Codependency occurs when a capable adult relinquishes control of their life and their happiness to another person, believing incorrectly that their passivity is somehow going to give them what they want.
Falling in love usually starts off with a wonderful cocktail of hormones and joy juices like adrenaline, oxytocin and pheromones coursing through our system. They leave us tingling, excited and distracted from anything but the object of our desire.
If, however, we don't adjust that obsession over time to allow for reality to get a firm foothold, we can be plagued by feelings of lack of control, despair and longing. If the relationship continues, one person or the other can become lost, diminished and unable to make wise choices about asserting their rights and staying true to who they are. Codependency is an unnatural outcome.
Recognizing the signs of codependency Your emotions aren't your own: • Most of the time you are feeling extremes of hurt, anger and powerlessness or euphoria and excitement...based mostly on another person's action or inaction.
Your life is controlled by someone else: • You find yourself thinking/saying, "If only they would...then I would...." • Your centre of power is outside of you...you make decisions based on someone else's wants and desires. • Someone else's opinion carries more weight than your own. • You become disempowered and immobilized, trying to anticipate what someone else wants or will do before you move.
Your best time and energy are spent reacting rather than being proactive: • You keep thinking that you can change someone else's thoughts, feelings or behaviours.
Your self-esteem starts to diminish: • You dupe yourself into thinking that if you were prettier, smarter, asked for more, asked for less, the other person would accept and love you. • Waiting for someone else to change is changing you...you are less engaged in normal healthy activities of life and your joy juice is sapped dry!
Your life is stuck on an emotional roller coaster: • You keep hoping or fantasizing about how, one day, your life will be better. • You are held hostage by your fear of the other person's potential sadness or anger.
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
First of all--har, har, har--yeah, I keep my hand on the mouse when I read
Secondly--thanks for the great information above. Very interesting and well written. I'm thinking it must be incredibly difficult for someone recovering from alcoholism who does not have a support system but must support dependents. I'm thinking it must take a great deal of bravery and strength to resist / recover from codependency while recovering from alcoholism while supporting those dependents. But even with it's difficulties everyone deserves the beauty and excitement of standing on there own and feeling the power of directing their own life. Anyway, thanks again for the information.
Great information. Been there done that and got that t-shirt.
As a matter of fact, I threw 4 years sobriety out the window the first time over unresolved codepency issues and it wasn't pretty either!
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
"Falling in love usually starts off with a wonderful cocktail of hormones and joy juices like adrenaline, oxytocin and pheromones coursing through our system. They leave us tingling, excited and distracted from anything but the object of our desire."
the thing is that, while these joy juices are flowing, the person might swear that 'this is love', while it is really a dry drunk, another high. Like all highs we don't want to come down from it, but also like all highs, it never lasts. Sooner or later we have to let go, of the high, and of the person who is the source of the high. That is real love.
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Sometimes I think this world would be a barren, lonely place if an AA and an Alanoner recieved God's command to be fruitful and multiply. He would come back along, and find they have been fruitful in multiplying conference approved pamplets on codependancy. I don't know about yall, but I have learned some of my most powerful (and painful) lessons over falling in love. Starting with the happy fact that I was capable of it. I have also found, now that my priorities and life are in fairly decent order, the women I occasionally find a spark of mutual interest with are very likely to be a near match to the shape I'm in, far different than the 'type' I was drawn to in alcoholism. Hence the broadly suggested one-year deal, also. If you don't know up from down, at best, your probably going to click with someone in similar shape. At worst...well.
I neglected the point of this post...to point out that it is missdirected instinct which carries most of us into trouble. Past the obvious, flying against principals for well living, anything which would carry me away from God's will for me. My best interest and purpose, and that of those around me.
Amanda....re..what happens when the highs...and the honeymoon is over..
And re what Ryan posted...and yupper Tenderheart...I carried a lot of this stuff into lengthy sobriey..and it was also...not a pretty picture..in a couple of situations
A lot of it involves steps 4...6..and 7..
And the saying that "Alcohol is but a symptom of our disease..
Dont know bout you guys..but I was always one....as Ryan stated...
Attracted to those that I could identify with...ouch..and falling right back in to the shit pile...
Going with the familiar....
I even went into the rescuing others phase...and thats another story in itself.:)
Over the periods of 2005 and 2006...I had the opportunity to obtain an Addiction Councellors Certificate...and even tho...its a different hat from AA...A lot of things such as Borderline Personalities...Post Tramatic Stress Disorders...Codependency Problems..and the list goes on...
Hit me right between the eyes...
Denial...played a big part...and blame ......another part...
Anyway..Ive rambled enough....
Wishing you all a great day..
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
