Hi all, I have been lurking on this site for about six months and am extremely grateful for all of the ESH I have absorbed.
I had 14 months of sobriety and last night I relapsed. I saw it coming, and knew I needed to go to a meeting, but was overwhelmed by the "insanity." Was just thinking of immediate relief from the anxiety I have been experiencing for the last few weeks. So last night I drank a bunch of red wine and woke up today with red vomit all over my bed and a vague recollection of a long drunken conversation I had with my kid's tennis coach (sigh). Not to mention my kids, ages 12, 13, and 16 were well aware of what was going on. I am overwhelmed with guilt for letting them down. I am also terrified that I have opened Pandora's box and will fall into active alcoholism again. What should I do? How do I frame this event as a "one-timer" and move on? I don't want to drink today, or tomorrow, or the next day. I do feel like I have learned a lesson. I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL!!!! Should I do another 90 in 90? Do any of you have experience with a 12 hour relapse? I feel like if I can frame this slip up the right way I can learn from it and move on. This is where I need the help.
I know 1st hand what you're go'n through right now, not just disappointing family, but more importantly, yourself ... the last time I came back to AA, I did the 90 and 90, actually I did right at 700 in 700 ... cause I was 'sicker' than others ... I stared death in the face and knew I needed to do whatever it took to get and stay sober ... else I was a goner ... and it's truly a miracle I ain't 6 foot under right now ...
I have no idea where your anxiety come from, but when I had those 'out of control' feelin's, I always called my sponsor or someone on my AA members list to talk things out ... it always helped me to know I wasn't the only one have'n problems with life ... they seem to always know what to say to calm my fears and the anxiety would pass, as it always does, given enough time ... I learned to drink over such things was only go'n to make things worse, always ... always worse, never better ... ... ...
So, if you're up for it, get to the very next meet'n you can and also call and discuss this whole thing with your sponsor ... I assume you've worked the steps, if so, get with your sponsor and go through them again to 'fill in' something you may have missed ... You have your mind in the right place right now, so take the right action to keep your Hope alive ... you can do this ...9if I could get sober, anyone can ... just wrap your mind around taking the next 'right' step ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks for your replies. Your words mean a lot to me and have anchored me in a positive way today.
I have had two sponsors, but have moved to a new area and am currently without.
I know I need to find a new sponsor, no ifs ands or buts.
It ain't the end of the world that you drank. But it could be if you keep drinking. so, don't dwell on it. If you dwell on it, you might want to drink again. You gotta catch it now. Luckily, you didn't get in a car and drive, or do any number of the stupid things we've done drunk. So, you should be happy for that. But, not so happy that you think you can get away with it again. Eventually, something bad happens. To everyone who drinks. It's just a matter of time.
We are glad you came here. Stick around.
Going to a meeting would be a good idea.
-- Edited by Baba Louie on Monday 19th of September 2016 03:03:02 PM
I also had a one-day relapse, after being sober for about a year. That was what began my current sobriety, 27 years ago. The way to 'frame' a mercifully short relapse like this is simply that IF we get sober again right away and continue to stay sober a day at a time, we're just really, really lucky and have avoided a lengthy relapse or worse. We can consider it a very cheap lesson - IF we learn from it.
One thing we must NOT do is listen to the insane idea that our alcoholism will inevitably concoct which will try to tell us that we can reliably, predictably, drink yet again and get sober after one day again, just because that's what happened THIS time. There is absolutely no way to know that this would happen again, and we just got lucky - THIS time.
Regarding that 'lesson', and learning from a relapse - you realize that you saw this relapse coming, yet you drank instead of taking some type of action that might have prevented the relapse. So - to learn from this experience and avoid a recurrence (or, more likely, a far, far worse experience that lasts much longer than one day), the questions to ask yourself would be things like what will you do differently when these same thoughts and feelings occur again? What aspect of step one had you not taken to heart, which allowed you to buy into the insane idea that you should drink again? Or what tools of the program could you have used? What should you rely on instead of the thinking that is a product of your own alcoholic self-will?
There is information in the Big Book about this stuff, in the chapters "There is a Solution" and "More About Alcoholism". And Tanin brings up a good question, these would be really good things to discuss with a sponsor who has experience in these matters.
