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Post Info TOPIC: 2 day emotional bender.


MIP Old Timer

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2 day emotional bender.
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Ok. First off I haven't taken a drink. If I don't lift the first drink I just cannot get drunk so I stay away from one drink, for oneself, for one day. I spoke to my stand by sponsor....my sponsor wasn't available, but I keep a truth telling friend up my sleeve for just such a need. So what happened is this.... 5 years ago yesterday I got a message from a woman I worked with. This lead to a highs and lows incredibly passionate relationship that was up and down on and off for nearly 4 years. I loved her to bits. But January last year, we had 'the talk'....I couldn't or more rather wouldn't give her what she wanted (a child) and she couldn't give me what I wanted, (commitment) so we parted as friends. Well I genuinely thought after a year that I was ' over it'. Obviously not. so when she told me she was seeing someone I had a twinge of jealousy but thought well, ok. then on Friday she tells me she's pregnant. And she's so happy, so excited. and I said yep, that's great, I'm happy for you. And I am. I really am. This is where the ambivalence is. I'm really happy she gets what she wants.....and I was devastated at the same time because really, now I know for sure that I'll never get to hold her in my arms again. That's the truth of it. Yes. It's all about me. so two days and two nights of feeling sorry for myself. My stand in sponsor helped. Meetings helped. Writing it out helped. Working helped. Leaning on just two trusted friends in the fellowship helped. but here's the stark realization just arrived. I still love her, even though she's not good for me and even though it's forlorn .( I just have to love her in a different way) and I can't blame this on drink. This is me. Vulnerable. Mistake making. The defects of character bubble just below the surface. how am I now? Well I try to accept that this is how it is. It's hard and it hurts. I try to be indifferent. I'll talk to my god's and ask that she be blessed with a safe pregnancy and a healthy child, ask that the baby father treats her well and ask that she lives a happy life. And ask that I be given the strength to deal with me and my feelings. It's all I can do.

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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got.
BB

When all else fails - RTFM



MIP Old Timer

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Love is a hurtin' thing.



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First, deal with the things that might kill you.

 



MIP Old Timer

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Love 'can' involve pain ... ... ... I like your positive outlook BB ... sometimes we must 'let go' the things we love the most ... and what comes in return may be blessings we could never have imagined ...

Your post seemed a good example of why I say the 'Serenity Prayer' when certain troubles come to visit me .... because I have learned in AA that there are just some things I must accept that I cannot change ... and this has also taught me that I don't always know what's best for my own good sometimes ...


Hang in there Brother, Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy



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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'



Senior Member

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Sorry to hear about that, BB. I hope you're finding some self-love and affirmation in the realization that you are so much stronger and handling this so much better than you would have in your drinking days. This situation is a major doozy, for sure man, but it sounds like you are responding in positive ways for your own well-being. And not many people in the world would choose that route. Hang in there and good luck moving forward.

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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton



MIP Old Timer

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Hello Bill, blessings of this day.

WE are told that one of our biggest stumbling blocks to our recoveries is placing unrealistic  expectations on ourselves or others.Relationships can be TERRIBLY PAINFUL AREAS..MOST IMPORTANTLY, the recovery tools and support you have obviously instilled in your daily life helps guide you in these trying times. I personally have been divorced twice but can relate it to my addiction.You made choices and now the results come to forefront. I often thought that if I had only worked harder or communicated better or wasn't always in a drug induced haze I may have salvaged what I had..I know that it wasn't the way it was supposed to be..I am right where the God of my understanding has me. Finding the peace in your heart does come from that"seeking to improve our conscious contact with the God of our understanding" based on my own evidence Praying for the best for others helps to relieve the pain you are feeling..(I truly believe that) With a strong 3rd step applied in all areas of our lives,,WE do learn to find peace.Sharing the pain helps the pain to be lessened.When we are able to "see ourselves coming" knowing through our daily work,our shortcomings ,character defects and have learned to accept the pain and then work toward the solution WE strengthen our resolve and "that peace that surpasses all understanding" comes through..When I was marathoning I remember approaching the WALL and learned to physically accept the pain,embrace it and work through it,,it took much practice.I find this also in our spiritual and emotional WALLS that as humans WE all hit...WE do remember "with God ,all things are possible...Thanks for the help today,it reenforces my resolve to continue the daily work,always guided by the God of my understanding and always seeking the Solution...I will lift you up in prayer,Your application of the Programin the areas of your life is evident in your thoughts and actions, I wish you peace and serenity....smilesmile



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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.


MIP Old Timer

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Thanks for the memory Bill...honestly...because it got me to inventory my journey when I was there doing that myself...kinda sorta.  My sponsor working with me on my addictive personality let me know that he saw I was "in love with being in love" and then turned me loose with that thought to do more introspection and inventory with all my relationships and I had to agree after the work that I was ..."In love with being in love" and after that I listened to another member describe how she loved her alcoholic husband who was a raging alky and I found out based upon her story that I didn't know anything about love at all.   I followed her after group out to her car begging her definition of love because it didn't sound like love (my altered understanding) to me at all and she replied, "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are" and I realize she did not mean only her husband and also included me.  I learned how to love that night or at least learned a better definition of love that fits real well with me today and I am learning how to actually act it out better with every day I have in recovery.   Acceptance...there's that word again.   Good to hear from you.   smile 



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Senior Member

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Bill, you are a better man for every person you have loved. I am sorry for your heartache. I don't believe the relationship was a mistake. I do believe in the saying "tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

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MIP Old Timer

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Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. Jerry f I get that definition Peecee....no I don't regret the relationship...It served me well and I did some growing and so did she. No regrets

__________________

It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got.
BB

When all else fails - RTFM

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