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Post Info TOPIC: boyfriend taking girls num ber at aa meeting


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boyfriend taking girls num ber at aa meeting
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my boyfriend starting attending aa meetings three times a week he has had his one buddy friend for coffee after words etc, etc, now i just found a womans name and home and cell numbers on a piece of paper, she is also from aa meetings, is this normal? we have been together for four years, he says the number is for aa,, but he has a close guy friend already who is his sponsor etc, etc, 



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MIP Old Timer

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I will say not abnormal but has potential to be bad. If you have other reasons for not trusting...trust your own instincts.

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thanks for your response, just seems he has had his one buddy for three months and says they dont talk about their personal relationships in AA at all, he would never mention anything about me or our relationship. then when we saw this woman her first day, i saw her outside the meeting builidng he said she looked haggard, and to find the number on his fridge, of course he did not mention till i told him i found it,, then he just says it's for AA, how many friends do you need to make at aa and how many numbers do you need to get? why get close to the women there, when his best friend of 20 years, his sponsor is there for every meeting, my boyfriend has only been going for four months, so not like he would be her sponsor or anything, 

 



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MIP Old Timer

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Hi Wondering, and welcome to the site. Have you ever been to an Alanon meeting? Alanon is a separate program from AA. It is for the friends and family of the alcoholic. It can be a HUGE help for people in your situation who are in a relationship with someone who is new to AA and new to sobriety. There are people there who have been through everything you are going through and who can offer you their own experience and support to help you navigate this whole situation. I strongly encourage you to check it out. You will be glad you did. 



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Welcome to MIP 'wondering', ...

PC and Dave gave good responses ... I would just add, that AA highly recommends men sponsor men and women sponsor women ... on that note, it is not kosher to 'mess around' and actively pursue relationships if one is married or in a current relationship ... it is also highly recommended to not make any changes or pursue any new relationships for the first year in AA ...

I would have to question a person's motive for having numbers of the opposite sex in their pocket or on the frig when they have so little sober time ... it's no big deal for a guy to have several women's numbers if he has multiple years sober and the intent is honorable ... heck, I've developed close relationships locally and here on this board with the ladies, BUT, I've been married 41 years to my first and only wife (I'm not breaking in a new woman for nobody, LOL)(honestly, it's the other way around) ... I'm merely here to help the best way I know how ... no 'hanky panky' in mind at all ...

I hope your friend has honorable intentions ... it may be nothing to concern yourself with ...



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thank you you are correct, there is no time as this person is working full time and gone three nights per week aa, and busy working the rest of the time, i just saw another note from a woman in his 12 step book, with her phone number and to call anytime, but she said it was nice seeing a friendly face. and left her phone number as well, dont see any guys writing in his book.
he would drink only once every three months or so, i do not drink at all, probably why he is with me, and the times he did drink his phone would be off all night and he was in the bar all night, couldnt find him, hard trusting someone after behavior like that. he used to have alot of women friends apparently when we were ttogether, and he does tell me no one knows about his relationship or personal life at AA, but i find that hard to believe, i own a business in town and very well known, so i cant see this being a secret.. just funny when we first saw this lady he says yikes she look sold, but she doesnt, she looks the same age, just finding hard to trust anyone , and to find the number on the fridge, two phone numbers, her cell and home i guess, seemed rather weird, when she just started aa about a month ago.. not taking him long to make friends,,

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MIP Old Timer

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We need to have lots of friends in AA. We need to get lots of numbers. (Ok...well we don't "need" to, but it really helps). My sponsor actually had me go up to 3 people after every meeting and ask for numbers. Guys also are sometimes shy about asking for other guys' numbers because they feel like it's weird and they are much more used to asking women for their numbers or just receiving them. That is just a social practice that needs breaking in AA.

Some of what you are saying about him is adding up to possibly be truth. It could be that he isn't talking enough to men in AA and about his issues or whatever in meetings. Hence, the person that he is going to talk to is a desperate and broken female who pulls the info out of him rather than the more put together males in the program whom he might feel intimidated by. So...I would be more concerned about a codependent sick friendship than an affair....BUT - that being said, Alanon was mentioned and that would be good for you to attend. You can't control him and it robs you of serenity to worry about what he's doing or not doing. You will be fine regardless right?

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MIP Old Timer

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Very well said PC ...

Hi 'wondering', ... just wanted you to understand that 'you' are powerless to 'fix' this guy ... only he can seek the help needed to deal with this disease, if he truly has it ... and I highly suggest you going to Al-Anon meetings to give yourself a better understanding of what our two programs are all about ... it will only help you ...



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MIP Old Timer

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Seems to me that he was up to no good, why would he attach the woman's phone number to the fridge? We do tend to give each other phone numbers, especially in early sobriety, to form a support group, and get in the habit of calling someone if we have an urge to drink, so that maybe they could talk some sense into us and get us to go to a meeting. If you've been together in a monogamous relationship for four years, why the distrust now? And if he does act badly, it's not something you can control. Hope for the best and act accordingly. Hopefully the guy makes it to long term sobriety against large odds. Have a plan B. Good luck.

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