I relapsed, again........... My nephew found me in the bathroom Sunday and I just came to today and was released. I can't believe I've done this again. Part of me wishes I was dead. More of a part of me wants to get better. I missed an important interview yesterday. This makes 6 relapses in six attempts. What I would give to just have a week sober right now. Things are going to get ugly when my brother gets home from work and tells me what a piece of shit I am and how his son should never be subjected to this. Maybe that's what I think but I'm sure he will tell me something close. God help me. I am a lost soul.
Hi Soberdrunk im so sorry to hear what you r going through. hangf in there, this too shall pass. Can you get to a meeting? Dont give up just keep trying you DO have it in you. I like what someone posted recently about if we relapse it shows we are blessed because to relapse we have to have had some soberity right? cant relapse unless we sober first. You did get some soberity and you will get more. This is a shit disease just dont give up, the miracle will happen. Can you pray and ask for HP for help? I find that helps me. Know you are not alone we are all here. Some of the people whom i admire their soberity the most in the rooms relapsed a heck of a lot in the start and took a while for them to get some time up. I really hope you can get to a meeting. Do you have a sponsor? I need one, helps me a lot when the crap hits the fan and shes helped me so much. thinking of you
Whn I read this part" I can't believe I've done this again. Part of me wishes I was dead. More of a part of me wants to get better."
Justin, just attempting to a some level make anything feel better for you....we are ALL Drunks, Justin, some in Recovery, and some still struggling, I think you have read my Relapse History of over 7 long gut wrenching years. When I say that we are all "drunks" Justin, we only have today, every one of us, just a daily reprieve, does not get better than that..
Wish I lived in Chicago, so I could come over and just give you a long warm hug....Your are a cherished and Loved person, first by your HP, and all the others that know you.....have you been in touch with your Sponsor, hope so....
Let's take a look at what you said, 6 relapses in 6 attempts, well the way I see that, that is a GOOD thing, not a bad thing, you are here reaching out to us and to GOD for another chance at staying sober again, that is as good as it gets.....in other words you are not still out there, but right back where you belong, in AA, hopefully in the Rooms of AA, back with your Sponsor, and the most important, back with your GOD as you understand GOD.
You and all of us are really very decent human beings with a very very very horrible Disease......but I do feel for you, that " Incomprehensible Demoralization" is the birth of a New Day and a New Life in this Program for you dear....
My Prayer for you my dear frriend, is that at the very Center of that pain that you are feeling is Exactly where you will find GOD!.
I/We have seen you blossom in Recovery, before... and YOU CAN do this again, with GOD. May you find HIM now...
Hey Justin! The shame is not in the relapse,the shame is not making it back.You have all the tools,so their are choices here.You got to really want this and some where in your program you must have a reservation.Get to the exact nature of whats going on and surrender completely!I have a feeing you are not using your sponsor(if you have one,not making meetings and still thinking their are ways around this?i'll be praying for you man cause thats all I can do...REALLY WANT IT,AND GO TO WORK!You can only go to the well so many times,it may be only days,hours or minutes before you reach a threshold you won't cross back from,I buried my lifelong friend that just coulnd't get back...This ain't no joke,this disease don't play!If you are reading anything on here I would suggest getting on your knees and screaming out our 1st Step.Start again and really want it. let us know how its going.People are going to see the disease so remember when your in the grip your going to feel the judgement,don't let it deter you make it move you in the right direction,The fellowship,meetings,sponsor ,steps ,literature and service,humble yourself make the coffee,it feels good....didnt want to sound like your father man,but I sincerely care,I have a 24 year old son just in recovery from 7 years of hardcore abuse!We can do this together...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thanks everybody. It was like waking up from a nightmare. All these cords hooked up to me. I started yanking them all out and the nurse got pissed. The part that gets me is my nephew found me. He's 7 and I love him more than anything. I'm going to a meeting tonight. Just going through this worthless piece o' sh** syndrome really sucks. I called my parole officer and I'm going to try and get to a rehab. I'm not a big fan of rehabs but I realize I need help. Hey maybe I could find a girlfriend in the process? LOL.... Just kidding. Theres my dry humor for the day. Thanks friends
How far apart were the 6 attempts, just out of curiosity? Are the periods of recovery getting longer? Might just want to make a checklist of things you've heard in meetings that have helped people stay sober, and see which things you haven't tried yet.
Aloha Justin...that reminds me of trying to sail in high seas....burp!! There are suggestions which work for most...go to meetings (you are going) get a Big Book and a sponsor and read the big book with the sponsor and then ask your sponsor to help you create this mindset...I will call my sponsor or someone else in program before I take the next drink...before. That is generally how it works. Relapses are normal for this disease so the object is to become abnormal. Walk with the fellowship not alone.
What I would give to just have a week sober right now.
That is a Great question!! "what would you give to be sober?"
The answer is in the Big Book. Sober AA members can guide you but you must do it.
Larry, ---------------- You don't have a problem. You have a solution you don't like
Larry is spot on
work the steps, grab on like your life depends on it, because it does
You've tried 6 times your way, the easier softer way, the don't drink and go to a lot of meetings way, try it once our way now
We love you and we understand, your not a bad person, you are a sick person, your willpower WILL NOT WORK!!!!!!!!!!
I will say that again
Your will power will NOT WORK!!!!
