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Post Info TOPIC: The Needy Stuff
Phil


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The Needy Stuff
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The Language of Letting Go

Needing People

We can find the balance between needing people too much and not letting ourselves need anyone at all.

Many of us have unmet dependency needs lingering from the past. While we want others to fulfill our desire to be loved unconditionally, we may have chosen people who cannot, or will not, be there for us. Some of us are so needy from not being loved that we drive people away by needing them too much.

Some of us go to the other extreme. We may have become used to people not being there for us, so we push them away. We fight off our feelings of neediness by becoming overly independent, not allowing ourselves to need anyone. Some of us won't let people be there for us.

Either way, we are living out unfinished business. We deserve better. When we change, our circumstances will change.

If we are too needy, we respond to that by accepting the needy part of us. We let ourselves heal from the pain of past needs going unmet. We stop telling ourselves we're unlovable because we haven't been loved the way we wanted and needed.

If we have shut off the part of us that needs people, we become willing to open up, be vulnerable, and let ourselves be loved. We let ourselves have needs.

We will get the love we need and desire when we begin to believe we're lovable, and when we allow that to happen.

Today, I will strive for the balance between being too needy and not allowing myself to need people. I will let myself receive the law that is there for me.



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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
amanda2u2


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I can relate to this,, and what happens with me is that I go from one extreme to the other myself.  Most of the time I don't let people know my needs, because i don't expect them to care at all, or, if they do, to be able to meet my needs.   But then,  comes a time in my life, or a person who is very giving,,  and I latch on. 

The key word there is,,   balance,,   moderation,,,       give and take.  Being human with other humans, instead of being caretaker in a dysfunctional family or group. 

*locks arms side by side and does the Yellow Brick Road Shuffle* 

love in recovery,

amanda

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timverton


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O.K. This is a really good one. The LOML said to me a few weks ago "I need you"". I told her "No you don't. You are an independent human being. You may WANT me, but you don't need me. And I WANT you, but I don't need you." I brought up some lyrics from an old Joni Mitchell song "...and you could complete me...I'd complete you..." And in my mind, that about sums it up. One person comlpeting the other's desires. Does this make sense?

Maye I'm afraid of the word "needing" and I HAVE grown to be too independent because my "wants" (not needs) weren't met for a long time. Maybe I didn't allow anyone except alcohol to do that. Maybe I'm afraid of being needed for the reason that I may not be able to fulfil the needs of another. I don't know for sure.

"We will get the love we need and desire when we begin to believe we're loveable, and when we allow that to happen."
I might add "..and when we are able to give love without the expectation of return" Because it is returned so naturally...Tim

-- Edited by timverton at 17:04, 2007-01-27
Does anyone want to comment on this?





-- Edited by timverton at 02:26, 2007-01-28

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CAM


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That's a really good question, Tim.  It's something i'm still confused about - the want versus need aspect of relationships.  That's why I'm trying not to get involved romantically with only four months sober here.   (key word here is "trying"....lol). 

I think i would get too "needy"  - that's just me. 

I'm not sure where the boundaries are with that.  There isn't enough room in my head....i would love to hear others post on this subject?

christine



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Wren


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For me, Christine, it's all about living in the moment. Not that I'm able to do that on a regular basis, but oftimes I pull myself up by the short hairs and repeat the word "right now' to myself. If I am living and walking the right path for this moment, then I've released expectations, and in so doing, then I can halt the "neediness" that is inherant in me. Does this make sense? Remember, it's a journey we're on, so it comes to us as we're ready. Those "expectations" extend to not expecting too much, too soon, from ourselves, too. Love Wren

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timverton


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It's good to see the posts here, though fewer than I had hoped. I think back to a good number of years ago in relationships, career, and just life in general, and all the "needs" I remember seem now to have been more sort of selfish wants...Or as Wren put it--expectations. And maybe the boundary between them is an objectve thing differing from one to another Christine. Who knows? There's a liitle phrase I came up with in some thought during meditation and I believe I was attempting to deal some disappointment at the time:

If I have no expectations, especially of others, then I won't be disappointed.

Just take it as it comes... or, again as Wren put it, as it reveals itself. I've tried to live by that for some time now and it seems to make a heck of a difference in my life as far as coming into times that are disappointing/depressing...I don't have them with any frequency at all. And if I do, I take a good look at the cause and, more than likely, it's been an expectaion on my part that has not been met. Anyway... It's just what I've found in my life to be a truth in dealing with the wants/needs. Love in recovery...Tim

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