I have 1 year 2 months. 1 year 2 months and 2 days ago I got my best friend pregnant. At the time we lived in Los Angeles, both were in sober-living houses. She decided that moving back to Philadelphia with her folks to have the baby was the best idea. I agreed and we drove across the country when she was 4 months pregnant. Her family has been wonderful. I struggled to find work initially but have been working the past four months making enough to buy what the baby needs and put away a little, but not much. Long story short: we are not going to work out as a couple. She is co-dependent and emotionally Unbalanced and I am a 33 yr old late-stage alcoholic who struggles to connect emotionally. There were mistakes made, and she has told me to leave. We are st civil but she cannot process her hurt feelings with me around, according to her. I have $500 to my name, no car, and know nobody here except her family. Most of my sober friends from around the country who have known me for 5-6 years think I would be short-sighted and setting myself up if I try to make ends meet locally in order to see my daughter 3-4 times a week instead of taking up my family and friends' offer to come home (Indiana) and finish my degree w/ their support. I want to think about what's best for me and consequently my daughter, say 5 years from now. Could I stay sober being isolated in an apartment here, and could I go to school, make rent, and pay child support? Or do I sacrifice time now with my daughter to place myself in a situation that is better suited for success, both financially and sobriety wise? Logic tells me to accept the support in order to ensure a better chance I am sober and In position to provide real support for my daughter 5, 10, 20 years and beyond. But I have guilt over the notion of Leaving the area even though it isn't my decision to move out of the home. trying to be at peace with what is the most sober, adult decision here. Anyone else had to make this kind of decision or be separated from your child?
What I think I should do - and what I feel I should do are sometimes very different.
Me personally, I couldn't miss out on bonding with my child right from the start.
Becomming a parent is scary as hell. You're still thinking with your 'pre parent - haven't met him/her yet' brain. You may want to hit the pause button a few times because it's a squirly time... and you are emotional right now. You're prefrontal cortex is taking over your rational thinking - so focus on finding your peace and calm for now and have a little faith that you will make it through this day, rinse and repeat. You will... make it.
I noticed something in your post - you asked if you could stay sober isolated in an apartment. It sounds to me like you don't have confidence in yourself to stay sober no matter what and your'e scared shitless of everything.
This program for me is about replacing fear with faith. It doesn't have to be faith in any kind of Religion - it can be faith in yourself. You know damn well that you can stay sober no matter what. If someone offered you a billion dollars to do it - you could do it. So you can do it and you know it. Do you want to??? Are you lining up excuses already? Are you afraid that you will be a bad dad, not good enough - do you feel like you're not a good enough person for your child???
If so... GREAT! That means you care!
You want to be the best you can be, you want to be your best self! We drank to feel that way but there is a better way: Be your true self. Act out of the qualities of your true self. Instead of rolling your eyes or getting all huffy and defensive when your babies mother comes at you with her hurt - wish her happiness in your mind or out loud to her and that is all. Then you get to feel like the true kind you. Instead of trying to control all your circumstances perfectly - trying to set the stage and have the all the players stay put as it talks about in the big book... have faith that if you take the next right action, do the right thing, the altruistic unselfish next thing - things will fall into place for you. Your true self is faithful in your ability to do this. Your true self is confident in You. And if it's a religious God that is your personal favorite type of delusion, put faith in the fact that He wants this for You too, and is with you in all of it. The most important thing is you become responsible for doing and believing what allows you to feel peaceful, so you can have your brain back... make clear choices... pause and think... and act out of self love, unconditional compassion and forgiveness for yourself and others as you go through this time.
We all think we know what we are going to do think and be like as parents up until the day we are parents. Then we wise up and begin to know how much we don't know. The best thing for your child is to be loved. You CAN love your child. You CAN stay sober no matter what happens and you can lead a fulfilling life.
Remember Dods - Alcoholism is someone who is epigentically predisposed to having an unusual reaction to alcohol entering the body. You have a million more pleasure receptors for it than the average joe. And when that is the case, you can not safely drink. The minute you think it's okay for you to drink - you have found a sufficient reason or excuse - there is a blank spot to follow. That is alcoholism. So anytime you start reserving yourself some back door emergency out of sobriety - or even thinking that is something that would be a possibility for you under certain conditions - you can simply say "Oh hello alcoholism, I see you!!!" That's all it is - your best thinking, your grandest scheme, your most complicated manipulation used against yourself. It is you against you - check mate - unless you call it what it is and separate yourself from the 'disease'. You can learn to do this. You can and will always win then. I believe that today. I believe in 'recovered'.
