up and I would like to see you re-invest that time into yourself. Practicing alcoholics enter into people's lives like a tornado, wreaking havoc and destruction. If they wanted what we have half as much as we want to give it to them, there would be no need for these forums. You made your choice to break up for your own reasons and I am sure they were good ones. Hang in there and love yourself. Keep posting and talking to folks who are sober. We all want the best for you. Now if you want the best for you, it's unanimous. Best Regards, Roderick
Ditto the above. Keep your process going. It gets better the more pain (that we deal with successfully) the more we gain. Lean on us. We have all been there. We're with you here, now. There is a whole new world available to you if you will just bring more of us into your life. Paul
Once you got sober, did you ever call the ex to let him know that you got help? Sometimes I thinks he wants to quit, but is scared. He really started drinking hard when his mom died. He even tried is past summer. He saw a council for a short time, she suggested AA. He never went and finally stop seeing her. Eventually went back to drinking. He saw her for me I guess and really wasn't ready to stop and still isn't.
I want to send him an Easter Card, but not sure if I should or not. Any suggestions, I just want him to know that people care about him. When I broke up with him, I told him he has a friend for life. I think he might be dating and I don't want to get in the way of that.
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With God all things are possible. God Bless all of you
Hiya Sharon, me & my ex both went into recovery together but at different times. I joined AA last August whilst he was in Sweden & he didn't go to NA until he came back over to Liverpool in November & relapsed after some clean time whilst away. He didn't realise that clean time doesn't constitute as recovery so he started meetings right away when he went back. We have to attend meetings in order to learn about the illness & begin to build defences against that first drink/use. (Am I right in thinking that you're the A & he's the Alky whereas me & my ex are the reverse!?) Anyway, one of the first things we try to learn is that we can't control others we can only be responsible for ourselves. I know you care deeply about your ex but his self-centredness means this will never be enough for him. Until he can start to take care of himself your efforts will seem to be wasted. To this effect it means you calling him or sending cards is your own problem of not being able to let go. It hurts so much to feel this kind of futility but anything you do could risk being an ego boost for him, especially if he's seeking attentions & affections elsewhere. Ultimately it'll hurt yourself for these efforts to seem to go to waste. Let him go for now Sharon & concentrate on yourself & your own recovery because this is the only thing you can have a direct influence on. Sorry if my words are forward in any way, I can only speak from my own experience & what I think I've learned. I'm sure everyone here will help to balance my view if it's needed. Thanks for asking x give yourself credit for the courage you've shown already, Danielle xxx
Ps. If you really want to send him an Easter card you can but be careful what you're expecting from it as this can hurt more in the long run x Praying may help x
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 18:10, 2007-03-25
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 19:23, 2007-03-25
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thank you all for responding. Today I was feeling sad, so I called a friend that I haven't seen in along time. She and I went for a long walk and I shared with her about my relationship that I just ended. She asked me to tell her about him, so I did.
I told her about all the things that I liked about him He was always nice to me Was very generous with his money Always wanted to do stuff, never wanted to sit around and watch TV. We got along very well, I think we had 2 fights the entire relationship Complimented me all the time Wanted to spend time with me Call me everynight before he went to bed. Never late Listened to me when I had a problem, even if it was about his drinking. He still would listen and got get mad.
These are the reasons why I'm having such a hard time. I always here that the A can be abusive or mean and controlling. None of this was going on with us. We actually enjoyed each other. It's so confussing sometimes. I try and remember the reasons why I ended it, but it's getter to remember. He just is not your typical A. He works hard everyday at work and home. Sometimes I think I made the wrong choice. Shouldn't I be feeling good about ended it if it was so terrible. Or am I in denial?
