I feel strange writing a message here, but I feel like it's the first step. Funny thing is I don't know what exactly that means. I mean, I know it's a "first step," and I know I have a desire to stop drinking, but I'm such an intensely private person . . . well, here we go.
I have a problem with drinking. I could say it's been especially bad these last two years (with only three months of which I didn't drink daily, aside from a few days here and there). Needless to say, I'm an unhappy individual, but not forgone, nor am I without some kind of glimmer of hope to fulfill my life's desire. Unfortunately, I've had problems with depression since I was a child and self-doubt is a daily daemon that visits my door. Funny how self-doubt is actually a silly and deceptively weak looking creature.
I first checked out your site two nights ago. I read some of the messages and felt this was a community in which I’d feel comfortable. The same day I checked your site out was the same day I spent a few hours reading the Alcoholics Anonymous webpage. I printed up a list of places in my town and near my town that have meetings and highlighted those that I thought I’d most likely attend. But then when I seriously think about it I think “dear Lord, this seems so final!” I mean, once I go down that path and announce to a group of individuals that I have a disease; I really can’t change my mind. And I have respect for those that are there and am afraid that perhaps I’m a silly little fool who is not so sick. But mostly it’s the finality of saying “I am an ________” that has me so frightened.
I live in a small town and am also afraid of it becoming known that I’ve attended the meetings. I’m so afraid of what others will say and how it could affect my job and friends. I live with my family—parents and my sister and her family. I’m a bit of a dud but would like to change that.
I didn’t start drinking until I was 23. Until then, I’d vowed never to drink because I was such a health nut. Even though the drinking was sporadic for several years, it was unhealthy drinking—a lot drinking to “turn off,” and drinking along, and drinking as rewards. Alcoholism is in the family genes, but I figured I’d cultivate my appreciation for wine one day and make it a cultural art and tone down my disgusting habits. I was intelligent, and friends around me had turned from unhealthy drinkers (in their youth) to the occasional drinker who could spout romantic descriptions of an occasional glass of wine. I was frustrated I couldn’t do this. I AM frustrated I can’t do this. I get the taste in my mouth and the feel the ebbing of the buzz coming on and I can’t stop.
Then, two years ago, I had a relationship that was not so swell. I won’t blame him; however, it was in my coping skills to begin to drink daily. I’d get disgusted with myself occasionally, but then I’d think ‘it’s only one beer today. I AM showing some kind of restraint.’ But I had to have it, and eventually the quantity increased. Now all I have to see is an actor in film I’m watching drinking or a character (in a book I’m reading) drinking to make me crave the abyss.
So two nights ago I did not drink. Last night I did not drink. Tonight I drank (three beers). I’m not drunk right now and had only become buzzed but I’ll tell you it was no healthy thing.
I want to quit. I do. But the problem is that in the back of mind it’s really ‘I want to quit . . . for right now’ not for always and forever. Of course because I’m writing all of this, there is another piece of me that does want to quit this for good.
I’m in a muddle. Despite this, I hope it’s OK that I’ve written here. You all seem so open and supportive. How does one Begin sobriety?
It’s interesting to note that right when I sat down to write this my cousin called and asked me to meet her early for drinks before a play we’re going to see together tomorrow. I told her that I didn’t think it was a good idea.
I admire those that are here sharing their life's experiences. I appreciate the atmosphere all of you are appear to creating by embracing each other in a supportive (and nonjudgmental) fashion. I really like to read about people attending meetings even if mentioned just in passing.
Welcome Laura...and you're not alone in your feelings. All of us have had that love affair. It's only when you make up your mind that the unhealthy relationship is over, that it must end, are you going to be ready. It took many of us here to get damned close to the point of death before we realized that. I hope the same is not true for you. You ARE in the right place. Make yourself at home...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Hi Laura. You sound a lot like me. Though I seem to think everyone sounds a lot like me. Everyone around here, anyhow. ;)
I was thinking today that it's wierd how there's this thing in the middle that is my alcoholism, and I used to come at it from this one side (for conversation purposes it's over here on my right) where I was drunk a lot and struggling to get sober, kind of trying and trying to not go buy that beer but eventually failing and getting drunk. Then I got over some imaginary hump and onto the other side of my alcoholism (which is over there on my left now) and now I'm sober all of the time and struggling to stay that way. The struggling is way less painful and for me, way easier on this side of my alcoholism.
