Ok I've been sober for about 36 days now.... I'm going to be 100% honest with this. At first it seemed really neat to be sober, I thought clear and started to manage a little in my life, I felt good and seen hope. I don't know if this is normal but I have got the biggest fear of being around people, I go to work and feel like people are starring at me and like everyone has this pre thought of me, people that don't even know me, that there starring and thinking things. It's almost driving me to quit my job. The thing is, is I work around allot of young people and it's like I'm scarred of them, I walk around with my head down and don't even DARE look around cuz I might catch eye contact with somebody. I feel at times I just want to yell "What!" and say just LEAVE ME ALONE, dont look at me me don't acknowlege my presence that way I feel better and don't feel like I'm gonna pass out everytime I go to the bathroom or gotta go out and smoke or just talk to somebody. FUCK I am so frustrated I want to drink and tell everyone to FUCK off and go to hell. I want to be the old I don't give a fuck what you think about me and FUCK you...... I guess its just the frustration I am so mad.... I needed a outlet and this was the place. I guess the kindness and fake facaude everyone is doing around me is getting to me. Lets face it lifes not that sweet lets be real, I need to grow a pair and say my thoughts I think. Anyways Im sorry about the language and stuff but I gotta quit being fake and let out my emotions. I so wanna say lets get wasted, and listen to the angriest craziest music I can....... How to I tell the people to get real.... Thank for listening. Kaylon PS.... Please respond with some advice.......
I'd say what you're feeling is natural...... I felt the same. Sometimes still do. My problem, I didn't know how to LIVE SOBER. AA meetings and sharing and surrounding myself with others like me made the difference. It doesn't happen overnight.....What helped me in the beginning (and still does) is reciting the Serenity Prayer instead of saying or thinking "fuck off". Sounds lame I know, did to me to, but it worked and it still works for me.....Find what works for you.........Meditation, prayer, just being still or listening to that crazy music (Deadhead here, I get it) .....You're in my prayers.....And a big congrats on 36 days, that's soooooo awesome.
-- Edited by Doll at 22:34, 2007-02-01
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
That outlet bud... And one tool in our program you seem to me in bad need of... Meetings, and someone you can decide to trust, and us drunks have been there. The 'ol alcohol covered all this stuff up, gotta walk through it to get through it. This ain't easy, been there. There are two ways to go. Forwards or backwards. It gets better if you push forward.
If your anything like me, whatever it takes to get to the point of getting that stuff out to someone, the part you're leaving out here, when you get it out it won't have anymore power over you. You'll feel like a new man, facing the world eye to eye again.
"They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story." Big Book, p. 73 Any lengths. Someone told me once, "When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear." They where right. Hang in there, keep coming back.
I went through some times where I also thought people were staring at me, talking about me, thinking about me, focussed on me. I also wanted to tell them off. But, it turned out to be paranoia. It wasn't all about me. I needed help, and I got it.
It is true that the things that we were covering up with the booze now come to the fore. Drinking didn't solve it, and won't solve it, but just muddies it all up. You are right that just to stop drinking is not the whole thing. To say that all you have to do is not drink, is incorrect. This program is about how to change our stinking thinking,,, and that is where you are now,,, either change and improve that stinking thinking, or....
Time to start with the Steps, and possibly to get counseling to help discover the reason for the paranoia and to get through it, as ryan mentioned.
I am still shy, but I do 'reality checks' now to see if wht I imagine is going on is the reality or, if not, what the reality is. Sometimes I'm really pleasantly surprised!
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Lashing out at others is a form of fear we have. We mask our anger by blaming it on others when the problem lies within.
AA gives you the tools to CHANGE this attitude. Look to God, pray for his help in getting rid of these thoughts. Ask for HIS understanding and guidance.
If you have taken the third step, use the prayer on page 63 in the big book, you will find this issue slowly erode and understanding will emerge.
KBStandup, Unfortunately, I don't have any advice--but the replies posted to your message sound good. I just wanted to say congratulations on 36 days of sobriety. I hope you find your outlet and release for your feelings you've expressed here. Take care, Laura