Thanks so much for all of your replies. You are all saying exactly what I need to hear right now. I went to a meeting today. You are right, we can't do this thing alone and I was trying to fly solo for the past several months. Didn't take the time to go to meetings and my head became clouded. It is so bizarre, since I quit drinking so many good things have come my way, blessings beyond belief. Nurturing positive, healthy relationships. And one night of drinking and I have already dismantled a couple of those really important relationships. Just one night! My descent was not gracious, it was right where I left off fourteen months ago. Crazy.
WOW ... you got some great feedback Mary ... and Dave is right about get'n sober again right away ... I've know way too many that once they fell, they never found the courage to return ... AA is much more than a program of recovery, AA is FAMILY ... I've found that many of us find AA members that become closer to us than our own families ... and AA becomes a lifelong endeavor ...
Your relationships, whether spouse, children, brother, sister, whatever, have experienced a big hiccup for sure, but they are bound to know you did well for a long time ... sure, they'll have some doubts, and for sure this has shaken their trust in you, but you simply get back in the groove and take things one day at a time as you did when you first started ... I relapsed so many times, it took me be'n sober for several years before my wife finally began trusting in me again ... that was a miracle in and of itself ...
Keep looking forward, and don't look back ... you got this ...
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I truly appreciate everyone's words. I didn't drink yesterday, and I will not drink today either. I feel extremely raw, fragile, unfocused, and depressed but I will not drink today. I am still cleaning up the aftermath of my drunken night. Talked to my kids about it last night, saying that I mistakenly thought I could drink like other people, again, just a glass or two and I would stop. My twelve year old said, "But why would you take that CHANCE, mom?" He hit the nail on the head with regards to alcoholism being an incredibly selfish disease. Why WOULD I take that chance? The stakes are so high, but my alcoholic blind spot became so big I wouldn't consider the risks involved. I can't speak for other alcoholics but I know that I am way over the top in selfishness. I can remove the alcohol from my life and a thousand other selfish, compulsive impulses emerge.
Relapses are due to failure to enlarge upon your spiritual life. Down to not throwing that bubble gum wrapper out the car window - is spiritual for heathens like us. If you want something you never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done. God bless.
During the time I was working the steps(again), my sponsor had me rework steps 4 thru 9, intensely, until he felt I did them with enough sincerity and honesty, that I could proceed to the next steps ... I just wanted to say, for me, I had several 'Spiritual Awakenings' during this process ... I found out just how broken my mind was to start with and then I became 'open' to the changes I needed to make ... I found that Bill hit the nail on the head when he said 'selfishness and self-centeredness' was our problem ... I finally realized that I was the most selfish person I had ever known ...
Although I went through some gut wrenching moments do'n these steps, I'll never, ever forget the complete and total release of all anxiety and worry ... there was a moment that my entire body went through a tingling, frozen state for brief moment (like when your arm or leg goes to sleep and the blood rushes back), this one moment I definitely felt a God I never knew come into my car and sit right next to me ... ... ... ... ... ... (sorry, I always get choked up when I recall that moment) ... ... ... (I nearly wrecked my car) ... ... ... Peace and serenity have been my constant companions ever since ... (well, they get 'tested' ever now-and-again, lol, but I became a different person that day) ...
We need Faith, Hope, and Love in our lives, it needs to be incorporated into the way we think ... and my higher power, God, did that for me ... Please work on opening a direct communication line with your HP so you can enjoy the same results ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I forgot to say that Visionz made an excellent point ... Spirituality is where we find our 'release' ... cause we develop a 'faith', that was previously elusive, that everything is go'n to work out just the way it's supposed to ... ... ... and that WE GET TO BE A PART OF IT ...
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you Pappy for sharing your spiritual awakening experience. Your words brought tears to my eyes because I long for that type of experience. You and Vision are absolutely correct when you write of the importance of forging a spiritual connection with a higher power. I was on the right path initially. I truly felt that at the beginning of my sobriety that I extended my hand out just a bit and a force reached down, grabbed my hand and yanked me to safety. I call this force my HP, and spent considerable time trying to understand what exactly my HP was. Initially, it seemed to be the fellowship, but it also seemed bigger than that as well. I came to understand that the fellowship was the physical face of my HP, but not my HP. The ease with which I was able to quit, and the blessings that came so easily that first year had to be the working of something, or someone...but I have never progressed beyond establishing exactly what my higher power was. I still am not sure.
