It has been one of those weeks - multiple people that I am close to in the program have relapsed. I'd be grateful to hear any ESH on this. I'm having a really hard time trying not to 'fix it'.
God grant us the grace to accept with serenity the things that can not be changed, The courage to change the things which should be changed, And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other...
I was one of those 'others' for many years ... and I can't help but believe that the prayers from those that loved me (family and my AA family ...) was the critical point in my life that brought me back to stay this last time, or at least I pray it is ... Just pray that the door to recovery remain open to those who have fallen from grace ... because we both know the path to recovery is narrow and few are they that find it ... and we also know that the path to relapse is wide and many are they that fail to stay sober ...
They must rediscover the pain they left behind when entering our recovery program ... some will make it back, some will not ... it's a fact I learned many years ago ... all I can do is pray, and be there for them if they reach out for help ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I learned a long time ago that I can't fix other people, just as they couldn't fix me when I needed fixing. One of the hardest things is to see fellow members slip. Remember... they probably have a sponsor's phone number or phone list and had a choice of calling for support. Let them know you care and they will be welcomed back when they are ready. You can say a prayer for them, Higher Power has the ability to help when we humans are limited...all we gotta do is ask. Another hard part is seeing friends stray from the program. We get emotionally involved because we care but we can't let it affect us or it has the potential to cause a great deal of stress.
I often say a prayer for those struggling with sobriety, that the Higher Power will give them the strength to recover. It's not an easy road we all are on but AA has the tools necessary to helps us on the road to recovery. Best wishes to your friends who struggle.
Go to the All-Anon side of the board or a Al-Anon Meeting and learn what you can about "fixing" an alcoholic and then learn their adaptive tools which are born in our program and use differently. I use that program in my sponsoring in AA not because I'm smarter and because I am born and raised within the diseased family, predisposed myself and allowed by HP to find the doors of recovery first there and then in AA because I married the women I drank with...maddening yes.
The prayers Jerricka mention allow me to let go of those who I am powerless over and allow God entry. I confirm that HP does much much better miracles, more dramatic and humorous and tearful even that I can even intuit.
I just witness one take place over the year which made my spirit and the spirits of others dance cause our suspicioned reality was that my sponsee would go back out and his mother would expire. They got to the point living on the sidewalks of Oahu without padding or changes of clothes, peddling food and living with users and dealers after the rehab refused two made appointments. They were there for about two weeks. She could not stand on her own or walk on her own. She was totally dependent on her son and he wanted less of the pain of it and could only get breaks for short times as he would trust God and walk away from her. (Crying) He would promise to himself when talking to me..."Its not yet enough to make me take a drink" (choked up) and he didn't.
HP intervention...A pilot offered him air miles so he could get back to Hawaii Island and nurses donated 10 bucks for food (and a pint of vodka) which he could not not buy her and they were back home. HP remained in that insane relationship and two weekends ago at my home group (At the Bay, liliiwi, Hawaii) she earned a 6 month chip...standing up on her own and smiling to beat the band. That broke the place up because everyone of us knew/knows the spiritual power of our recoveries. We want everyone to have it and to have felt it...sometimes sooner.
I am presently reading "Came to Believe" and basking in the miracles again realizing that part of the miracle is the bringer and often only part. Rue this is part of your miracle...you get to keep what you have been freely given. (((((hugs)))))
For me, when a friend of mine relapses and I am feeling an irrational urge to 'fix it' with some action that I should rationally know will not work and cannot truly help solve their problem, I have come to terms with the fact that this urge to take action is generally motivated by a desire to try to avoid the feelings of sadness, helplessness and loneliness that I would normally be feeling when someone close to me is taken out of my life by their relapse. Accepting the truth about the situation, and the truth about why I have an urge to do something about it that I know won't work, makes all the difference and stops the inner struggle and allows me to simply feel what I need to feel.
All I can do is let them know that I'm still here and I still care about them just as much as ever, and if and when they reach a point when they want to try to come back, I'll be happy to take them to a meeting. In fact, when that day comes I will be overjoyed. And then I have to recognize that I cannot do anything else about it and I just go ahead and feel awful for a while.
I haven't posted in a long time however I do come to the site and read up on topics. I quit back in July '13 and I do work on helping others resolve this drinking problem. I'm curious though and would appreciate clarification on "relapse". When you say "relapse", what is considered a relapse. I ask because I work with people who go for extended periods of time without drinking and then have a couple of glasses of wine or beers. Fortunately we work together and reel them back in before they decide to stuff all logic and ignore reality. Is this a relapse? Or is a relapse a bull-blown "I'm getting hammered" where they pick up where they left off?
Insights are appreciated.
