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Starting fresh
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I had a year sober last year and then had a glass of wine at a family gathering.  I despise wine, so the resulting headache made me realize that I can;t drink wine.  But, because "I" had been so good for over a year, I decided I could have a beer or 2 occasionally and "I" could stay in control. 

Wrong.  The disease progressing again.  I am hitting the liquor store again a little more regularly and I don't like this.  I won't be able to get to a f2f meeting until Thursday night, so I thought I ought to log in here and share.   

Life has gotten busy for us again.  My wife and I are back in college and our 2nd son is back in college as well.  I tried to trick my brain into thinking I could unwind with a drink or 2 at the end of a week but that is just the alcoholic brain talking - "go on, 1 or 2 won't hurt."  Well, 1 hurts me, because I want to have more and have over the past few months. 

I'd appreciate any prayers, positive thoughts, or advice you care to throw my way.

 

 



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MIP Old Timer

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Welcome back Troy. Thanks for sharing honestly about your situation.

You can always come back to sobriety. Alcoholism is such an insidious disease. Even after we achieve a state of sobriety, we can still slide back into the old rationalizing.

Glad you are back. First thing is to stop drinking. Then get to a meeting ASAP and share with the people there. Go to an online meeting if you have to. http://www.aaonline.net has meetings 4 times a day.

Don't drink today and good luck.

 



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Welcome back Troy!  Thank you for sharing and reminding me that it doesn't get any better out there and that the diesase of the mind never goes away.  I had many experiences like the one you describe early on.  It never got better, only worse.  I realize today that I needed all those experiences to fully surrender to this diesase and remove the reservation that I some day would drink like a normal person.   Once I surrendered, not drinking got easier.  Then I could move on through the Steps because I had completed the first one. 

Don't beat yourself up, use it as experience and get back into The Program.    



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Thanks @Tanin and @Mike B. I appreciate your encouragement. I suppose because my first dry year was actually so easy, I assumed that I had knocked this out. Surrender is right. Time to get back to the steps and make certain I keep the priorities right.

I did find a meeting tonight which will be after my college class tonight. It will make for a long day, but, a long sober day is much better than a pass out drunk day.

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Hello Troy WELCOME TO MIP!

WE realize our 1st STEP IS THE ONE WE DO 100%..the"suggestions" are the same as you have heard in Program,,,WE always find those who value sponsorship get the most from the program..Our Solution,the application of the STEPS,worked with a sponsor and applied in all areas of our lives keeps us free from active addiction,one day at a time.Thanks for sharing today,it is how we help each other.Im glad you made it back,,many of my posse didn't..I will lift you up in support and prayer...DO the work and JUST FOR TODAY,,,don't pick up and you wont get high...WE are here for each other sharing in a loving and caring manner...You can do this,,WE can do it together,,,,Be blessed...........:)



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Glad you're back Troy ...

I learned that my sobriety was THE most important thing in my life ... without it, Noth'n, absolutely Noth'n matters ... when I drank, I turned into something 'sub-human' ... a useless glob of flesh as it were ...

We're here to help, so to start with, you DO have my prayers for recovery ...


Take Care and God Bless,
Pappy



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Thanks Mike. I didn't get through the steps on my previous sojourn into sobriety. Decided that doing OK was good enough turned out to not be good enough.

Pappy, I'm with you. If I'm not sober, there is no way I can be a good husband, father, teacher, etc.


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MIP Old Timer

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Hey Troy One important thing...................WE apply the STEPS,daily forever,,getting through just means back to beginning with daily application..Our 3rd/11th STEPS are my daily meditaions before I even get out of bed  and  graced with another day of life.....Keep positive re enforcement around you and based on your own evidence...there can be no "first" one for us.....Peace and grace man......smile



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Welcome back

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Thanks for everything.  Peace and Love on your journey.  



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Real quick update. Tonight's meeting was just what I needed to hear for encouragement just for today.

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Am glad you made it to a meeting, Troy. What's next?



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I'm going to get my notebook from my previous sojourn with sobriety and limber up a pen, open the Big Book and get going with step work.

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Welcome back Troy! It is good you are stepping off the relapse elevator before it hits the ground floor (meaning flunking out of college, losing wife...etc). Having a sponsor helped me a lot and it kept me accountable and guide me through the steps. You sound highly intelligent and that is sometimes not our friend in sobriety because it seems the disease pals up with our intellect and thinks us right back into drinking.

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Hey Troy, ...

If you're anything like I was, and put 1/2 the effort into working the steps as I did trying to find my 'next' drink, you'll be amazed at your progress in no time ...

