This is very much a posting from the heart. My soul is now bare & ready to be fulfilled from the inside out with God as my source & the goodness & wisdom of my fellows for inspiration. I've been keeping up with people's stories & messages here for a few weeks & been gaining strength from knowing what is here is very much as I find in meetings, group & sponsored, & with fellowship in general, particularly with my same~sex bonds. I have just recently come out of a fifteen month long co-dependent relationship. We were living in separate countries for the last eight which is perhaps why it took such time to reach this point but we reached a point where we couldn't try any further. Resentments & disappointments were an accumulating bane & in the end neither of us could grow together. I have a few months on him with regards to recovery & this showed though is by no means an attempt to blame him. Nevertheless, loving & being with an addict became impossible. My own dependency became a glaring factor though I had high hopes of overcoming this within the relationship. I can now admit that this was a contradiction in terms. I was always counting on our little successes in working things out as something that restored my bliss. This was practically equal to taking a drink as far as swallowing upon old emotions & eventually I've realised that this was an unhealthy hit & meant I couldn't deal with my feelings on my own terms. Deepdown I was always looking to him for validation. Always seeking to be made real because we'd come to some mutual understandings. This now appears to me to have been a false premise. Our relationship has not been a waste. We both brought each other to recovery though now my own personal recovery means having to be independent of him. Since breaking up slowly & less than two weeks ago, he has already moved on to courting with someone else. It's not for me to judge his programme but this is something he's always done (as I did) & he has been able to leave me because he has another prospect. I feel cheated by this but at the same time I know that I am learning the things I need to know & am ready for. Namely that I cannot depend on another person for security. I have to find solice & sanctuary for myself yet not alone. I can reach out for help here & from all the places I've written above but ultimately it simply comes down to me. I don't need to cry out for help from one other person who can seem to be 'the answer to all my problems'. Yet again, I find myself humbled to my knees yet knowing I can find strength here because I am loved, loveable & loving. The God of my understanding loves me & from inside here I'm beginning to know that this is the path to all other loves. My own self~worth & inner~ability to feel fulfillment because I'm not alone. And not because I'm not alone because I have 'a relationship', that was too much to ask of any individual, but because I'm on my own & can provide for me from inside. Not alone yet al one. I miss my friend, the one I fell in love with, yet now I know that in order find & be capable of the kind of love I deserve with a partner, first has to come from a genuine love & care for myself. Herein is a compassion & humility I feel can give me everything I need so that I can be of true & good service to others. I'm sorry things 'didn't work out' but I had to experience this in order to learn what I now know. Thanks for listening to me & being here for me to talk to. I'm going to allow myself to grieve naturally for the passing of this & the pain it incurred. They say pain is simply weakness leaving the body. I now know how to cry for myself tears as a real reflection of how I'm feeling as I feel it. I don't have to swallow pain any more or cover it by 'making it better' with someone else. I'm accountable for my own responses to things & I'm learning what this means. I don't need to depend on any one thing when there is a power greater than all of us & even with our collective being a power greater than me. Thanks for being here MIP you've helped me so much. It's good to share with you. Thank~you. Yours in Recovery Danielle xxx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Wow, Danielle, it sounds like you're really tapping some deep wells of strength right now. I'm glad you came here to share how you are doing and what you are doing to better/strengthen yourself. Keep coming back to post. Laura
I can really relate to your share, as I went through some kind of similar things on my recovery journey. I have had to let go of looking to other humans for my validation,, and I look to God (of my undestanding), and I find that God created me, loves me, guides me. I am His child. That is the ultimate validation, and has become my center also. In this center I have perspectives on other weak and confused humans like myself.
Thanks very much for that great share that shows a lot of growth and wisdom,, e,s&h.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Hi Danielle. It sounds as though you've been going through a bit of heartbreak with a couple of loves. One, the alcohol. and two, the partner. That's kind of a hard hit to take in a short period but it sounds as though you're really on the right path with you're thoughts. garner your strength from your higher power and keep your sights set on a beautiful future....one day at a time. And the love? Remember that your joy can run only as deep as your sorrow has carved. Good fortune!...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Thanks for the returned care Laura, Amanda & Tim xxx I'm allowing my commitment inside of AA to grow & help me learn how to be strong from the inside out. They say no human power could restore us & I like that as the concept removes the pressure so that we can remain in the seat of accountability without blame. A Higher Power is an extroadinary & quite unexplainable or indefinable phenomena. It serves to keep us humble so that we can be responsible yet without the worry of control. Thanks for your words of love & hope. I'm getting to know myself in new ways without having to be defined by the man I'm with or without. I'm happy to learn who I am alone so that I can share that with who I'm ready for, some time in the future. One Day at a Time. Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