All the best,
GTT
-- Edited by GoingtoTry on Thursday 23rd of April 2015 09:02:25 AM
If someone is staying sober because they have alcoholism, then yes, intentionally drinking alcohol is a relapse. If they are willing and able to get sober again after only having a couple of drinks it is a mercifully brief relapse and a very, very cheap lesson. They are extremely lucky. Although I don't think I quite understand what you mean when you say that you 'work together and reel them back in'. Back in to what? A rehab facility? AA?
Thanks Dave12and12. Your feedback is much appreciated. What I meant by "reeling them back in" was to get them back on track with maintaining their sobriety and goals and not get sucked into the remorse and self-recrimination of picking up that drink. Only speaking from my personal experience, many of the people I help out fall back into forms of extreme thinking that works against them in terms of failure if it does happen. In reality, sometimes we take 10 steps forward and 1 step back. The important thing is to help them not go into a full sprint backwards. FYI, the people I work engage with don't attend AA. I do draw from the experience of all in an effort to learn. Hope that makes sense.
the people I work with don't attend AA. I do draw from the experience of all in an effort to learn. Hope that makes sense.
GTT
Of course AA is not the only way that alcoholics ever get sober, but your experience and mine seem very different and I'll admit that I'm kinda baffled by your comments. For one, if you and these other people are not involved in some kind of organization / fellowship (like AA), how would you ever find out when one of these people has just had a few drinks? How would you even meet up with these people in the first place? And again, although AA isn't the only option for an alcoholic, experience and statistics show that alcoholics generally need SOME kind of "program of recovery" beyond mere abstinence that can allow them to fundamentally change their outlook and way of thinking and allow them to actually 'recover from alcoholism'. While being physically abstinent from alcohol is certainly better than drinking, it's extremely difficult and unnecessarily risky to try to maintain that abstinence and achieve long term sobriety simply by will power and 'white-knuckle' abstinence. Are you folks making use of anything other than willpower and physical abstinence to address the conditions and characteristics of alcoholism? Is there some reason you have decided not to take advantage of the support found in places like AA?
the people I work with don't attend AA. I do draw from the experience of all in an effort to learn. Hope that makes sense.
GTT
Of course AA is not the only way that alcoholics ever get sober, but your experience and mine seem very different and I'll admit that I'm kinda baffled by your comments. For one, if you and these other people are not involved in some kind of organization / fellowship (like AA), how would you ever find out when one of these people has just had a few drinks? How would you even meet up with these people in the first place? And again, although AA isn't the only option for an alcoholic, experience and statistics show that alcoholics generally need SOME kind of "program of recovery" beyond mere abstinence that can allow them to fundamentally change their outlook and way of thinking and allow them to actually 'recover from alcoholism'. While being physically abstinent from alcohol is certainly better than drinking, it's extremely difficult and unnecessarily risky to try to maintain that abstinence and achieve long term sobriety simply by will power and 'white-knuckle' abstinence. Are you folks making use of anything other than willpower and physical abstinence to address the conditions and characteristics of alcoholism? Is there some reason you have decided not to take advantage of the support found in places like AA?
We do belong to a mutual support group and we also communicate very regularly with each other through, phone, instant messaging, email, and online support. I guess I could ask the same of you...how would you ever know if someone has had a few drinks? Honesty. And when it does happen we share the experience if it arises, hence why I was interested in your perspective on relapse. An example of that almost happening was one of our members was very stressed this week and was heading to the store to buy alcohol. She drove to the store, didn't go in, drove to another, and managed to work through the challenge, first by working through what was happening in her head and then reaching out. This didn't happen overnight and she's had her moments in the past year when she did. The goal isn't to maintain sobriety through willpower alone and 'white knuckle' abstinence. There are a lot of drivers that lead to the alcohol abuse problem and they need to addressed and resolved. We make use of our online support, personal support, mindfulness, nutrition, health and exercise, spirituality, etc and some seek professional therapy. As to using local AA support groups as a resource....virtually everyone has attended meetings at some point in time, just not now. We explore all methods of recovery. As you've no doubt seen, recovery groups can be a revolving door of sorts. People come into them, explore what works, and not everyone stays around. Sometimes a few visits is all some need. Others need much more and dedicate themselves to the process of resolving the challenge.
Ah, very good! I had gotten the impression that you guys were maybe attempting to stay sober without the benefit of some type of 'program of recovery', just by being together and not drinking, and that maybe you were not aware of the types of help that might be available, or maybe you were in some isolated geographic location without access to these resources, etc.. If that had been the case I would have done what I could to help you find some resources that could maybe make it easier to stay sober, but it sounds like you guys are aware of what's available and are free to make use of it if you want to. Good to hear from you again.