I was working on step four when I moved to this new community early last summer. This is where things stagnated, and I slowly began to move away from the spiritual practices that had sustained me. I knew by the end of the summer I was running on fumes, that I really had no program, but thought, when we get settled into our new home, the kids in their new school, I will jump back into it. I fully intended to rededicate myself. I knew I was engaging in risky behavior but thought I could push through.
I have to find a sponsor and finish the steps. I have to take a full moral inventory. My year of sobriety taught me a lot about myself, and my unwillingness to accept life on life's terms. Like I mentioned above, I removed the alcohol and some other pretty terrible defects of character popped up...defects that could easily lead to relapse if not kept seriously in check. I don't know why I have this need to escape from reality, this need for a mental "out" and inability to deal with life's problems. I am realizing that I have always lived in a fantasy world, where everything has to go my way all the time. Honestly, what triggered the immediate downward spiral this weekend was my youngest child's struggles in school. Children struggling in school is a common theme for parents. I am not unique or special. But I somehow felt, at that moment, as though I couldn't handle it. I felt justified in seeking relief in alcohol. I made his problem about me, selfishly.
I loved the way you phrased that... "spirituality is where we find the release." I have thought a lot about emotional release valves and the importance of developing healthy strategies to "let go." I had a growing tool-box of superficial (but still have-way effective) release valves, such a travel, movies, shopping, etc, but was searching for the biggie. You have hit the nail on the head.
Glad you found my post helpful ... and yes, you should proceed in get'n a new sponsor and finishing the steps ... ASAP ... and always remember, use 'TOTAL HONESTY' when work'n the steps ... And 'BE THOROUGH'
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
"I don't know why I have this need to escape from reality, this need for a mental "out" and inability to deal with life's problems."
AA literature says that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling and powerful.
We always hear cunning, baffling and powerful in relapse stories or stories of what it was like when we were out there. But we never hear the person explaining what was so cunning. I would like to take this opportunity to break it down if you don't mind?
The part about knowing you are an alcoholic if you can't control your drinking is very true, but there is a misconception and another insidious side to it.
When a non alcoholic person is drinking, they stop when they start feeling out of control.
When an alcoholic is drinking, we get the feeling like we are in control when in reality this is the delusion that the book says has to be smashed because outwardly, we spin wildly out of control.
From these ideas we get the nice one-liners such as "feelings aren't facts" - our experience proves it.
The great and awesome news for you GreenHope, is that AA's program is exactly for chronic relapsers and I have faith that with a little help, you can turn this around.
That is exactly right. Every time I drank, I told myself the same lie: I will only have a few drinks. I will be normal. Sunday I told myself the same lie, and I thought, maybe I am not really an alcoholic, after all, I was able to quit quite easily. However, after 3-4 drinks this powerful, crazy delusion kicked in that I had figured everything out, and I was completely in control, and I needed to set everyone straight. And, I needed MORE ALCOHOL!!! In reality, though I was completely wasted, out of it, locked away from myself, disgracing myself.
Alcohol holds nothing for me but delusion, destruction, and ultimately death.
Relapses are due to failure to enlarge upon your spiritual life.
Yep. Everytime I have relapsed I took over and tried to control my thoughts, other people, my life. I stopped believing that God was in control instead of me. Thought I "got this"....I can drink and "deal" with problems and thought everything would get better (if only for a little while) once I had those drinks..... that "crazy" thinking. I have had to start over again quite a few times...forgive myself, try again. I've beat up on myself more than anyone ever could. Main thing is not to allow myself to think that I have already screwed up, messed my life up (again) and to give up completely and think that I may as well continue drinking. I am like an old beat up car....I try and fix one thing, still doesn't run smoothly and makes alot of noise (LOL)....so I keep trying to fine tune myself until I eventually and hopefully run the way I am supposed to without breaking down again. I need to remember that God is the greatest mechanic for me.
You'll be fine if you just keep trying and never give up on yourself.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Wednesday 21st of September 2016 06:20:28 AM
