I have two baby girls and I can honestly say that I would jump in front of grizzly bear or leap on a grenade to protect them without even a nanosecond of hesitation. Yet I couldn't put down the bottle and be the father I wanted to be. I couldn't stop being a drunk for them. I would look into their eyes and swear to them in my thoughts that it was over and that I was finished drinking for good and I just couldn't keep my promise. That's when it finally sunk in how powerless I was over alcohol. That's when I finally realized that if I couldn't accept the simple program of recovery that AA had to offer then I didn't deserve the love and joy that my family gave to me.
I've done so many things I'm not proud of but getting sober and becoming the kind of dad my girls deserve is the one thing I can always hang onto when the guilt, resentments and self-pity rear their ugly heads. I've spent the last 20 years in and out of AA. I refused to listen. Refused to follow the program, acted like a stubborn jerk...and guess what happened? Nothing. Two decades I spent on the rollercoaster of guilt, remorse and shame. What a waste.
Things are very different these days. Everything that was promised came to be and much more.
That's all I wanted to say. I wasn't able to make it to a meeting today and I felt like sharing.Â