"If I am alright with me, I have no need to make you wrong".
At this point in my recovery - I sometimes learn the most from those who are capable of saying nothing at all. I see they are watching, listening - and exercising choices. The right to treat themselves the way an all loving HP would, and let HP be in charge "His will, not mine." They are always the same people. I am not one of them. For me - the fog is lifting - and more is always revealed. I am so grateful for what I've learned here so far. I see there is so much more.
AA offers me a little success - and I became as obsessed with it as I was with alcohol. I guess I swapped addictions for a while - but that was okay... it was at least a 'better' addiction. I empathize with those still in the throws of their obsessions - the ones that look virtuous and keep me feeling the safest - are especially hard to let go of. Probably almost harder than the alcohol - both playing God in my life equally though. I just wanted to feel safe - and I had no faith, or way of doing that on my own without my crutches. Eventually - with wobbly legs - I began to rely more upon a HP and less on all of my 'crutches' 'addictions' 'obsessions' to distract me from the fact that my faith was so weak - so wobbly yet. I still had a lot of fear. I had not let go absolutely and turned it ALL over - just the easy parts. IMO - that's okay. I don't have to do it perfectly or overnight. I had swapped out so many things that were still so debilitating to replace alcohol. Focusing on others, or handing my serenity to others - shopping - and a pretty amazingly time consuming internet addiction. But this for me - was about survival. And just like alcohol, those things helped me survive what I couldn't - or wouldn't - or wasn't ready to cope with. One by one, they were let go of... and of course - I'm not all better yet.
To me - the most important thing I can do is accept myself for where I am, and not critique is so harshly - stealing what serenity I am graced through offering myself to the principles of the program and a power greater than me.
Some who fear the issues I still carry - usually only have that fear because they care. They want to see me have a good life. Today - I can see beyond delivery, and just look at the love underneath. Not everyone says it right - or just how I want them to - or as nice as I want them to all the time, but I have been offered the clarity to see beyond it, and take the truth out while leaving the rest for God to handle.
The truth is - for every argument I get in - there is a person who is still fighting to help me - it might just look like fighting, but it's always because deep down they care. I have been to the other side of this - the rock hard heart that no longer cares, is numb - wishes to stay numb and can no longer really feel. The state I was in when I was at the jumping off place - ready to just end it - ready to give up with no fight or desire to even speak left.
I had a sudden spiritual awakening - but that burst was followed by a very slow sunrise. The sun is high now... in my world - but the day is still young, and life is very new. As I outgrow some of my secondary obsessions and problems, and learn to let them go - I find the same hope I did the day I made the decision to never give up again. It was through the kindness, and love from the recovering people I met around the world (thanks MIP) that found it in their heart to speak to me kindly though they could see my issues glaring and staring them in the face... that I found hope that one day - I could be so true to the real me and the higher power in my life. Each and every time I find the courage to change the things I can, it is a direct result of an example of love, tolerance and acceptance for who and where I am. From those who had no need to make me wrong - from those who were that okay within themselves... I found hope that one day - I too, could live a life that reflected the serenity that inspired me to be the best I can be.
Just for today - I will continue to strive for that - join hands with those who are also striving for that - love and accept all where they are on the journey HP has them on - and live the life that I never dreamed possible.
Thanks all - much love and gratitude. xoxoxoxooo
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 2nd of September 2014 05:19:04 PM
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks Tasha! I appreciate the message. I always want to grow. I want to stay sober, but be happy and enjoy the freedom that brings me as well. Avoiding arguments and or ducking out when situations start robbing my serenity is a practice I am getting better at but still working on. Negativity sucks. I go there fast and I don't want to be that negative, argumentative, close minded, judging person any more. People with differing opinions and ideas than me exist for a reason. Their views are valid most of the time too. I just choose not to think that way in those cases. No biggie...not worth flipping my sh*t over.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Today - I wrote sort of a poem off the top of my head. It literally fell out effortlessly. This is a wonder to me, and a power greater than myself that lives inside, and is always there. I wonder what it would have sounded like if I did not have the freedom from bondage of self? Thank you God, for another sober day.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
The prime reason we communicate with each other is to share and learn. There is always going to be a difference in the way we perceive ideas, events, things and it is our challenge to understand the other persons view point (why, how). Our view points are shaped by our previous experiences. To learn why, how someone else thinks/feels about an idea, event, thing, is the key to knowing them. When we communicate a different or contrasting perception of a shared topic, we must not invalidate or insult the other person or go after them personally. To do so will close them off from hearing anything that you would say and at that point the conversation is over before it really started. If I can see that another person's view point is so different than mine, and they are passionate about it, then I'll likely not share mine. Better for them to just hear their own share and analyze it for accuracy.
"Yield on matters of little interest to you" ~ Dale Carneige. His book, "How to win friends and influence people" was published 3 years before the Big Book. Interesting that Dale was also living and working in NYC at the same time Bill W. was and they were both working on a very influential book. There are more a few shared ideas between the books, so many I wonder if the two knew each other. Dale was teaching adult education and focusing on improving sales techniques using social experiments involving his students in real life situations. Each week he would come up with an idea and send his students to test it out and report back. That resulted in the book. I was required to read the book, along with his other book "How to stop worrying and start living" while taking the Dale Carneige class "Sales Excellence". I highly recommend both books.
