I dug up my anniversary writings - my log that I wrote in on my sobriety date for my first few years.  I was kind of surprised to discover that it stopped when it did.... after 6 years.  I have probably looked at it since then, but not added to it.

My first year was pretty exhuberant writing I guess.  Aside from being a recap of my last night of drinking.  Which was extremely uneventful and not much different from a thousand other drunks before it.  My bottom wasn't a fall so much as a rut that just kept growing deeper.  And then my writing ends with a recap of how many beers I would have drank over that year, and how much money I saved by not buying the beer...LOL.  I didn't save squat, I spent it on other stuff!

Then it seems like the next years after that mostly chronicle the ups and downs of my marriage until it finally went down and stayed down.  And when my daughter got sober and came back into my life, that is when the writings actually stopped.  Interesting coincidence there.

One reason I haven't written anything is because there has just been a steady progress since... no huge upheavals.  Plus, I have other outlets for writing that I didn't have before... other activities, etc.  But when I look at those writings, they chronicle stuff that I otherwise wouldn't remember - such as the fact that on the night of my last drunk, I had decided to "organize" my basement.  And that on my 1 year anniversary, everything in the basement was exactly where I left it - other than the empty beer cans which I disposed of.  Amazing how priorities change.

Since then I've moved twice, and carried many, many, many *tons* to the curb, but I still have yet to "organize my basement" LOL...  but another 12-step saying kicks in: "How important is it really?"   When I die, somebody will have to go sort out all my stuff anyway....  since (at least as far as I know) I can't take it with me.

During my first year, I used to frequently think to myself, "I wasn't that bad... I could have kept on drinking a couple more years".  Now I look back on it, and yeah... I sure could have kept on drinking... kept right on, right up to now... and I can't even fathom what kind of shape I'd be in, or what kind of life I'd have (assuming alive at all) if I had kept up.  Things happen when they're supposed to... that day in February, when I didn't know it was my last drink (so far)...

Those promises:  "Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us".  Economic insecurity hasn't left, but the fear of it has mostly left.  I enter into another weekend between paychecks with a $20 in my wallet and a $0 in my bank account.  The little extra that was supposed to come thru today didn't...  BFD.  I have been in this place so many times, I have lost count.  I find myself irritable and discontent, and then realize it's just because of that zero (or negative) balance.  That's *it*.  BFD.  It has very little effect on how I'll enjoy my weekend. 

The other promise I like: "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us".  When I first heard that, I think it was the promise I wanted the most.  I handled all kinds of things... the wrong way.  My handling usually led to more problems.  I was certainly baffled.  If there is any one attribute I can place on this promise, it's that handling those situations very, very often means NOT handling them!  The vast majority of things I worry about are things I'm powerless over - which means that nothing I can do or say will make a difference.  And that doing and saying will only make ME more miserable.  There's an awful lot of stuff that just needs to go on by.  Intuitively knowing how to handle... hasn't imparted me with any great knowledge, wisdom, or genius.  Just the ability to occasionally shut the hell up and/or stay the hell out of stuff that's not my business!

Amazing.

Another year...

Barisax