I am doing nothing almost all day, so I got bored. And this is symptom of my alcoholism. Every symptom restless, irritable, discontented, bored, depressed, nervous, paranoid must be viewed. Every symptom shows me that in me there is big problem, and I should take care of it. I am doing it by taking inventory. It helps me to see what in me is working on wrong way.

   I am really grateful to my first sponsor, because she wanted from me to write all the things that are happening through the day. I am grateful to one other alcoholic, because he taught me to love making inventories and sometimes to have fun with it. He taught me that they are not scary, but with them I can find what is blocking me from God and from other people in my life. Also he showed me how to make them with the Big Book. I had and still have amazing people in my life who are in fit spiritual condition and are helping a lot.

   I have resentment. Its old, but gold. Many times I remembered it, but never took inventory, because of laziness (fear of what I will find and understood).

   So making inventory is fact-finding and fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. So I will find truth about some things and I will face it. After that I will get rid of some things promptly and without regret. I have to took stock honestly. This is deal with God I will took stock honestly, and He will help me to get rid of them, because as we know from Third Step selfishness-self-centeredness are the root of my troubles. And often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His help. I will need Him.

   I have to find manifestation of self, because this is what defeated me. And I have resentment, which destroys me more than anything else. It is really scary, because from It stem all forms of spiritual disease. I am spiritual sick.

   I am resentful at the Lady X.  (listing people, institutions and principles with whom I am angry)

   I am asking why I am angry. I am angry at Lady X, because she told me that Im playing Lolitas role with men. She told me that Im vain. (I understand it like she insulted me, like she is telling me that I am bad person. I dont know if she told me that I am bad person, but my mind is telling me this and started to repeat it replay it refeel it over and over again).

   So which part of myself is hurt? Bill is using four different words about same thing hurt, threatened, interfered and affected.  I like to use this time hurt, because I feel hurted. She hurted me with these words.

   My self-esteem is hurt. She is talking about me, about her opinion for me, for my behaviour. So my self-esteem depends on this what others thing of me. It is not about is it true or not. The thing is that someone is telling something bad for me and I am hurted, because I want only good things for me to be said. (fear)

   My emotional security is hurt. I have working emotional security only if  people are thinking good things for me and if they like me, if they love me. (fear)

   The situation is connected with another human being, so my personal relationships are hurt, too. I can not communicate with her anymore like before, because in my head these words are repeating over and over again and she is at fault, so she has to make amends to me, right. She does the bad things, not I.

   My ambitions to be well accepted are hurt. My ambitions to be liked, to be important, to not be humilitated are hurt.

   After all this I can only see that the world isnt fair to me and people are not fair, too. They are wrong, because they dont treat me the right way. But it doesnt matter, because I have to continue. I made deal with God to took stock honestly and He will help me to get rid of the things that are blocking me from Him, because I need to live my life on spiritual basis, because if not I will drink again and I will die. I have to be free from the resentment.

   But with alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of  a spiritual, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

   Here I am convinced that I have to be free from resentment and anger, because it will kill me and I dont want this.

   What we are doing next? I am prepared to look at the list from an entirely different angle. I see that I am dominated by the world and its people. I am dominated by them and I will see why and what I can do to be a free girl (woman I am 21, I dont know if I am still girl). And It is written that the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. Which means that I had to put light on every single little resentment, no matter how stupid is it even in my eyes, because I have to watch for manifestations of self, which are putting me in position to be hurt.

   I am realizing that the person, who hurted me is spiritually sick like me. Well, she is in A.A. which is obvious, but what means exactly that she is spiritually sick? It means that she is driven by hundreds forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity like meq which doesnt matter now, because I am doing inventory of myself. I am praying to God to show her same tolerance (respect of her opinion),pity, and patience. How can I be helpful? God, save me from being angry. Thy will be done, not mine.

   I am putting out of my mind the wrongs other has done and I am looking only for my mistakes. I am disregarding the other person entirely. Where am I to blame?

   My mistakes is that I have big expectations for right treatment from others. Requirements for kindly behaviour, requirements to tell me only good things. So I am putting peoples opinion on first place, but not Gods opinion. In this condition I am dependent from people thats  why world and its people are dominating me. I think that I know what others are thinking for me and I am reading others mind all the time, thinking that others thinking about myself how bad person I am and they are hating me. Fear of rejection. But God loves me and He cares about me which is important. So I have to put God on first place.

   My mistake is that I want to make people talk for me only what I want to talk about me and the way I want to talk about me. Of course only good things. Fear of no control. I cant control people or their thoughts, but I want it. So I am powerless.

   My mistake is that I am thinking only for myself and not for others. I am only thinking how I look is the others eyes, but not how can I be helpful.

   My mistake is that I really play Lolitas role, which is not spiritual and can kill me. So I am afraid of listening the truth for me. I have fear from the truth about my defects of character. lust.

   My mistake is that I am blaming her and judging her about her behaviour. So I am thinking that I am better than her, and I am taking Gods role. I dont see her as a child of God, but I am becoming God and judging.

   I am selfish, because I always look for what I want others to be, what I want others to say, how I want others to treat me. I am selfish, because I dont respect others opinion for me. I am selfish, because I want all of the people to like me and to love me.

   I am dishonest, because in my mind the situation is getting bigger exaggerating. I am dishonest, because I dont want to face the truth about myself and others. I am dishonest, because I think I know what is happening in the mind of others and I want to control them. I am dishonest, because in my mind is how bad is this woman and how badly she is doing by saying me the truth.

   Self-seeking always looking for appreciation, always looking for recognition.

   And fears everywhere fears of no control, fears of rejection, fear from the truth, fear of not getting appreciation, fear of disclosure (of my hidden motives) hundred forms of fear

   But now I am on different basis the basis of trusting and relying upon God. I trust infinite God rather than my finite self.  I have to play the role He assigns. I must let Him to demonstrate, through me what He can do. God, remove my fears and direct my attention to what You would have me be.

   I am sharing with you and I am praying My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.