Great job of getting to a meeting ... try to make 90 meetings in 90 days ... you won't regret it ...



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Hello Troy , I am right there with you. I haven't picked up a drink yet but the thought that I could try it one more time has occurred in last few weeks. I also started playing with my food again and fear has set in and playing with my head too. Thanks for being honest as it helps me be honest too. Thank for all the shares as well. I really appreciate it.

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Welcome to MIP Maya, ... glad you found us ...

Are you a member of AA or just think'n 'bout it ??? ... ... ... We're here to help each other regardless ... welcome to the family ...


Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy



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Maya07 wrote:

Hello Troy , I am right there with you. I haven't picked up a drink yet but the thought that I could try it one more time has occurred in last few weeks. I also started playing with my food again and fear has set in and playing with my head too. Thanks for being honest as it helps me be honest too. Thank for all the shares as well. I really appreciate it.


 Maya, let us know what we can do for you.  Alcoholism is an insidious disease that will mess with our minds at any turn. 

 

 



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MIP Old Timer

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Welcome to the board Troy, and back into the rooms. You know that you've got a lot going for you, and subsequently, a lot to lose.
Most alcoholics have to lose a lot to acquire the gifts of willingness and desperation, in order to motivate them to work the program and maintain
their sobriety. Folks that are fortunate to still have gifts like families, homes, jobs, colleges to go to.... will have to work extra hard to keep denial from telling them "I'm  ok, I've got this that and that going for me, I must not be an alcoholic", or "I am doing all of this good stuff I deserve a couple drinks". Pray for willingness and get-r-done. Desperation is no fun.



-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 23rd of October 2014 05:37:23 PM

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I didn't understand how important the concept of being sober for "today" was for me. My first attempt at sobriety was actually pretty easy when I turned it over to God and He took it away from me. But, as I slipped back out and away from sobriety this fall, it became easier to forget that my HP did what I couldn't.

Coming back in, I realize that I am dependent upon my HP every day, not just for sobriety, but for other things as well. He reminds me that the only day I can actually do anything with is the day I am in in right now - today. Not yesterday or tomorrow, but today. He gives me today and today I am glad to be sober. The 24 hour chip is a good reminder in my pocket.

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Hi Troy, ... Yes, to come to that realization was huge for me too ... TODAY !!! ... that's it, that's all I have ... there is no promise of a 'tomorrow', I only have 'today' ... I had to 're-learn' this concept when I got word of my medical condition ... so I don't want to piss away today, no pun intended, cause it may just be my last day on earth ...



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Life conspires to make us busy sometimes. Between family, work and grad school, I've barely had time to turn my head this week. I'm able to shake away this morning for my first F2F meeting in almost a week. I am so looking forward to seeing my new friends again. Its funny, all week long I was worrying if I could ever make a meeting but once I decided I would head over on Saturday morning, I quit worrying and started looking forward to it. My HP has been really good to me this week and has fulfilled several promises in my sight, so I am just feeling pretty encouraged.


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Troy wrote:

Life conspires to make us busy sometimes. Between family, work and grad school, I've barely had time to turn my head this week. I'm able to shake away this morning for my first F2F meeting in almost a week. I am so looking forward to seeing my new friends again. Its funny, all week long I was worrying if I could ever make a meeting but once I decided I would head over on Saturday morning, I quit worrying and started looking forward to it. My HP has been really good to me this week and has fulfilled several promises in my sight, so I am just feeling pretty encouraged.


 Sometimes, that's the way it seems ... and I think my mind is out to get me ... I knew what I NEEDED to do, but nearly always found a reason(excuse) to get busy on something else ... (I could easily make a mountain out of a mole hill) ...

THEN, I learned that sobriety MUST become my FIRST priority ... without sobriety, I was incapable of making any good decisions, period ... without sobriety, alcohol made my decisions for me ... alcohol is cunning, it'd beat me to a pulp and then I'd ask for more ... it made the illogical seem logical ... if I were to live, I had to admit alcohol controlled my life and that I wanted my life back ... 

They recommend 90 meetings in 90 days to begin with, ... I was so sick, I went to nearly 700 meetings in 700 days ... the AA program became the very 'air' I needed to breathe ... you may not be THAT sick ... this is just what it took for me to recover ... it had to become my TOP PRIORITY, even over family, else I'd have been dead to them anyway ...

 

God Bless,

Pappy



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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'



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It's amazing how effective booze can be at enabling our wishful thinking that we can drink normally. Every relapse I've had started with just one or two, lead to a couple more, and then a following morning in which I swore it was just a slip. Then, a couple days later, I'd think "If I could handle a few before, maybe I can handle a few again." I'd drink "normally" for a week, and then the shit storm would commence and I'd be back in the same horror show I had originally fled. I feel like there's a stereotype that an alcoholic relapse is one in which someone in recovery goes on a bender. My experience has been that the transition is much subtler, so good for you to recognize it for what it is and start going to meetings. Good luck and don't believe the booze.

