I've put a few post up in regards to my relationship with my son month's ago and got some great feed back also talked to my sponser and others.
I've learned not to be judgemental and well learned not to react to certain things, as thought in the program and well just in general, you can't help those whom don't want to help them selves.
Pray that each and every day for growth and spiritual guidance as a parent and a individual. My son has made some progress and managed to stay away from meth. But still continues with other undesirable pathes that he's got to work it out for himself. I've let him make choices and some were hard for him and others came easier to change, he made that suited him.
Well i told him last nite he was on his way back out the door again, and no change of gettin back in. he still got some bad habits that just isn't tolerable and I'm no longer putting up with it. Either put up or shut up, is what it's down too.
He was shocked to hear me say this to him but it had to be said, told him he was being self centred and that had to stop, I asked him a question last nite and the question was:
When I kicked him out the first time, he managed to hold down a job, did he think it was gonna change when I allowed him to move back? Then again he had no choice, now I left the ball in his court and he's got 3 weeks to straighten up or out he goes. He's still got habits that are hard to break and is still young and I'm still gonna love him no matter what, and expressed this to him quite a few times.
Don't get me wrong, our relationship has turned out to be alot better, rather than yellin and screamin at each other, we discuss things through and sometimes I can feel myself wanting to explode and than the serenity prayer comes into play and well self control. Which sometimes is hard to do, I find myself walkin away from it, until things cool down
Well guess I've babbled a little to much for this posting, thanks for lettin me share.
Some people do babble, and some do pointlessly and uselessly vent from a pity pot. I've learned to ignore that. Yours was an honest sharing with us, and I appreciate it. Thanks for sharing. The situation reminds me of my son, and the absence of a good role modeling father had some to do with it. Before I began recovery I did was was done in my family, argued, yelled, fought, demanded, and got nowhere. After beginning recovery I learned some better communication and coping skills, and I started to learn the 'difference' between things I can't change and things I can. It comes down to supporting good efforts, and not supporting bs schtick. Like you, I tell my son, and he really knows now, that it is because I love him, and because I care, that I support good efforts, and that I object to negative and destructive stuff. If I didn't care about his well-being, then I wouldn't care what he did or didn't do.
Now,, the hard part is, that as alcoholics, we have passed on some stuff, In my family it is 4 generations, that I know of, of alcoholism and dysfunctional behavior. Once we have taught our children this dysfunction, we can't wonder why they are reflecting it. And the hardest part is that when we get into recovery that doesn't guarantee that they will also go into recovery and do what we think they should. But it sounds like you are making progress, both of you. And with my son and I,,, it was a hard row to hoe,, and long.
Keep up the good work! Keep on with the recovery journey! And keep on sharing the message with those closest to you! A Step at a time, and a day at a time,,, for both of you. Positive reinforcement for the good things he does, and the progress made, and encouragement for the things that seem impossible at the moment, trusting in our Higher Power.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Tina, it sounds like you're doing a good job right now. It's tough being hard and straight with one's children. I have none (yet), but I'm an aunt and have been a nanny in the past (I didn't have a drinking problem at that time), so I have a little understanding how difficult it can be to address bad behavior and not simply make everything "OK." Anyway, I just wanted to post some words of support. Take care, Laura
I know your situation..and I also know its difficult...and that it has been for some time..
This is a small town...and in the business that Im in..one gets to know whats going on, on the dark side..
I'll sum it up with one line..
I used to tell my Mother...what I thought that she wanted to hear...to keep her off my back..at any time that I had to do so.....and that was the story...into my early thirties..
I have a son...that I kept hoping would GET IT...He Didnt
When I kicked him out permanantly....and the Police Chief threatened him with jail....things changed...
He also knew me like a book, prior to that...and knew that I wouldnt see him out in the street..
So...it was a see saw battle between enabling....and completely detatching...
And I almost made myself looney toons while going through it...Finally had to make a decision, and stick by it...
Your son is into some heavy shit...and dealing with some heavy people...
He doesnt want help...
Its easy money.
Let Go....and let him go through what he has got to go through...
Thats my reality share fort the day....
Good luck with it....and take care of number one hu....Youve got my number...
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Well Just wanted to say thanks to all of you for listening.
Phil thanks, for the imput, thats is where I'm at with this situation is lettin and detachin myself. I have spoke with someone whom has well understood my situation and well agrees with me.
I do realize things happen for a reason and well stickin to my decisions and lettin go and lettin god handle the rest.
Thanks for the offer Phil I'll keep in mind.
I also said to this friend that if anything goes down and he's involve that I'm not heald responsible for, and know that in won't affect my daughter and me. I trust this persons opinions and well thankful the he is there for support.
As parents we do what we can with the tools and the best of our abilities to raise our children to become responisible adults. Its upto them when they become at a certain age to take responsibility to their actions. In hopes that they maintain a positive roll in their lives.
Tina, As harsh as it sounds, sometimes, the so called toughest route turns out to be the best. I would take Phil's advice. I stood by and watched my sister-in-law abuse drugs and alcohol. She is now in a state facility for driving under the influence of alcohol and marijuanna, that resulted in a fatality. My brother bailed her out of DUI's in the past and the result was the continuance. As their children grew they became more and more aware of the use. The result...... they handled it all by using and drinking themselves. Nephew just released Feb. 1st from a 4 month program. Niece prosecuted for possession of paraphenia. And the one who has paid the most........my brother. It has cost emotionally financially ect ect. As have I in my own personal situation. We CAN'T DO IT FOR THEM. And as hard as it may seem from the standpoint of a parent, this is something AA teaches us. We CAN love them and part of love is allowing those closest to us to make their own choices and PRAY that they find their way out of the "fog". It may take many "falls". Have faith and let God. The greatest miracles usually come from the deepest suffering. I use to think, that because I didn't drink or do this or do that went to Church ect. that I was sort of immuned from suffering. Was somewhat judgemental about others ect. I got knocked right off "my" mountain (the ego got a rude awakening). The pain seemed so insurmountable.........yet out of it humility was born, more compassion, and a slew of other blessings. Was it desired? Has it been easy to go through? Hell........ no. It was the HELL that was succomed to........it is the Heavens that are now thought of. Love the sinner.......hate the sin. It sounds like you are doing that. Will keep you in my prayers.
That's exactly where I'm at, and well. I must say things will be difficult, I know deep down it's exactly he needs. He's using every tool in the book and excuses, but mama ain't playin it no more
so we well see what happens, and keeping him in my prayers and he is loved.
