Wow, went all day and didn't realize I've got 7 months until we went to a meeting tonight and they were asking who had birthdays lol my ex remembered before I did, he sent me an email congratulating me on it tonight... Up here you're s'posed to give a "speech" when it's your birthday... they asked me how I've done it... and I'm like "One day at a time" lol It was just one of those nights... didn't feel like talkin much, didn't share on the topic either... it was on the 3rd step... which I had been working on before I moved... and I realized recently... I haven't been praying... up until I found out my little brother's having some problems... I prayed for him the other night after I talked to him... and that's the first I've prayed since I moved here in January...
It's funny, you know how a lot of people only pray when things are bad, and not when things are going good? Well that's what I've been doing... but a lot of times, I don't pray when things are bad... like I guess I get mad at God or something and I don't want to pray or ask for help... and then when things were ok I actually would pray then and thank God... during the decisions to split up and to move out here, I prayed all the time, I tried to leave it all in God's hands... and I got out here... and things haven't *all* been great... there've been some rough times, 'specially going off my meds.... but I just haven't thought to pray during good OR bad times... I haven't even been thanking God at the end of the day for keeping me sober, or asking Him at the beginning of the day to keep me sober... I really need to work on my relationship with God right now...
My boyfriend asked me tonight how my sobriety's going... and I told him it was ok, 'cept for the not praying... he asked if I think about drinking or if I worry about relapsing or anything... and really I don't... I haven't had a thought of drinking in I dunno how long, I think since I was about 2 months sober... It just doesn't even cross my mind... and as far as worrying about what if I were to relapse... I don't think about it, he says he did early in sobriety... but... the most I think about it, is the thought that I'm scared to death of ever drinking again, and that fear keeps me sober... I can sit there and talk about drinking with someone, talk about different kinds of drinks, what was my preference, whatever, but it doesn't make me want to drink... I don't miss it at all...
My nerves have been a little shot lately... my little brother is going down the path I've gone down... I can see him as an alcoholic in the making... he's only 12... he's depressed, anxiety... he fakes it, pretends everything's fine, Mom thinks he's fine... he's opened up to me some, I told him he doesn't have to fake it with me... he's cutting himself too... same thing I went through... I knew from the time he was little, I just knew he'd go through all this, our family's so disfunctional that it couldn't be helped... I wish I could be there with him, I hate that I'm 12 hours away now... but even if I was there I couldn't do anything for him... he was in counseling for awhile... and pretended it helped so he could stop going... he knew he couldn't be honest in counseling cuz the counselor would tell Mom everything... just like me when they put me in counseling at that age... I just worry about him so much, he's not telling me everything, I'm having to read between the lines... *sigh* I wanna bring him out to this ole farm this summer, give him a break from his adopted dad or somethin... but my mom has a problem with my being here, and a problem with alcoholics... there's no way she'd let him come out here...
