Alcoholics Anonymous
Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: struggling with a drink right now


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
struggling with a drink right now
Permalink  
 


I've got a tab open in my browser with the hours of the nearby liquor stores, another with a search of nearby meetings, and now this, because there are no real-life meetings right now. Plus I really would rather go to the liquor store. 

 

I relapsed recently after 7 months sober. I've continually had similar lengths of sober time and then brief relapses. This relapse was two weeks of drug use, then on Monday I finally made the decision to get sober again. But Thursday I had a terrible nightmare about my abusive father and otherwise a bad day, and wound up using again that evening. Clean and sober again yesterday, and then another terrible nightmare about my father and my mother last night.

 

I used a skill called containment that I've learned in therapy that's supposed to help you forget about it, but I guess it hasn't been working for me. Also I was depressed and I made that depression worse by laying on the couch watching TV all day, and I live alone.

 

I was physically abused by my father from age 8 until sometime in adolescence (I don't remember when because I blocked out a lot of my childhood), and emotionally abused by him, my mother, and my brother. It just occurred to me why I'm having these nightmares now--I was recently at his house, the house I grew up in, two days in a row, the second time for a couple hours, looking for my cat, who he'd been taking care of. He wasn't there, and I haven't spoken to him in years, but I guess it still brought stuff up.

 

In the first nightmare, I was trying to kill him by stabbing him with something sharp, but every time I'd try, my arm would start to thrust and then stop moving, and I'd barely scratch him. He was taunting me, making fun of me for not being able to do it and egging me on to try harder. In last night's nightmare he started beating me, and I started fighting back, telling him that now it was an even fight because I wasn't a kid anymore and he was getting old. Then he pulled out a gun and I became a child again. I called out for my mom to call 911, but she just left. I was huddled into a ball, staying perfectly still, as my dad was pressing the gun into me and taunting me again. Somehow he put it down or dropped it or something, and I was able to wrestle it away from him. Later, he was gone and my mom came home, and I asked her why she left. She said she didn't want to be around all that fighting and she couldn't have done anything, anyway. I said she could have at least called the cops, and it would have comforted me to know that my mom was at least somewhere nearby, at least in the house somewhere, because she cared about me. She said that she had to look out for her own mental health.

 

Sorry for that long description, I know nobody likes to hear about other people's dreams, but sometimes it helps just to get it out.

 

I know a lot of people in AA have abuse in their past, too. How do you deal with the nightmares and the memories and the feelings of helplessness and the depression and everything that comes with that? And just what do you do when you want to drink? 



__________________


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 14
Date:
Permalink  
 

I am new to this whole online forum thingy, so please bear with me. I understand your frustrations and all, given your unique situation, but self medicating is not the answer. Being a victim is one thing, I get that, but allowing yourself to be victim all over again is just as bad. I say this from experience, trust me, I know.

When I lost everything to alcohol, about 15 years ago, it was devastating. I lived under this strange assumption that everything, even with my best intentions, would work itself out if I choose to do the right thing. Well, guess what, it did not happen. I suffered more angst during my first 5 years sober then I did during 20 years of active drinking. I guess it was part of my penance, now that I look at it.

There was only one problem: I hated the pain -the pain of growing up in recovery. I could not use the past as a reason to subvert the future. I had to recognize the problem and the discomfort it caused, find a way to block out all that negative energy and simply move on. It was the first step in a new direction.

I do have a couple of outlets that helped me in this endeavor. You just stumbled on one of those, talking about it. Talking about seems to help, just like writing it down. It is not meant to embarrass you or to cause you harm, but for us to get to know you. I also like to run things though my sponsor and my sober network. They seem to know what is best for me even when I do not.

Attending meetings is just as crucial since it connects the dots between out alcoholism and the disease itself. Without the help of my Home group, and the people I call my extended family, who knows where I would be.  The great thing about A.A., besides the experience itself, is the commodore I feel every day. And!!! There are so many meetings to choose from; you are not limited to just one. These are just a few suggestions that may help.

Group Therapy and not just individual therapy -which is still crucial by the way- is an essential tool in the development process, and believe me it works. Just remember: this will always be a process and not just an adventure. And it will take time to work out, trust me, I know -been there a dozen times myself. Just take it one day at a time like I did and never give up hope. If you do, it might be the setback we never counted on.  

I hope you can somehow put the past behind you and focus entirely on the here and now. Remember: The past is the past and the future is still uncertain, so the now is all we have. Right now you have the ability to turn things around, and with our help and the help of everyday professionals, you can do just that. So make the change now while you still can.  It will be the best decision you will ever make.                   

 



-- Edited by Instant Dharma on Saturday 22nd of October 2016 04:42:42 PM

__________________
DRH


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 38
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hi, I'm still trying to figure this sobriety thing out after 75 days. So, I don't have much advice to give, but I hope you are ok. We care about you.



-- Edited by Roman on Saturday 22nd of October 2016 08:59:58 PM



-- Edited by Roman on Saturday 22nd of October 2016 09:01:43 PM

__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 51
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hang in there!

What I did in the early days (and do now when I feel itchy) is get around other drunks. I'd go to as many as 4-5 meetings a day on bad days, and catch coffee with someone in between. I didn't feel a whole lot better right away but it did help and I didn't drink.

It might not sound like the solution you need right now but believe me, those bad days where I didn't drink add up into something

__________________

 

"God can move mountains but it helps to bring a shovel!"

 

 

 



MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 1570
Date:
Permalink  
 

Welcome to the forum, lux. You've got some heavy experiences and I hope you feel better for sharing them. This is a good space to do that in.

Stick around here for a while. The liquor store doesn't have what you need. The meetings do.

We're rooting for ya.

__________________

First, deal with the things that might kill you.

 



MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 12357
Date:
Permalink  
 

Welcome to MIP lux ... ... ...

Just remember one thing right now, there is NO problem that you're go'n through right now that a drink or drug won't make WORSE ... Most of us have been through that 'trying to quit' and couldn't quite grasp the whole 'change' thingy ... get to a morning meeting and get some names and #'s of some AA folks that you can call and talk to when you get squirrely ... and let us know how your first meet'n went ...


Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy



__________________

'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.