When someone tells us we should do something, do we want to do it, or do we feel mad that someone else is telling us what we want to do? Sometimes we forget that these messages are not our own, but are the desires of others. It's important to listen to what we tell ourselves, to be aware of which messages we're giving ourselves and which come from others.
We can make a list of all our shoulds and identify where they came from: parent, boss, friend, self. Then we can decide which shoulds are want to's, and throw out the rest. Doing what we want to is very different from doing what we should, and we can usually do a better job of it.
Have I freed myself of shoulds today?
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I do have some very important 'shoulds', but not half as many as I used to. The relationship that brought me back into recovery was with a person who was full of 'should' for me, and I thought I really 'should' be and do what he wanted, in the beginning. My father was very perfectionist too,, but you see, one person's 'perfect' and 'should' is not necessarily another's. He was constantl finding 'fault' with me and I felt soooo bad that it ended up really threatening my recovery... until I realized that I didn't have to be what or do what he thought I 'should'. wow! that was a real lightning strick revelation!
I do answer to my Higher Power though, and, in Step 4, I do put shoulds in there and whether or not I do what I should or don't,, and in Step 11, also, there are shoulds from my Higher Power, discovered in the consensus of my conscience, my trusted friends' perspectives, and what I know about God's will.
We do say that our problem has been self-will, and that the solution is to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God. This is a thought then, that is partly concurring with the AA principles and partly not.
Ther are real 'shoulds' that we don't want to , and there is a difference between what I want and what I should,, though hopefully I want to do what I should most of the time.
One big 'should' for us is... we shouldn't drink today.... whether we want to or not.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Hi I also feel like the person who brought me into the program is now threatening me with all of her shoulds. I know she has only the best of intentions but my annoyance and anger are getting in the way of seeing the truth. I'm terrified of not communicating with her. She knows me so well and has helped me so much. What if I don't get the same relief from others? What if I dont move foward? I'm desp trying to let go and let God. I found you guys right?