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With God all things are possible. God Bless all of you
Hey Sharon x You said you ended it because of reasons of codependancy & the way this & his alcoholism was making you feel. It's easy to become lulled into remembering all the good points but you ended the relationship for yourself right? You wanted to change & maybe you couldn't whilst you were both together. Something inside you said it wasn't right & it could have been your Higher Power. Try & remember those initial reasons for breaking up & write them down. Maybe this will help give you some clarity. Maybe you had to be selfish in order to survive. Maybe you're scared & hurt as now you are experiencing a sense of loss. We fear loss & abandonment & we hate to feel alone. Don't fear being alone, you'll grow strong & you'll know it was the pain that helped you to grow. I'm sorry you feel like this right now, maybe you're breaking an old pattern & eventually you'll have helped to liberate yourself to live in new ways. If it's meant to be, it will be. I hope this helps some. I've been feeling these things too & can't say if there's any wisdom in my share though I hope you can draw some strength. Prayers & blessings, Danielle x
Ps, I hope I've not been too presumptious in my words. I was pretty tired last night & still raw some from my own experiences. Your situation is your own & it'll be in your own knowledge & decision if you draw any parallels. I wish you the best in your Sobriety! Thanks for sharing, I hope you're feeling a little better today xx
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 10:25, 2007-03-26
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thanks so much for sharing all of you. Yes, I'm the al-anon and he is the A and addicted to pot. This is why it's so confussing. I should be glad and be able to move, but it seems like it's getting harded instead of getting easier. I have a sponser, but I feel like I don't want to keep telling her all I do is cry on the weekend. I feel like I don't want to go on anymore. I'm not really happy with anything right now. My son moved out and I miss him. I live in this big house and I'm all alone. I know I have lots of men issues. I always pick the ones that are not available. The last boyfriend I had was passive-aggressive. Yuk. Very unavailable. We talk now a little as friends. He ok to be friends with only. I'm no longer interested and he finally admitted that he is unavailable now that we are not together. So I'm in this great spiritual group program on Friday nights. I look forward to this all week. The guy running the place is amazing. He wrote a book on Addiction and God. Very interesting reading. He has been helping me with alot of my issues. But I'm still hurting and lonely. I'm also afraid of getting involved with anyone because it hurts so much when It doesn't work out. I seemed to be the one that always does the breaking up. When I see the red flags, I still stay until it gets too hard for be and I break up. Which doesn't make sense because than I miss the person and want to go back. I somehow justify it in my head that it wasn't that bad. Sometimes I feel that maybe I'm too hard on people. I get all crazy in my head . It hurts just as much breaking up with the person instead of having it done to you. I don't know what to do. I feel like I don't want to live. I believe in God and trust him, but I feel like my life has been mostly painful and it's getting harder and harder to cope. I won't do anything stupid like hurt myself, but I wish it could be over sometimes. I hate seeing people that I care so much for hurt themselves and I hate hurting. I hate this diease so much. I want to make contact with this person, but my friend is urging me not to because she knows and is right that it will only cause more pain.
Thanks for letting me go on
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With God all things are possible. God Bless all of you
Sharon, don't worry this will pass, you will recover & get well & you will learn. No one can take your pain from you, it's yours to heal & find comfort with us around you. I can offer you these 2 poems though. They're by a dear lady called Portia Nelson ~
What were you . . . ? Who were you . . .? Something in me . . . I know that. But you were like a drug. While you were near, you were like the ultimate "high." With you . . . I could split atoms, stop time . . . stay young . . . . Or I thought I could. But you only gave out small doses of yourself, enough to keep me coming back. And I could never be sure when you would be available again. Soooo . . . the inevitable crash . . . withdrawal! I won't break windows, kill, or steal for a "fix" . . . but sometimes I feel I might die for need of you.
In those moments of despair . . . when I don't really care whether or not I survive, then, am I most keenly aware of the certainty that I will. That's the pain of it . . . and the miracle.
Peace be with you & remember it's the darkest hour ...right before it goes pitchblack! Don't worry, I hope you can find some humour to lighten your day with. You're here & you're in good company. Stay strong like you are, Danielle xx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
