you know there was a time when i would walk up to the devil himself and ask for a match...i went from that to being trapped in my apartment breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought of going out to get some food. which one was the reality? somewhere in between...the first one was that false bravado from my crazy active addiction life where truly death had his had on my shoulder and i got to the i dont care place. the next was facing my "true" feelings when i sobered up and wasnt medicated to hide the emotions anymore. to live in an emotional truth is hard work for me....i spent literally all my youth being trained to ignore it and took the lesson much farther on my own..with the help of a variety of therapists, and the door that recovery opened for me to spirituality i do my best to be honest about how i "feel" and take care of myself like i do matter. this is taking way longer than i thought it would! when i first came in i didnt know i had so much work to do! that would be denial.....! (what..who me?..nooooo) anyways. it is getting better all the time, life has a deep richness i would never in my wildest dreams have imagined. it is like "magic" and the more i heal the beauty of it all renders me speechless. love u guys, have a great 24
Thank you for the post, Cindy. Fear can sure be paralyzing, but walking through it does so much for our faith in ourselves. Still, after all these years, I find myself hesitating to take emotional risks of any sort, yknow, putting my self and my feelings "out there" for others to see. Something inside calls it weakness, but I know better. Just knowing the truth helps. But every time I take that risk, face those fears, I'm better for it. It makes me more capable to deal with them as they come up, with the help of my Higher Power. Thanks so much for the honest share. Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Am still riddled with hundreds of forms of fear but not as many as when I first came into recovery.
They told me to deal with my fears *First Things First* and talk immediately with someone about them as they surface.
At first they seem silly and do not appear to be fears at all:
- Saying no. - Drawing boundaries. - Not feeling responsible for the feelings of others after drawing a boundary. - Going to a restaurant and eating a meal all by myself. - Not allowing the boss to shave my pay every week for no reason.
It seems that all my fears control me when I want to control outcomes. For example..
I was becoming disturbed at a grubby employer because he was ripping me off every week. I was too scared to take action because I did not want to lose my job.
Then one day, a friend in sobriety asked me .. "What is the very best thing that I could do for me?"
The answer? Take action and dob the boss in.
I was trying to *control* the situation by not doing what is best for me.
I got fired and then two weeks later, out of the blue, I got a phone call with a job offer that paid me double what I was getting with the 'grub' employer.
It seems that everything *always* works out in the end if I can do what is best for me regardless of the short term consequences. If I do what is best for me, it is also the best for everybody else involved.
I shared regarding my fears in a meeting tonight. I was so embarressed about myself, about everything that had happened to me & about the decisions I'd made since based in the knowledge I had at the time. I shared that I was scared regarding recovery & if I could succeed in time before getting found out & sacked! I was simply, generally ashamed of myself, my self-centrednes & my self-pity. I was able to say kind things about myself also & be positive about the future but it felt so good to be able to have courage to say these things & trust the group. I was scared of becoming lost & floundering. I was scared of not being relevant. I was scared of not having an illness or an answer & that all of my problems were my fault. A member told me that my share was pure alcoholism & that everyone had been & was going through the same process. Obviously, we're all individuals but to find such similarities & hope gave me a deep sense of reassurance & hope for myself too. What a healing bunch you all are. Thanks for helping me to not only stay sober but to make sense of what can have been a mockery of life in many ways. We find joy from the pain & ultimately a positivity about surviving & thriving & through the successes of staying sober. For anyone who still struggles, hang in there, keep coming back & for God's sake share how you feel because it really does help. Thanks everyone! Ta Cindy x Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I am trying to do what it says in the Big Book, with the belief that they knew what they are talking about. Fear for me, especially fear of financial insecurity has been a problem. I have worked the 12 steps and this recurring fear still tries to crop up in my life. The way to overcome it is to ask God in prayer to take it away. The results of this simple request applied to fear bears witness to my relationship to God. Every time fear attacks me I go to God and the absence of the fear feeling lets me know emphatically that there are some prayers that God responds to immediately. This is great for my self-esteem, to realize that I am walking with God.
I've not learned to walk with God just yet. Still new in recovery & I'm only even recently coming to my own understanding of what God can 'mean for me'. I've practiced my Step3 with my Sponsor & done some on my own but it's still only seeping through & I forget to hand over my troubles to the care of God everyday. I think I'm feeling a little too self-centred at the moment & paranoia sneaks in. I'm sure this will pass. I have to do my Step4 & then maybe I'll find some consistant peace & forgiveness as the following Steps develop. Thanks for posting Eddy nice to meet you. Keep coming back! Danielle
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