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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton



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Relapse is relapse ... I have experienced exactly what Adam described AND I have also experienced blunt, careless, get drunk again right now, right this minute type scenario ... King Alcohol can either sneak up on you by convincing you that you can hold your drinking to just 2 or 3, OR he can make you feel you're going to die of thirst if you don't down a bottle in short order ... THAT'S why this S.O.B. is so 'cunning, baffling, and powerful' ... He makes us LOSE the very CONTROL, we drink to have ... I drank to become 'bullet-proof' nearly every freak'n time ... and instead of becoming 'bullet-proof', I became the target ... with a giant red 'n white circle on it ... and afterward, I would feel as though I'd been hit by a thousand bullets ... (and died a thousand times) ...



-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Saturday 1st of November 2014 10:30:11 AM

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Troy
Do you have a sponsor? So important to have someone help you work the steps.

I know that without mine I would not be where I am today, getting better one day at a time.

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GOT HP

RULE 62



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Thanks for asking Kyle. No, I don't have a sponsor. After this morning's meeting, I am a little discouraged about that site and that group. I believe I am the only one not court ordered to be there and who has not had multiple DUI or spent any time in jail so I actually do find some of what they say impossible to relate to. I'm not giving up, there are other times and places for meetings here in my area.

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Those folks are no different than you. I never got a DUI either, but I should have.

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MIP Old Timer

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Listen to the message and don't compare yourself to people. If you convince yourself you are too high functioning to belong, eventually you will drink til you have all the consequences the do. Early in this post, I praised you for not riding the relapse elevator all the way down...A meeting is a meeting.

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You are absolutely right.


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I did want to say....Some meetings are better than others though Troy so I get what you are saying. Most important thing is do not talk yourself out of all meetings. It is fine to shop around for ones that feel like a better fit as long as you don't talk yourself out of recovery.

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Thanks for that input @pinkchip. My wife and I talked about that last night. Every meeting likely has its own personality. I've been to some that are very cliquish and closed minded and formulaic and some that are inviting, encouraging and helpful and everywhere in between. Yesterday morning was just a pretty negative gathering and didn't help me for where I was at, spiritually and emotionally. I told my wife that I absolutely needed the spiritual fellowship of a meeting and with something like 80 meetings a week held in our city, surely I can find one!

I am not stepping out of recovery. Its too important.

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For sure, every AA group has their own unique flavor ... some have their own 'cliques' that are hard to blend in to ... that's why some groups 'break-off' and form new groups ... if one is blessed with options to attend different groups in their area, by all means, do so ... it simply makes things more comfortable to have people around you that you can easily relate to ... a few groups I went to meetings at in one city had mostly doctors, lawyers, pilots, and stewardesses, aircraft mechanics, etc. ... and if you're from a different background, it can be difficult to be comfortable ...

These were great groups, don't get me wrong, but they talked 'golf', stock market trends, political issues, etc. after the meetings ... which left me totally in the dark at times ... cause I didn't give a **** about that stuff ... but I also found out later, that they jumped at the chance to talk the AA program when someone was having questions or issues of their own ...

My only suggestion here would be to spend some time at different groups until you find one that stands out to you, then make it your 'Home Group' so you can get involved in some service work ... this will do wonders for your success and enjoyment in AA ... ... ...



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MIP Old Timer

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as pinkchip said Troy 'we may nit "I D" with any or everybody .

I waited 2yrs to hear the 1st line of my drinking story . I waited another 10yrs ,

to hear the 2nd line . Why did I stay . My "Y - E - Ts" were starting to happen . AS you said ,

"I was good for a year" . Troy This Is NOT about 'good or bad' this Is about Your Life & the

Quality of your life . As a bloke said at my 2nd AA meeting . "If you are an alcoholic & you

continue to drink . ALL the things that you hear in meetings , that happen to people when they

pick up That 1st drink WILL Happen to you. But if you give this a go , there is a chance , you will

get well". Troy, I took that chance over 28yrs ago . And yes my life did Get Better .

Mind , Body & Spiritually Troy , I'm just back from a 3 week holiday to the States . I stayed in

5 star hotels & while we travelled we stayed in 4 star motels . Why , because . I deserve The Best .



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Rick.

@ 37 I was too young & good looking to be an alkie.

still too young , still got th good looks. still n alkie.

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