I've always had rules- for the most part they've kept me safe. One rule I have is a funny one: if I get the urge to drink, I am committed to waiting an hour and seeing if I still feel like having a drink. Usually the feeling has passed and I've gotten distracted. If it hasn't, I'm committed to waiting an hour and seeing if it's passed. ;) Thus far it's worked. It's good to have rules.
I was at the grocers today picking up a few things. Some avocados and garlic, a couple artichokes, eggs and milk, cookies, some pasta and a jar of redi-made pesto sauce with sun dried tomatoes. I was looking at all the different types of pasta available and I finally settled on a ravioli type thing stuffed with Italian sausage. I grabbed a package and turned to walk away, noticing for the first time since I was standing there that the pasta and cheeses share an aisle with the beer.
I look over at a six-pack of Sapporo, my old favorite. There’s a six-pack of Hinano- nearly always my second choice. I really liked those big tin cans of Sapporo a lot. At this point I laughed at myself and thought, “I need to get the hell out of here.” And I finished up my shopping.
Standing in line I see the guy in front of me has a variety of stuff on the conveyor, and amidst it all is a six-pack of Heineken and a quart of Becks. I think back to a time not too long ago when I’d pick up a six-pack after work now and again. I had a rule- I never drank two nights in a row. Usually it went to every third night or so, just to be safe. After a bit it ran to every other night, and then never more than three nights running. Ended up being every night with the odd day coming that I was too hung over to drink at all.
There was also a point in time a six-pack of beer would last me a couple evenings. After a while it got to where I’d drink 5 and then buy some more the next night, and every sixth night or so I’d drink the leftovers. Pretty soon the leftovers just weren’t being left over anymore.
About the time I started realizing that I had a serious problem to deal with, I was picking up a six-pack after work along with a couple quarts. Funny the way personal rules are: two-six packs meant I was an alcoholic but a six-pack and two quarts was all right.
I had some other rules too. Rules kept me safe. One rule was that I tried to never buy beer at the same place two nights in a row. That way maybe the cashiers wouldn’t realize just what a lush I’d become. I’d go to the grocers sometime to pick up a six-pack or two but I wouldn’t want to check out with just that so I’d pick up some other groceries so it would look like maybe I just picked up the beer as an afterthought. I’d have a bag of chips, some celery, three cans of soup, a six pack and a couple quarts, a package of cookies, a Gallon of milk- like that. Sometimes my fridge would be just packed to the gills with food and booze; such was my beer shopping disfunction.
Another stupid rule was that I would take a couple garbage cans to the curb and leave a couple back, just so the garbage man didn’t realize the magnitude of my problem. I’d then take the other cans to the dump myself later in the day if I remembered- otherwise they’d be there next week when the garbage man came again.
I even had some issues with going to meetings (duh?). Aside from not wanting to make the huge commitment to actually saying goodbye to booze forever, I didn’t want people to see that I was human and fallible and could make a mistake or be screwed up. Of course it was perfectly all right that I was drunk every night and out of control in public. Just so long as they didn’t see that I was screwed up enough to go to AA and I was all right.
Eventually I bit the bullet and I did go to AA- and I still go to AA. I didn’t do my 90 in 90 so I’m trying to make up for it by actually staying sober. Lucky for me I’m decidedly stubborn and so thus far I’ve done all right.
So I’m standing in line listening to the cashier ring up this guy’s groceries and I’m thinking about all this stuff, and I looked down at that guys six pack and the quart of Becks sitting there amongst the assortment of random items. I look up at the guy and he looks a lot like me- 40ish, decent shape, not too beat up- and he looks over at me our eyes meet and he gives me this weak nod like he’s tired. I nod back and think to myself “Probably be seeing you around.”
