The Serenity Prayer is what often comes to mind to help me keep things in perspective. Tonight, as I'm pulling an all-nighter with Mom's sleep apnea home test kit, I've got plenty of time to think about life, life's issues and sobriety. (She's sleeping, I'm not)
God, grant me the serenity...Peace! (True inner peace!)
To accept the things I cannot change...
(There are several, but there are some I can have a positive influence on)
The courage to change the things I can...
(I'll go to whatever lengths that are necessary to keep mom as well as I can...meals, meds, hygiene, fresh laundry, spotless home, keep her laughing, run her errands-with a smile!)
And the wisdom to know the difference... Which may be the most profound line in the prayer, keyword-"Wisdom", which got me thinking...
I want to be the best caretaker I can, and she says she's ready to "check out" and I shouldn't put so much effort into helping her get better, she reminds me, "after all, I'm 80 and won't last forever". I'm not a bossy nurse-type person, I'm just an average loving daughter. Helping her helps me. Instead of focusing on things that bug me (war disability, nightmares, pain 24/7, screwed up church vs. family situation, hillbilly ghetto life, etc... now add divorce is imminent)...I can focus on Mom and her needs and actually do some good. (I can focus on my own junk later). If someone had told me a year ago I'd be in this situation, I would've said I couldn't handle it. I'm holding up ok and still sober!
The wisdom to know the difference... I have to ask myself if there is anything I can do. I was raised to believe I can do something about every situation, but that isn't always true. For those things I cannot change, I have to learn acceptance...and after accepting things, to have peace about it. I'm relying on my Higher Power a lot these days to guide me in making good decisions. Just because I'd handle a problem with moms health in a certain way doesn't mean that's how she would want it handled...such as quitting her meds. I was genuinely sad, but...it's her body, her feelings, her life and her choice. My HP heard a lot of my prayers about that and when mom started getting worse, she decided to go back on her meds and improved...followed by lots of prayers of thanks. She even agreed to let herself be wired up like the Bionic Geriatric Woman (and I think I got all the wires in the right places) to tell how severe they think it is that she stops breathing 30+ times a night. My chance to care for her is temporary, we've even been blessed with an extra 4 months together, I want to look back and have no regrets.
This is one of many reasons the Serenity Prayer is carrying me through the rough times and I'm thankful for it. I'm also thankful to be sober today because if I wasn't, I would have messed up everything by now!
(((((Jerricka))))) I love this share as it is recovery as I understand it today. I heard a talk by Father Bernie in Fresno Ca years ago which was titled "The symptoms of sobriety" which many of us attended so we would be able to tell when it was present and he wound up the talk with a simple piece of evidence. "Sobriety is the return of the person you lost in the first place". I heard that here in your share and it moves me because I understand it this way myself. "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problem"... "God grant me the serenity to accept..." Mahalo sister and prayers for your mom's courage.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. After some sleep, I'm not a ranting zombie tonight. I often hear bits and pieces of sharing that talks directly to my heart and when I ramble, I try to make sure it won't feel like a wasted mouse click to the reader and something good will come of it. Each person being at a different stage in recovery could hear the same message in all the ways people are unique, and each reader can find something useful in it for them. I've read many of the sobriety stories here and most of them have a message from their hearts to mine. When I do these all-nighters, I let thoughts flow that I'm usually too busy to deal with. I'll share it if I think it might be worth sharing. Sometimes I'm just thinking out loud and if I'm too far off track, I trust someone will offer another way of thinking. New suggestions are always welcome! If I can help one person today, it was a good day...it doesn't necessarily have to be on the topic of alcoholism, but any real help I can give is a reminder to me that life is much better sober
You have echoed many of the same feel'ns I had when I came back to live the program ... I only survived the first two years by very frequently using the 'serenity prayer' ... AND, I have dissected it, analyzed it, and come to know it is one perfect prayer for me to have in my AA tool kit ... oh, and I still rely on this prayer today to keep my head on straight ... (I think driving in heavy traffic is where I use it most often now, LOL) ...
And as Jerry alluded to, 'acceptance' was one big pill for me to swallow, but it was key for my peace and serenity ... (see, I was a good one for making mountains out of mole hills, LOL) ... I found out all my problems were 'no big deal', LOL ... sometimes you just have to think, it is what it is ... and do the best with what you have ...
R.E. your mom's 'sleep apnea' ... 3 years ago I was diagnosed with a severe case, and it was causing heart problems and back pain ... my test indicated that I had stopped breathing 81 times an hour AND, ironically, stopped breathing for up to 81 seconds ... of course they put me on a CPAP machine, problem solved ... what amazed me was no more back pain ... (that machine was difficult to get used to, you know, having to wear a face-mask all night ... and it doesn't help for 'pillow talk' with your spouse, LOL ... after a couple weeks, I got used to it and I started getting the best 'rest' I'd ever had ... I couldn't do without it now ... Oh, I loved your term for your mom ... Bionic Geriatric Woman ... that was LOL funny ...
Oh, you are far from 'rambling' in my book ... so there's no need for concern there ... you go girl ... love your posts ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
