So I kinda had a wake up call today... I haven't had my priorities straight at all since I moved, I'm being horribly selfish with my boyfriend, not accepting his feelings on our relationship... how he feels it's wrong because I'm still in my first year... he does want me here, he does love me, but wants to keep things backed off, take things slow, and I've been trying to rush it, as usual. And he pointed out today that I'm codependent, which I knew, and I think part of that is how I go from one relationship to another, always have, I crave love, I need to have someone in my life that loves me and shows he loves me, because I've never had that in my life except maybe the first 3 years with my ex before things went downhill. So I've been pushing things and not considering his feelings. He got upset with me today, because I didn't want to go with him to work on a property deal he's been working on... he said that shows I don't care about him, which I thought unfair for him to say that, because I do care, but I needed a day to take care of myself, I need some "me time" which I haven't gotten nearly enough of since I got here, being in this 3 room house with him all the time, neither of us hardly going out anywhere or giving each other space. It just hit me that right now I need to being putting myself, my sanity, my sobriety, first, and felt that I really needed some "me time" for a bit to get my thoughts straight, do some journaling, etc.
Meetings haven't been a priority since I got here... mainly due to the weather, my bf doesn't want to get out in 0 degree weather to drive into town, risk the car breakin down in the cold and being stranded or something... which I can understand, it'd be different if we lived in town, we could get to meetings every day. He said when he lived in town he went every day, just being out in the country on a farm, it's hard to get to them. S'posed to warm up above freezing tomorrow and we'll go and get my 6 month chip. There's been a lot going on lately that's kept us from getting into town as well. But I'm realizing I'm going to have to start mapquesting the meetings and getting to them myself if I need a meeting, I can't keep depending on my bf to get me there.
Honestly I'm doing pretty good, got off my meds, cut way down on the smoking but I keep buying more, can't bring myself to totally quit. I will though. I do read in the big book often, do a lot of journaling, and in a way my bf and I have our own meetings at home, only takes 2 to have a meeting ya know. Just I need to stop focusing on the relationship itself, and focus on myself and gettin better and getting my crap taken care of with the divorce, debt, etc. The reason in me coming out here was for me to get my life straight, not for a relationship, and I need to remind myself of that.
You sound like your on your way :) and maybe your answering your own question about the 1 year relationship thing. Sounds like your starting to figure things out... it just takes time! hang in there!
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"Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't"