It seems you might be one of those "real alcoholics" the book talks about who's only hope is a spiritual awakening, that has those strange mental blank spots and can't muster with sufficient force the memory of a week, month or even a day ago, you know the drill, now do it.
Do The F'ing steps!!!!!!!!!!
There is no try, there is only do, and I'm not talking about "don't drink and go to meetings" because you have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that doesn't work for you, 6 times you have tried that, how many more you think it's gonna take?
Relapse is NOT part of recovery, it's part of the illness, time to get into some -real- recovery work since you are evidently a -real- alcoholic
There is the door to freedom and happiness, it's called working the steps, it's up to you to take or not, and it takes more work then just going to meetings and shooting the shit with your buddies, real active recovery takes real active work, it's not a passive thing where sobriety oozes from the room into your brain, AA only gives you exactly back what you give it, it is a mathematical equation, and it only works if you work it
"It" is the actual program contained in the 12 steps
Time to put pen to paper and spill your guts to another human being and clean up some wreckage and start carrying the message to others, it won't kill you to do some work to earn this thing, but it might kill you not to.
FlyingSquirrel wrote:
How far apart were the 6 attempts, just out of curiosity? Are the periods of recovery getting longer? Might just want to make a checklist of things you've heard in meetings that have helped people stay sober, and see which things you haven't tried yet.
I can tell you in 2 words Squirrel
The Steps
Get off your ass Justin, we love you too much to watch you do this shit to yourself, you know the answer, you told me months ago.
I will repeat that, we love you
Now do the F'ing steps or you are going to die or be locked up or just wish you were dead, it's really that simple.
-- Edited by AGO on Wednesday 5th of May 2010 08:23:10 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
1 - 5 months 2 - 7 months 3 - 364 days 4 - 2 years 5 - 13 months
It's kind of like a raffle drawing to see how lony you want to stay sober. It's up to me and how bad do I want it? I can't believe how many A.A.ers knew what had happened. It's kind of like giving all the people you care about the one fingered salute.
I can't believe how many A.A.ers knew what had happened. It's kind of like giving all the people you care about the one fingered salute.
I was actually wondering what happened to you the last few days, maybe now you will be @#%%## up enough so I can kick your @$$ in chess
as far as giving all yer sober buddies the finger, the only one you are doing that to is yourself, we take the term go f#@$ yourself to new lows huh?
it's weird, I have never been surprised by anyone when they slipped, I know people who I knew would never slip, and they haven't in over 20 years and counting, occasionally I am surprised by some people when they stay sober though
When we were talking and I learned about your history, then you told me you had only done steps 1-3 I was wondering what was going to come first, the sober bottom and nervous breakdown and steps 4-12 or the slip
it's what we do, we are alcoholics, /shrug
there for the grace of God, it's your turn in the barrel, been my turn once or twice, now you are one more no closer to a yes
Attempts at gettings sober
1 - 5 months 2 - 7 months 3 - 364 days 4 - 2 years 5 - 13 months
Well you are a poster child showing alcoholism isn't a disease of addiction anyhow, if addiction was your only problem you would be cured 6 times already, thislooks suspiciously like an obsession of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body.
-- Edited by AGO on Wednesday 5th of May 2010 09:25:09 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
I was at step 8 and dragging my feet when this happened. My sponosor didn't fire me which I'm amazed at. This hit him like a lead brick. Oh "but I'm only hurting myself".............what a crock!
Justin, much love and many prayers coming your way. You know I have struggled as well. 2 years... bam. 2 years...bam. 2 years.......... bam again. I am sick of it.
Would you consider treatment? It surely could not hurt to let someone help you put together enough days to break whatever brain and body and spirit cycle you are on right now. I had to do a little outpatient group counseling this time to keep me accountable for long enough to get my AA habits back to where they should be.
Take care, or please let others take care of you before something terrible happens. You are cared about and valued!!
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hang in there, I never looked at relapses as failures, instead I saw it as a road of progress that someones on until they get their fill and decide to do whatever it takes to get it done. At age 50 I was bottomed out close to a year and couldn't get through a day w/o drinking before I was told what had happened to me and had a masters in incomprehensible demoralization with endless days of feeling that death would be a major step up but my heart knew it was wrong and to thine own self be true. I went to 2 meetings a day for over 2 yrs trying to get some spirituality to stick before I found out that it doesn't work that way. To keep it we must give it away and if giving it away we must constantly replenish it in ourselves. I got with a sponsor who started me immediately into the Step process so I could dump the life I'd had up to that point in time and start getting some quality time out of my own head, or out of self, and that made it easier since my conscience wasn't constantly dragging me back into self countless times a day. God bless you. A meeting a day keeps the blues away. There is no me except through thee God.
Me too ... ... ... even though this is a year or so before I started here, it's still interesting to read some of the older posts ... thanks there Pickle ... this reminds me of my own struggles when I decided I needed help ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yes, it is a struggle for most people. That's why the threads like this one are so useful. It's basically the story of Justin S., aka soberdrunk. Very similar to the stories in the Big Book. Except the ending here is unknown to us. But it's probably bad.
Justin had been struggling-- multiple relapses. After the posts in this thread, he posted about 4 times a week later. Then he seemed to abruptly leave us.
Even with the uncertainty, the story is instructive...