I ramble a lot. I like to write. I hope something here made a little sense to you. Hang in there and go check out some meetings if you get a chance. Just going isn't a long term commitment to not ever drink again- it's a very short term commitment to go see what it's all about.
Welcome to MIP. It's a great place to add to the quality of your sobriety. There are lots of really helpful people here.
My own drinking started to get out of hand for the last few years. It was causing a lot of domestic unhappiness and chaos. I so wanted not to drink, but as soon as I took the first drink I couldn't stop. I tried to limit myself to one or two glasses of wine with a meal, but I could never stick to it. I would manage the odd day without alcohol, but I was always obsessing about that next drink. That doesn't happen to me now.
You asked how one begins sobriety, well right here is a good place to start. But, for me, just being part of this cyber family isn't enough to keep me sober. I need to go to regular meetings and have regular contact with other alcoholics, too. It's only by hearing of how other people have stopped drinking and how they have turned their lives around that I can stop drinking. I need their support, wisdom and help.
At first, I worried about being seen at an AA meeting. But, I now know that I am always so very welcome at any meeting and I haven't come across a single person who would tell anybody outside the fellowship that I am a member. Every single person that I know respects everyone's wish and right to anonymity.
I really do hope that you will try a few AA meetings in your area. You will be so very welcome and they will help you so very much. I always gain so much strength from every meeting that I go to.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Hi, Laura, I have a problem with 'forever commintments' too. It must be that a lot of people do, so there is this saying in AA , "Just for Today". You have said that you don't want to drink - for now. That is a beginning. Welcome to recovry, just for today.
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Hi, I just wanted to write a quick note before going to work. Thank you to everyone who has responded to my introduction. I only had time to read Tim's and Toby's and they were very helpful. I'll finish reading the rest of the posts when I get home tonight and really digest everything you all are sharing. The evening is when I need to be thinking about this anyway.
Welcome to MIP, Laura. This is a very good beginning, as Carol said. You've gotten some great feedback from others. I had to laugh a little; the embarassment of a small town, going to meetings. Once I'd been sober and thought about it, I realized that just about everyone in town already knew I had a problem even before I'd admit it, and were glad I was getting help. One of the joys of small towns, eh? It's a step, baby step, day at a time, and as Amanda said, sometimes an hour at a time, for all of us. The meetings will change your life, that is a promise. Keep coming back, and be gentle with yourself. Wren
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
It's quite a thing to admit you have a problem. You've done the right thing so far. I too was having a hard time with:
"FOREVER?" I can't drink for the rest of my life? Yes, but I don't miss it at all. Get to a meeting, stay busy, read the book, get phone numbers of others after your meeting.
Toby, appreciate your analogy regarding your placement of the alcoholism hump. It is helpful to read that while one may still be struggling to remain sober it is easier. I also think it’s interesting that you mentioned you relate to so many people who post here. It feels pretty good to read people’s stories and think ‘thank goodness I’m not the only one. These are good people. I’m not so bad and it doesn’t mean the end of me.” I especially related to your story about shopping at different stores because I don’t like the cashiers to know how much I drink. That kind of choice always seemed to generate so much guilt. To hear that there is another (and according to the AA website, still others) who has done this makes me feel less alone. What is 90 in 90? 90 meetings in 90 days? I kind of hope not because I don’t think I could do that—I don’t have the time. Thanks for your rambles.
Tim, thank you for your speedy response to my first posting and your supportive words. No, I’m not at a point close to death. I’m not at rock bottom but I’ve been digging myself there. Thanks again for the support!
Hi Carol, Your little angel icon is cute. J Thank you for sharing part of your story with me. It helps. Also, despite my current reluctance to attend an AA meeting, I really want to hear / need to hear about people going to AA meetings. Already, the concept is gradually becoming less of a looming terror (but I’m not quite there yet).
