Ok, so the first time I came on here I was only one day sober...now I am four weeks and have been to four f2f meetings close to my place.
The first one I found bloody awful to be honest! I was SO nervous that just getting my ass in the door was like the hardest thing I have done in a very long time, if not ever... things went kind of OK but then people started saying hi and being nice to me ( dear god no) and then I just burst into tears. Exactly what I didn't want to do...but still got through it and left sobbing at the end into the night. I almost feel like if you are new to a group then they should just skip over you when it comes time to share as it's just really a bit much on top of the nerves and emotions of getting there in the first place...anyhow.
The next three meetings have been much better and although I have only shared one other time ( consisting of bursting into tears again) I am getting the hang of them and feeling more comfortable. I have to say though that for someone who was brought up very 'british stiff upper lip' the idea of showing that much emotion in front of anyone, little own a room full of strangers was pretty intense for me.
I like f2f meetings and I like the honesty in them and the fact that people are real. I have recognised a lot of people's stories as my own ( or at least some part of them) and I have a better understanding now that some of my 'personality traits' are actually very common amongst alcoholics, things like feeling worthless, insecure, people pleasing, sensitivity, inability to deal with ( or rather want to deal with) the big emotions.
Last week I felty pretty angry about the whole thing all week and for the first time since stopping I felt like I really wanted to go out and have 'a few' drinks...I think that because I always binged that four weeks wasn't that big a deal to not drink for but I am feeling that itch to have a 'big night' again now. But confident that I won't, for now anyway.
I am still not entirely convinced ( due to said binge drinking behaviour) that I am an alcoholic...well, I think I am really but I still would rather not be as I have many times when I can enjoy alcohol with dinner etc, working in the entertainment industry there is nothing like a few glasses of bubbly at a work event or night out, and yes, I miss that a lot.
Not really sure what the point of this is but thought I'd just get it out there.
I have been reading everyone's shares with interest and it's good to hear some of the questions that I have, answered.
Thanks for listening and any advice on how to get over the 'god life is really a bit crap and dull going to an AA meeting on Friday nights and then sitting over my sparkling water at a glitzy event...'
Sorry if that sounds very self centred... I know there are lots of really bigger issues in the world than having a good time... just I have lived most of my life chasing a good night out and it's hard to take that back a peg.
Step 1 is the first step to freedom. I admit to myself that something is seriously wrong in my life. I have created messes in my life. Perhaps my whole life is a mess, or maybe just important parts are a mess. I admit this and quit trying to play games with myself anymore. I realize that my life has become unmanageable in many ways. It is not under my control anymore. I do things that I later regret doing and tell myself that I will not do them again. But I do. I keep on doing them, in spite of my regrets, my denials, my vows, my cover-ups and my facades. The addiction has become bigger than I am. The first step is to admit the truth of where I am, that I am really powerless over this addiction and that I need help.
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Hey Sally I totally empathize with the "British stiff upper lip" comment. I'm someone who is the guy who fixes things- the glue that holds everybody together in a time of crisis- and I'd never ask for help and (prior to aa) in life have been very selective about who I do and dont let get close to me.
That's a tough one. I think I struggled with committing and just going to AA for over two years, so good for you for doing it. My two years of struggling really was two years wasted, and when I finally went I felt a little bit of anticlimax because it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd made it out in my head.
Congratulations on the four weeks Sally! That's a great start. And yeah, it may seem a bit "different" at first being sober at times when you normally would not. When you get through that time period, being sober becomes the only way you want to be duriing them. Good fortune and keep it up (not the stiff lip, but the attitude!) Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Well done on four weeks!!! That's a great achievement.
As a Brit, I know exactly about the 'stiff upper lip' comment. But, I am getting so used to all sorts of emotions coming out in meetings from all sorts of people.
I had problems at first with not drinking when I thought that other people were. But, I kept reminding myself that this is just one day at a time. It works for me.
For me, the God side of AA stood for Group Of Drunks for a long time. I knew that going to meetings would keep me sober when I wasn't able to do it on my own.
Please keep posting and letting us know how it is going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
