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Post Info TOPIC: An open letter...


MIP Old Timer

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Posts: 3726
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An open letter...
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Dear spouse of an alcoholic,

 

When I was in my first few weeks, I came to this board - got sober - started meetings - drank again a couple weeks later - posted here while drunk - had lots of long pm messages with people, mostly the mods and pappy himself here (while drunk) and then my husband threatened to take away my kids for good leaving me no hope of crying or lying or manipulating my way back.  (NO HOPE, FOR ONCE HE DID NOT BUDGE NO MATTER WHAT I DID OR SAID).   He gave me no clue as to if I would or would not remain married to him... and just when I was going to give up and drink to my death again -  he gave me one alternative:  You can either go back to meetings or you can go to rehab.  You can live here while you do.

 

 

 

So I chose meetings, as I did feel a connection there I was just scared $hitess that I was the worst person in the world, and too bad off for this program to work for me.  I came to see most of us think that.  They talk about 'those who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves' in our opening literature - and that those people are the only ones who can't be helped.  Well I thought for sure that was me.  It wasn't until I listened to enough shares to hear my own story - and people admit some of the horrific things alcoholism brought them to do, or changed them into - and I realized I became this awful shadow of a mother, wife and person not because I sucked eternally and more than everyone else in the world - but because I had a disease.  My ego was way off.  Today I know I am equal to all humans.

 

 

 

From that point on - I went about trying to convince my husband that what I had was actually a disease out of my control.  Much like cancer - I didn't ask for it and though it seemed like me in there - it wasn't me anymore.  In alanon you will hear about separating the person from the disease.  I had to do that for myself!  I was sober when I met my husband, sober when I had my kids - so my husband fell in love with a completely different person.

 

 

 

Anyway - the point is - your wife is terrified right now she can't do it.  She doesn't want to lose her kids (she probably does want to lose you right now because you're trying to get her to do the one thing that scares her more than actually living, I was so convinced I was going to die that I was recording myself singing lullaby's for my children for after I was dead).  But if she's anything like me - that is just the fear generated by the disease in her mind.  She surely loves you underneath yet can't access it right now.  It may or may not be that you taking the kids with no evidence you will return will be enough for her to truly want to get help.  I see some this works for - but others are given a time frame to 'show they are serious' can somehow manage to do the program for that long to win back whatever they need to win back - and then soon go back to drinking.  My husband leaving this open ended forced me (and this is just my experience) to decide I would do this for me no matter what happened.  I wasn't focused on doing it for anyone, or to get anyone, or win anyone back - I had to decide to do it for me.  I had to keep the focus on myself.  Something you will also hear in alanon constantly - for a good reason.  You will also do well to consider your motives and make sure the things you chose to do are truly for you, and not to gain some certain outcome.  Some people die of alcoholism.  I had to imagine that the things I wanted were already gone and behave that way.

 

 

 

Honestly - honesty is best.  Doing what you need to do to live a peaceful life is automatically best for everyone else - because it's honest - and we all deserve that from one another.  It gives each other the opportunity to make a decision about ourselves and others based on an honest representation.  In alcoholism, and for those living with it - we all lose our honest true reflection of self.  Most of what we do becomes nothing more than a ploy to get results of some kind.  It is a horrible way to live - because our self worth and esteem can only be boosted in a healthy way when we act in ways true to ourselves.  When we have gone a long time putting on a false face or trying to meld into something we think others will love so we get something, get someone to do something, or even just to get love... we never get to know if someone loves the real honest us - or the act.  When we can't feel loved for who  we really are because we have not been who we really are - we lose our self worth and esteem fast.

 

 

 

An all loving Higher power can first know who we really are if we let it.  Most of us have lost hope in a Higher Power.  The steps take us toward our own understanding again.  Beyond that, we will begin to practice living as our true honest self and letting God love it be enough.  Soon we naturally begin to love ourselves by being true, and giving ourselves the opportunity to love who we truly are.  Finally others are naturally drawn to that strength and light.  My husband and I were - we fell in love all over again.   It took work - we both worked our program for ourselves - we never gave up - we were patient, even during times of impatience we just hung on to God's love as enough.  The thing is - we are better than we could have ever been had this disease not touched our lives.  We would not have found the program or our HP or the love we have for each other, without being free to stand in our truth for the first time.

 

 

 

So I am not sorry you are going through this.  You will hear "Sorry you have to be here" a lot in alanon - but don't be sorry.  You GET TO be here.  It is a blessing - you can only know the joy and love from freedom and light because of the dark nights.  There is a HP who knows exactly the depth of your heart.  The sorrow and pain you feel today only reflects the deep capacity you have - and that depth can and will also fill up with deep joy and gratitude - LOVE.  

 

 

 

Today - I wouldn't change a single thing.  I am grateful for ALL of it - every single thing.  I believe a higher power knew and knows what I need and has things exactly as they are needed for the greatest good.  That brings me peace in this moment, like an all loving God would wish for me to feel and learn is possible no matter what.

 

 

 

Don't give up on you no matter what.

 

xxxhugsxxx 



-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 29th of September 2015 01:35:00 PM

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Thanks for everything.  Peace and Love on your journey.  



MIP Old Timer

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Posts: 12357
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I'm soooo very happy you posted this Tasha ... you have 'made my day' in more ways than one ...


Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy



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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'



MIP Old Timer

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Posts: 3278
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It appears to me that this lady knows something about alcoholism and the alcoholic and the family.  I see the wisdom of recovery from both sides of the fence here and I like it and I hope many others find it, read it and take it to heart.   Mahalo Sister...good to see you post again.   ((((hugs)))) smile 



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MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 12357
Date:
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Good to see YOU post again my brother ....


Mahalo E Ke Akua No Keia La



__________________

'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'

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