So I've been in Nebraska 2 weeks and have only made it to one meeting... things have been so busy since I got here, and we have to go into town to get to meetings... my boyfriend says it's hard to get to many meetings living out here on a farm. Hopefully I can get to one soon, I really need to get a sponsor out here, I don't want my sponsor back home to think I'm just screwing around and choosing to not go to meetings. She always told me I need to get to at least 3 meetings a week, and I need to be trying to do that. Once I learn my way around town it will be easier, but I have no idea how to get anywhere here outside of this small town I'm in. I know where the coffeeshop is and the gas station, and our friend's vet clinic and that's it.
I went off one of my bipolar meds, took me about a week to get over the effects of going off of it, wasn't sleeping too good, having to take lots of naps and get lots of rest, but I'm doing great now that it's out of my system. I'm still on 2 bipolar meds and will stop them when I run out.
My ex husband is being a total jerk, even having his new girlfriend email me all kinds of crap, putting me down, putting my boyfriend down, telling me they ought to burn my stuff that's still at my ex's apartment. I'm saving all the emails to show to my lawyer. We were going to try to keep this whole thing friendly, but he's really screwing it up and I don't want to deal with him anymore. I'll just be glad when this is all over. One day at a time, I'll get through it.
It's good to know how things are going for you. I'm sorry that you're finding it hard to get to a meeting. I wonder if you could try a few on-line meetings. I know that they're not the same as a proper meeting, but I'm sure that they could help.
Please stay strong and keep taking it one day at a time.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Lisa, you had folks and family in Memphis. Crappy relationship or not, still your folks. You had meetings. You had your pastor. You were sober long enough to begin to recognize the importance of this structure. And some difficulty, and then you run off to move in with this fellow you don't -really- know. With nothing. How many times has can't pay my electric bill or whatever been my excuse to hop a bus and run again. I could craft as good a reason to get my way as I needed to.
And how now these same difficulties begin to instruct us in faith and life as we meet and walk through them successfully, where we had not before, and start growing.
And I'll sure as hell do a little judging here, you put principle before personality and judge a thing by it's fruit. The fruit of your dealings with this fellow is that you are seperated like a sheep from a flock in the woods with a wolf. Who had sheep's clothing on. Now he's slowly taking them off, slowly, you aren't psychologically starved off and seperated from the people who love you. YET.
No principled man would meet a fresh sober, vulnerable girl on the internet, remove her from her family, friends, church, and in your case AA group, and move her in with him out of wedlock.
I don't believe for one minute your pastor and your home group signed on to this, no one with your best interests at heart would have dreamed of it. Your pastor would have acted the shepard he was called to be, your group would have pointed out the same things I'm telling you out of their experience, strength and hope.
I'll say this, we both have more than a fundamental agreement on God, we've talked before, you are flouting the very principles you claim to uphold. God's will for us is always within His ways, how could this be good when from the very beginning of the thing it flouts everything we stand for? And now you are here, bringing us the trouble which would be worked out internally in any decent, open, Godly relationship.
If a plant is a weed when it sprouts, can you say you are going to have a tomato sandwich when it's grown? What is this going to be when it's grown? Wake up and GO HOME.
Honestly Ryan, I'm doing better out here than I was back home. Yes, I need to get to more meetings, did make it to one tonight and will hopefully get to one tomorrow. I'm happy out here, just under some stress with my ex, but handling things fine. I have a great support system here between my boyfriend and his friends he's introduced me to. Yes, I had *some* support back in Memphis, but not much outside of my homegroup. I'm realizing a lot of things about myself and other things since I've been out here, this has been a real eye opening experience for me. And I really feel like I can do something with myself here, that I can "get better" learn how to live life on life's terms... Getting away from my ex is the best thing I've done for myself, and in this new situation, I'm already starting to do better in a lot of ways, getting a handle on my life for once. I'm already gaining a little bit of self-confidence and I've got great people here who pull me up when I'm down.
As for whether this is a godly thing, I'll admit living with my boyfriend isn't a godly thing, but I didn't have a lot of choice for one thing, and in a lot of ways I feel this is good for me, it may not be the *right* thing, but it still feels like it's a good thing. Maybe I'm way off there, I don't know. I'm trying to do what's best for me right now, and maybe what I'm doing isn't quite right, but it's what I feel I need to do.
Well, Ryan doesn't mince words, does he? Sometimes that's good, and sometimes rough on the edges, but, you can see he cares about you, is concerned, and wants what is good for you. I hve to basically agree with him here. There are yellow flags all over the place. About going off your meds - that's another yelllow flag. Do you have a doctor over there that is supervising your meds? or you are going off them because you don't have any?
lisa, I got into a relationship that was not online, but with someone I did not know well, and went to a place that was far and isolated. People warned me, but I had reasons. It was a good thing that ,,,, they let me know, that if I ever needed help,,, they were there for me,,, because it did end up that I needed a lifeline to get out of there.
If you need to get away from your ex, there are other ways to 'detach' than a geographical change, and it looks like you are not free of them yet anyway.