I think your post is asking for someone to reassure you that leaving your baby is okay. You have presented us with the reasons you are telling yourself as to why. I believe that you need us to tell you it's okay because deep down you feel it's not okay. If we give you permission - you have someone other than yourself to blame if it turns out to be the wrong decision. But you are responsible for this decision whatever it is - and you can handle making it, and your feelings around it as they arise today and the years to come. Many of my parenting mistakes came before my first baby was even born... and you know what... mistakes happen. I love my children - I love myself through all of it so I can love them. I hope you will do the same.
Best wishes
-- Edited by justadrunk on Thursday 11th of August 2016 04:19:07 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I guess you are right. I am looking for reassurance that leaving now (not forever) has merit. Do you think I want to miss out on time with her? I don't. Arguing for being more in your child's life is easy- love. Staying sober, in my experience requires some practical measures. It's great to think of being in her life on a weekly basis, but what concerns me is a couple things: I have zero skills, checkered work history and I don't have high confidence in her mother to stay sober long-term and get a job sufficient to raise a child. Along with loving my daughter I want to be able to house, clothe, feed, and support her on more than $25,000. I am 33 yrs old. You think jobs with futures grow on trees for 33 yr old unskilled men? What happens if in 5 years her mother is in rehab or dead and I'm here working at Lowe's with $1500 in the bank and a car that needs a new transmission? Think my daughter would be better off in that scenario or one where I have a degree and am making $50000 a year, but have only seen her once every couple months as opposed to twice a week? money isn't everything I realize, but it does make a difference. 30 years ago maybe it was feasible to make rent, afford school and go to school. There are no solutions, only trade offs. I am definitely full of fear. And yes, I am afraid I can't do it and afraid of getting drunk at some point. It sounds great- scrape out a life near your daughter, stay sober, get 'er done, don't be a dad who lives far from his kid. I am afraid I am not good enough to make that all happen on my own.
Whatever you decide... please believe you are good enough. You are. You have thought this through and you'll make a decision and handle whatever comes your way sober because you deserve to be sober and free. I believe in you.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
The first thing I thought of when reading your post was the part about her being co-dependent and emotionally unbalanced.....I thought all alcoholics were both of these things....I know I am both of them and my guyfriend has said the same about himself.
I have been/still am in a situation where I am separated from my daughter and she is grown. It has been that way for years and years. I have not left the city I am in because I have held onto the hope that she will change her mind. Hasn't happened--probably won't and I was told by someone on this board awhile back that I had probably blown any chances of her ever wanting to be a part of my life when I CHOSE to pick up again. It is what it is and as long as she is safe and alright it has to be enough for me. So in answer to your question, yes, I do know what it is like to be separated from my child.
Your last sentence in your second post is all-telling......."I am afraid I am not good enough to make that all happen on my own."
Dodsworth, As long as you think that way you are setting yourself up to drink again and not make the changes necessary in your life which are best for you. I know.....I have had that same kind of thinking and it only served to get me drunk and set me back even more. Think you don't have enough skills to make more money? Figure out how you can get them. 33 years is not old! I am in my 50's and am looking into taking classes and learning new skills to make more money. For now I am working 10-12 hour days doing what I have done for years and making more money than I have in years because I am sick and tired of telling myself I am helpless and hopeless which ended up in me drinking and proving that to myself. I am tired of sitting around and entertaining all the "what if's" and "if only's". That kind of thinking has wasted so much of my time on this earth. I am also tired of trying to get other people to help me fix myself--the only person on the face of this earth who can fix or help me is ME! And to do that I have to tell myself every single day sometimes many times a day......."I AM good enough. I CAN make change happen in my life". And I am learning that I do not have to have anyone's permission or help to do that which I am completely capable of doing myself. I just cannot do it if I don't stay sober.
No one of this board, in meetings or anywhere else knows you and can tell/advise you what to do (and especially something so important because it involves your child). It took me a long time to figure that one out. I pray for guidance now. God knows me better than anyone and even better than I know myself. My head has stopped swirling around with all those "what if's" and "if only's"....I don't feel helpless or hopeless..I am calmer. Ask your HP for guidance.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Friday 12th of August 2016 05:17:43 AM