Doll, thank you for sharing that you too began with baby steps. I feel like that’s all I can do right now. Like tonight I chose not to meet my cousin before the play for drinks and when I got home, I chose not to reach for one of the beers in the fridge. I’m sipping on a cup of roasted dandelion root tea and eating buttered bread. The night isn’t over and my will power sometimes resembles the loose grains of sands in an hour glass. Still, I’m focusing the baby steps.
Amanda—sharing that you have a problem with “forever commitments” helps. I was afraid I couldn’t join an AA community and not feel 100% about my situation and my choices. Just for today, just for today, and right now . . . just for tonight. Thank you.
Wren, you highlighted an important suggestion for my situation—“an hour at a time.” That just seems more attainable at the moment. Well, and reading your note made ME laugh about the universal nature of a small town. There may be a handful of people who suspect a problem, but the truth is, a lot of people seemed surprised to learn that I drank anything at all ever (which I always thought odd). I wonder how they think I managed to grow this pot belly in such a short time—it just aint natural on a woman who is NOT pregnant. Then, I think I’m a good hider; perhaps a little too good. I hesitate to say this because I sometimes wonder if I might be like the emperor in the Emperor and His New Clothes—fooling myself that I’m covering up a secret when all the world sees it. I really have no idea. But maybe time will tell and maybe it’s not important.
Ironman, I’m taking your advice to heart—“stay busy.” I didn’t feel like going out tonight to meet my cousin for the play; I wanted to call her last minute and tell her I couldn’t go. Instead I went to (at the very least) keep busy. I’m so glad I did.
Phil—and last but not least. J Brief but poignant, you brought the supportive discussion home by reminding me that there are so many working to help themselves with addiction. Actually, I never really thought of it as a general number and so never realized it was something like 3 million people! Thanks for the invitation to hop aboard.
Hi Laura, and welcome to MIP. I remember the first time i thought i was a alcoholic, i didnt want anyone to know especially my family, i was frightened my work mates would find out. I didnt last long in the rooms, i thought it wasant for me. I finally got here though on the fourth attempt. Im realy pleased that i attened meetings and i am working the steps. It used to bother me that people might find out that i was a alcoholic, but im happy with that now Im finaly at peace with myself. I think you have come to the right place, you will meet wonderfull people here, but i hope you will attened some meetings. Dont be frightened, i now you can do it. I will be praying for you, hope you will hang around for a while. Well take care and goodluck. Remember one day at a time.
Thank you Welshgit77, I appreciate your supportive words and honesty about the power of the meetings. I started writing here to warm myself up to the idea of going to a meeting. I thought it might take me a while, but I'm thinking about going to my first meeting this week already. I'm not saying I'm going to go. I don't want to add pressure to myself. Just like I won't type "I'm an _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _" until I really am ready to face it and feel it. I will keep coming back. This is a great place. I don't know what my family will think about it, which is why I don't want them to know until I've actually attended a few meetings. With them it's not about shame, but I'm not so sure they think I have a problem to the extent that it needs AA. In the end it's my decision and only I know how I feel, how I operate and how much I drink. I want my attendance to a meeting to be completely my own choice if and when I make it. Again, Thank you and have a beautiful day. Laura
9o and 90 is one reccomended way to begin sobriety. 90 meetings in 90 days. I didn't have time either- which is odd because I had time to get drunk every night for years. ;) But honestly- I have a 2 year old and a company to run and all that. I go when I can, but I can see how going daily would be better. I have a friend who is still going every day 5 years later. You do what you can.
Hi toby i was reading your post to laura and i had to laugh. You mention how it is unacceptable to feel like a fool at AA meetings but it IS ok to make an ass out of yourself in public when drunk! I love that. It is so true it's painful. Funny how much easier it is to walk through your fear with a little liquid courage. I believe while buzzed once I though it would be ok to attend my first meeting with a couple of drinks in me. Of course when I woke up I realized that might not be ok after all.
