So, today it's been 14 days since I last had alcohol. I know that I don't know what the future holds for me and alcohol. All I can do is concentrate on today and, more specifically, this hour. I'm beginning to understand the "let go and let God" feeling--just beginning to.
Today I had a weak moment. I felt a quiet anger stirring in me, whispering failures and the creeping shadow of despondence. It's there in my system taking cat naps--I don't think it's ever really gone. I like it best when I have the time to process and deal with those feelings and thoughts but it's difficult with so much on plate . . . which happens to be part of the problem. (I liked Carol's posting the other day about learning how to say "no." Oh my, I've really got to do that). Anyway, someone I live with bought a huge case of beer yesterday. I didn't touch it and only felt flickering thirst pains that were quickly squelched with a diversion of my attention and a tall cold glass of coca cola. This person later made margaritas and while I really didn't feel like drinking there was this other creature in me (I imagine it as a him and a little red dragon) wanting it. I told it no and went about my business. Tonight, I felt the familiar tug of dissatisfaction with my life, my procrastinations, my accomplishments, my slow progression toward goals and this other person comes into the kitchen with a nice tall cold Beck's.
Oi!!!! I grabbed my wallet and left the house (and the fridge stocked with alcohol) quickly. My first thought was to go to the store buy a coca cola and some ice cream, but then I found myself just walking. I went to a park and sat in a cool breeze and just sat and sat and let my mind wonder and release. Then I went to the store and bought the sugar and caffeine snacks. The moment of ugly desire passed. I have to admit remembering the headaches from withdrawal (today is the first day without a cluster headache) kind of helps me resist drinking.
My anger and disatisfaction is still there but I'm feeling a heck of a lot better than I would have if I had succumbed to the craving for alcohol. I'm more capable of dealing with my issues with a clear head the feeling of a small victory. I need to remember just how much more I've been accomplishing these past two weeks compared to before, even if I have days in which I'm not very productive because of depression and/or my need to do whatever it takes to resist drinking alcohol.
Thanks for being here for me to post my experiences and feel heard. I know most of you believe in the power of meetings--I believe in what you have shared regarding them. Please bear wtih me. I'm a slow mover. On the upside, I'm usually a steady mover.
Good for you! Getting through the stumbling blocks. Is the person you are referring to also alcoholic? Thanks for the thanks for our support, the difference between this and a local face2face group is that they can be even more supportive than we can. Have you gotten any AA literature, and begun the 12 Steps yet?
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Hi Amanda, In answer to your questions: I've started reading the Big Book and the person I was referring to does drink a lot. There are others in the house that drink but not at all on an alcoholic level. And there are two who don't drink all. There is always alcohol in the house. This is really the only draw back to living here--otherwise it's a great place with wonderful people. It's just making it a little harder to give up the alcohol than if I were to live in a house without any alcohol. Thankfully, there is one individual who is very supportive of my efforts. When the others drink--whether it's one glass of wine with dinner or a few beers--I just leave the house or the area. Thank you for the reply, Amanda.
I used to share a house with a group of people who drank and usually had a fairly diverse stock of liquor in the fridge, I wouldn't make a judgement as to whether or not they were all alcoholics, the one who bought the most liquor was actually definately not, in my opinion, as he was more concerned with what the drinks looked like and their presentation than actually drinking them.
It was definately a challenge occasionally, but for the most part, I just looked at it like if the liquor's there, or if it's not there, if i decided that I wanted to drink, I could get it somewhere. If it's in the fridge, it's not mine, and I'm not going to let it's presence tempt or taunt me in any way, I made a decision and I was sticking to it.
Also since everyone in the house knew I didn't drink, I usually got stuck bouncing for any parties that would take place there... which inadvertantly satisfied my control freak nature
First, you did GOOD. Number one rule "don't drink, even if your ass falls off".
