So, what exactly is so bad about going into a relationship in the first year of sobriety? I do understand the codependency/caretaker type of role that could come about being with someone with longer sobriety than I have... we're both aware of that and are trying to have more interdependence than codependence, he doesn't try to take care of me or "fix" my problems or anything, we both understand that he can't do that. I do understand the idea that when I get my year sober I will be a different person than I am now, it goes back to the codependency problem that could be there, that by a year sober I won't want someone taking care of me and he would be upset that I don't need him to take care of me. Well... if we don't let it get codependent then that issue wouldn't be there...
So what's so bad about it really? I was talking about it in a chat room I go to and they jumped all over me about it. I pointed out it is a suggestion, not a rule, and they jumped on me about that too, telling me we should follow the suggestions of the program, which I do agree with, but I don't understand why this one is such a big deal. Someone help me out here?
The people in the chat room said my boyfriend should know better, him having 13 years... and honestly, he does know better, I didn't move out here really to be with him, I moved out here cuz I didn't really have anywhere else to go, saw that I would have a good support system here, and wanted to get my life straightened out and start over, and he wants to help me get my life straight, to help push me in the right direction, give me support and encouragement. When we've moved a little too fast in our relationship, he's felt guilty and told me we had to back off... because it's not what the program suggests... *sigh* I just really don't get why it's such a big deal. I don't see how being in a relationship with him could make me relapse, like they said in the chat room... hell this crappy divorce hasn't made me relapse, how could being with someone that loves and cares about me make me relapse???
I'm no expert on relationships, but I've screwed a couple up. The one year thing just makes good sense. I'm going to borrow a phrase from some writing I'm about to post:
Making decisions through the paradigm of an active alcoholic is like trying to operate a telescope on a waterbed. You can go through all the motions and get everything set up right but when you get right down to it you dont know what you're going to be looking at.
My advice that I never have followed and have always paid dearly is to wait a year after any relationship before getting involved in another. In hindisght my relationship with alcohol seems to have been as daunting as any other relationship I've had. Truth be told that just occurred to me- the similarity between a love affair and an alcoholic's relationship with the bottle.
and nobody is more appealing to be around than someone that wants to be alone.
Atleast a year was suggested to me when it came to makeing ANY major decisions (career change, moving, investing, buying a car or even a bicycle). Reason being, I won't have a clue who I am or how I really feel until I get some soberiety time under my belt. Don't want to make any decisions that could be, once again, a mistake later......it wasn't all pertaining to relapse!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I don't think it's such a big deal too. I mean, what's the difference of already being in a relationship (marriage or longterm) and one partner gets sober or whatever.....we've all seen married couple come into the meetings and wonder how do they do it!
i have moved three times since i got sober, five months ago- started a new job - somethings can't be helped. Situations happen. i am grateful that i had my HP to lean on to help me thru those things. so far, so good...i'm trying to get out of the driver's seat, ya know?
Same w/ any relationship I get into. I would definitely have more respect for any relationship w/ someone in the program than before. I have a new understanding. I'm no expert and I'm sure i will make mistakes, but I don't think anyone is meant to be alone - in or out of the program!
Now, can i handle it? I don't know. Sometimes, i feel like there isn't room in my head. That's a personal choice. Right now, I need to take EVERYTHING slow - in order to maintain a good stable sobriety. I'm learning how to love myself for the first time in my life.
My self-esteem is at an all-time high right now. It feels great. Do I want to mess that up? Hell, no!!! I made men my higher power in the past. I know not to do that this time. My sponsor and I have discussed this extensively. I have to put the energy into the right place - where it belongs - my HP as I understand it to be.
I just take it one day at a time - it works if you work it - & i'm worth it -
Trying to live for the moment & not dream up any scenarios -
Thank you, Lisa, for bringing this subject up on this board -
It's something i have been thinking about a lot lately. Would love to hear more.
You don't pay the fiddler until the song and dance wrap up. This program also prescribes 'brutal honesty', why do you have these doubts in the first place? Why be troubled? If I know I'm right, from the very core of my being, I would not have to debate the issue, either with myself or others. I would simply act. The consciense is a wonderful and a terrible thing.
We all have big kid lessons to learn, and you two are no exeption. Some of them are not going to be pleasant. Now the deal is, is when my actions and ways get put to the test and come up lacking, will I cave in and 'drink', or will I learn my lesson and grow.
And really, who says everything will come down to a quick and roaring drunk? I puttered along on 'good' for years, only when compared to 'best' now does the shimmer reveal itself as fool's gold. A million 'good' ways, and for each of us, a profoundly narrow, challenging, and ultimately fulfilling 'best'.
I think, however it translates for each of us, this relapse deal is a deeply personal, often subconcious "Curse God and die" moment. heheh. Anotherwords, "F*^k It." We're just people, we can only take so much, the shame of it is it is all to often ourselves dishing it out.
And it is 'suggested' when you jump outta an airplane, you pull the rip cord. But no one else can do it for you. Hence, we give 'suggestions'.
Ryan, honestly it's not so much that I'm doubting it... I personally don't see what's so wrong about it, but I have people telling me it's wrong... my boyfriend included says he doesn't feel so right about it because it's not what the program suggests... so I posted just trying to understand where everyone is coming from on this.
I have also heard, and think, that it is that we are not to make ANY major changes for the first year. Moves, entering relationships, major investments, etc. You see, stopping drinking and getting 'dry' is not all there is to sobriety. When we stop drinking we find all that stinking thinking is still there, and it is this stinking thinking that gets us into trouble, bad moves, bad relationships, bad investments. Of course we can't see that at the time, because we haven't changed our thinking yet. But those who have been in the program for awhile can look back at their first year more clearly, and because they have made so many bad first year decisions, they pass down to you, as part of their 12th Step, that this is not a good time. Now,, you can either listen and heed the wisdom of the elders, or ,, like many of them did,, learn the hard way. Two years from now,,, look back on today,, and see if what you are doing and where you are actually turn out to be wisdom, or dry alcoholic stinking thinking results. Only you will really know,, and you might not know until then. Then you will be able to tell the newbies that come in, your e, s & h on the first year of recovery. Deal?
I'm not sure what it is that your boyfreind is saying. You have already moved in and have a relationship, right?
It is really not a good idea to nag you about it. But we have shared with you what we see from where we are. It is your life and your choices.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