Well, so,, giving advice is against our principles. I can't tell you to go home, or stay, or what,, but,, THINK , and review Step 11.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I don't mean to derail this discussion and get branded a heretic in the process but laying all of this guilt on about living together is a bit much. Of the rest, I don't really know- I have my opinions but they have to do with how I have to live, not how anyone else has to live.
Take this for what it's worth. I am not any more a christian than I am a buddhist or a Taoist- those are the three religions which I've read a lot of the texts of, because those are the three I most identify with.
The subject of marriage comes up in various places throughout the old and new testaments and (more specifically) in Corinthians and Leviticus in the old testament and some in Proverbs, Hebrews, Timothy, Matthew, and Thessalonians in the new Testament (from what I've read of it- I haven't ever actually completed reading the bible- I tend to spend a lot of time looking stuff up.) Everything in the bible that I have read about marriage was so vaguely worded in such a way that it could be pretty much subject to interpretation. There was a lot to do with prostitution, incest and adultry. And in every reference source I've ever seen "adultry" has been defined as "voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse". I don't know the details but the original post up there says "ex-husband". <shrug icon here>
On top of that, the bible also says:
(and forgive me any discrepancies- I stole this text because I'm a horribly slow typist- two fingers, hunt and peck- and because I'm lazy.)
(I think this is from) 1 Corinthians chapter 7
Yes, it is good to live a celibate life. 2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. 3 The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband also gives authority over his body to his wife. 5 So do not deprive each other of sexual relations.
The only exception to this rule would be the agreement of both husband and wife to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time, so they can give themselves more completely to prayer. Afterward they should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt them because of their lack of self-control. 6 This is only my suggestion. It's not meant to be an absolute rule. 7 I wish everyone could get along without marrying, just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of marriage, and to others he gives the gift of singleness.
8 Now I say to those who aren't married and to widows - it's better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 9 But if they can't control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It's better to marry than to burn with lust.
10 Now, for those who are married I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband. 11 But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else go back to him. And the husband must not leave his wife.
12 Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a Christian man has a wife who is an unbeliever and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. 13 And if a Christian woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. 14 For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not have a godly influence, but now they are set apart for him. 15 (But if the husband or wife who isn't a Christian insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is not required to stay with them, for God wants his children to live in peace.) 16 You wives must remember that your husbands might be converted because of you. And you husbands must remember that your wives might be converted because of you.
25 Now, about the young ... who are not yet married. I do not have a command from the Lord for them. But the Lord in his kindness has given me wisdom that can be trusted, and I will share it with you. 26 I think it is best to remain just as you are. 27 If you have a wife, do not end the marriage. If you do not have a wife, do not get married. 28 But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin.
However, I am trying to spare you the extra problems that come with marriage. 32 In everything you do, I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord's work and thinking how to please him. 33 But a married man can't do that so well. He has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. 34 His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be more devoted to the Lord in body and in spirit, while the married woman must be concerned about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.
36 But if a man thinks he ought to marry his fiance because he has trouble controlling his passions and time is passing, it is all right; it is not a sin. Let them marry. 37 But if he has decided firmly not to marry and there is no urgency and he can control his passion, he does well not to marry. 38 So the person who marries does well, and the person who doesn't marry does even better.
39 A wife is married to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she is free to marry whomever she wishes, but this must be a marriage acceptable to the Lord. 40 But in my opinion it will be better for her if she doesn't marry again, and I think I am giving you counsel from God's Spirit when I say this.
I know a ton of people who are considered to be god fearing, church going christians- as well as a couple people in the clergy- that consider a lot of this also to be subject to interpretation in light of the day and age that you are living in. It seems like a lot of it doesn't do women any favors.
The above excerpt is kind of a vague one (again!) and it says a bunch of stuff but I think at some point it says that men are supposed to be single except if they just cant possibly stand being single. I find that funny because every time I've been to church the place has been filled up with all these families. Doesn't say much for the enduring constitution of the male populace. It also says divorce is a no-no at some point. I think it also says somewhere that contraception is bad. It says a whole bunch of stuff that gets interpreted every which way and in my opinion eventually men create a lot of rules subject to that interpretation that everybody seems to ignore.
Anyhow- with the bible I never can find the part that says everyone is supposed to impose their will and their own interpretation of the scriptures on the balance of humanity. I always kind of interpreted it to read that your spirituality is discovered within you, and that only you will be able to find it within yourself. Anyhow- yeah- brand me a heretic. But while I may have some doubts as to the wisdom in moving in with a guy in the first year I don't think it's fair to wave the bible at her. That's he clergy's job and her job and gods job and she's got enough on her plate already.
I should have emailed you Lisa. Sorry. But I meant what I said. Your business how you take it. And TLH, from the looks of your picture, you've had enough branding. :) Derail? How about muddying a thing up. You ever been in the Gulf of Mexico? If so, that would explain my white underwear turned brown everytime I crawled out of it.
Well glad to see you are trying to avoid unrulely reactions, and well glad that ur able to share with us. Sounds like ur having a rough go of it, but in due time things will get better. Stay close to your program and let god do the rest.
If it feels right for right now, then let the situation take it's course. I know it sounds like bullshit, but I've been through similiar situation. Also can relate to you, stay strong and if you would like someone to talk to let me know. Your in my prayers, hugs to you