2nd, it's not up to you to try to figure out if others are alcoholics, only they can decide that. Nor is that something you need to even concern yourself with at this point. (Sorry, but I must say I couldn't believe a practicing AA member would even ask that! )
And 3rd, it's gonna get tougher, girl. If there's anyway possible for you to change your living arrangements, I'd highly recommend it......I have yet to be able to be around someone drinking. I just can't do it. I've heard some share they have 20+ yrs of sobriety and won't be around anyone having a drink and I've heard others share that after only a short time of sobriety being around alcohol didn't bother them (I personally call BS on that one, but who am I to judge....). For me, I'm an alcoholic, I will always be an alcoholic, therefore I choose early on to change my playground and my playmates....... Keep coming back.....I'm proud of ya!
Jen
-- Edited by Doll at 17:45, 2007-02-27
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
My environment at the end of my drinking, where and how I lived was both a product of AND conducent to my drinking. In my case, drinking is what I lived for. To remember however well I'm doing that I am still largely a product of my alcoholism is a quick way to take the wind out of my own ideas about how things outta go. I saw what my way got me, and still does, in no uncertain terms. People places and things may be cliche, but it is definately among the things one would do well to heed whether they understand the wisdom yet or not.
I have had a few sometimes suprisingly frank and honest conversations with folks, prying into their drinking a little. Lot of knuckleheads just like me come and go, roofing is work not many with any sense would do for a paycheck anyway. It is usually apparent if the door is shut to any approach, but I feel if I see clear about something, any discomfort on my part is no excuse for not carrying and delivering some small part of the message.
Even made a couple friends here and there, not sure what to do with 'em, I don't even much care for my own company. So I just let it 'be', and a few folks here and there know they have someone who has been there, who they could seek out if it ever came down to it.
Thank you Cynthia, Jen, and Ryan for your replies and thoughts. For now, I'm going to stay in the house because financially it's what I can afford and the people are wonderful and open. If and when I do tell them I'm an alcoholic :) I'm sure at least three of them will not be surprised. The only reason why I'm not discussing it with them yet is that I don't want to be all talk and rely on them to be my watchdogs. I gotta take responsability for this. It's good to hear, Cynthia, that you were able to live with people who drank (whatever the amount . . . that's kind of arbitrary for me right now) and threw parties and still you remained sober. The fact is, my friends like to drink and I don't see the harm in it (for them) and I don't want them to change for me (and I don't think they would anyway). So, I want to make this work. I will have a new living arrangement opportunity in four or five months that will enable me to have my own place, so I'm going to stick it out until then. On top of an alcohol-free fridge the freedom of space and solitude are much to look forward to. Thanks again for letting me know you guys are out there and for your words of encouragement and insight. Laura
Great attitude Laura! It's a good goal you're working toward. I just came back from a wonderful vacation and on the way home Michelle and I stopped to visit my nephew (he's 39 and not only my blood , but a great friend also). After dinner at our hotel the lady went to our room and left Ryan (nephew) and I to talk for a while. We had no place to go but the bar. I got a cringe for a second because I hadn't been in one in ages. I found it was nothing to worry about (for me, and I'm not recommending this at all) as I found that I was just into the conversing. Pretty much the same as when I did drink, only the conversation was a good deal more real and interesting with just a glass of water than with alcohol. I saw how much I didn't need or want it as part of the interaction and it was a great feeling. I think there's a point we all get to when we know that we can get along much better without the crutch of drinking and the nasty baggage it carries with it. I believe you're seeing this. You don't need it. It is no longer a part of your life. Keep up the good work...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Thanks Tim--I'm still just on that first baby step, 'though. Thanks for sharing the story about you and your nephew. It's wonderful you were able to just enjoy the conversation in such an atmosphere. Don't worry, I know I won't be doing that--holding a conversation in a bar or club--but still, it's good to be reminded that in the future situations will be presented to me in which I can redefine my ability to remain an alcohol-free person. That is, although today I need to leave the space in which the friends are drinking in (however benign their drinking), in the future perhaps I'll be able to remain (and remain without drinking and being consumed with the focus of not drinking). -Laura
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